The Cockney Alphabet

THE STARTING POINT:

The following "Cockney Alphabet" definitions were culled from 'The Second Book of Jigsaw Puzzles', as published by Knight Books and based upon the children's B.B.C. quiz program.

A for 'Orses .................. ('ay for 'orses)
B for Mutton .................. (Beef or Mutton)
C for Miles ................... (See for Miles)
D for Ential .................. (Differential)
E for Brick ................... ('eave a Brick)
F for Vescence ................ (Effervescence)
G for Get It .................. (Gee, forget it!)
H for Bless You ............... (Aitsshfa! A Sneeze)
I for The Engine .............. (Ivor the Engine)
J for Oranges ................. (Jaffa Oranges)
K for Restaurant .............. (Cafe or Restaurant)
L for Leather ................. ('ell for Leather)
M for Sis' .................... (Emphasis)
N for Lope .................... (Envelope)
O for The Wings Of A Dove ..... (O! for the Wings of a Dove!)
P for Relief .................. (?!?!)
Q for A Bus ................... (Queue for a Bus)
R for Mo' ..................... ('alf a Mo')
S for Rantzen ................. (Esther Rantzen)
T for Two ..................... (Tea for Two)
U for Me ...................... (You for Me)
V for La France ............... (Vive la France)
W for The Winnings ............ (Double you for the Winnings)
X for Breakfast ............... (Eggs for Breakfast)
Y for Husband ................. (Wife or Husband)
Z for Wind .................... (Zephyr Wind)

BEST ALTERNATIVES:

The following expressions are also recognised "Cockney Alphabet" definitions.
These could be regarded as superior definitions because:
(a) they are all recognisable words in their own right - unlike, say, 'Ential' - and,
(b) they are timeless and universally understandable - unlike, say, 'Rantzen'.

D for Dumb .................... (Deaf or Dumb)
F for Been Had ................ (Ever Been Had?)
G for Police .................. (Chief of Police)
H for Retirement .............. (Age for Retirement)
I for Lootin' ................. ('ighfalutin)
S for You ..................... ('s for you = it's for you)

OTHER HONOURABLE ALTERNATIVES:

I for The Girls ............... (Eye for The Girls)
N for A Penny ................. (In for a Penny)
O for The Garden Wall ......... (Over the Garden Wall)
T for Gums .................... (Teeth or Gums)
Z for Breezes ................. (Zephyr Breezes)

contributions from Mic Norbury:

C for Yerself ................. (See for Yourself)
D for Kate .................... (Defecate)
E for Vapour .................. (Ether Vapour)
Y for Unts .................... (Y-Fronts)

contributions from Dr Stephen Roser:

N for Hodger .................. (Enver Hoxha = ex-leader of Albania)
R for Bitter .................. ('alf a Bitter)

contributions from Peter Osborn:

H for It ...................... ('ate you for it)
K for A Cuppa ................. (Cafe - 'Kaff' - for a Cuppa)
N for Eggs .................... ('en for Eggs)
Y for Girlfriend .............. (Wife or Girlfriend)
Z for 'is 'at ................. ('is 'ead for 'is 'at)

contributions from Michael - ye olde (German dude):

D for Salmon .................. (Dee for Salmon)
I for An Eye .................. (Eye for an Eye)
L for Bet ..................... (Alphabet)
N for A Dig ................... (Infra Dig)
Z for A Doctor ................ (Zed for a doctor, I god a cold in me dose)

contribution from Julian Heath:

E for Or ...................... (Either or)

Phespirit notes:

equally valid for aspiring middle-class Cockneys .....

I for Or .................. (Either or)

contribution from Peter & Jacqueline Biddlecombe:

M for Cream Sherry ............ (Emva Cream Sherry)

A BIZARRE TWIST:

Possibly the most surreal or contrived Cockney Alphabet definition:

P for Ming Fleas .............. (Performing Fleas)