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Derek & Clive -
"Horse Racing"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

DEREK:
Good afternoon and welcome to, er, racing at Newmarket. They're about to go into the stalls, er, for the 3:30 so, over to you, Peter.
CLIVE:
Thank you, yes, the seven runners for this first Durex Handicap over six furlongs are just beginning to load up.

That's The Poof, n'very much on his toes and beautifully turned out, he really looked a picture in the paddock. And just coming into our picture is Vagina. Vagina is one of the two fillies in the race, she's, um, very good opening speed and the overnight rain will have helped her. She likes it a bit soft underfoot. That's The Wanker, going to the stalls. A steady performer, The Wanker, but, er, he tends to be a bit one-paced. Just going in is Buttocks. And, Buttocks, a big colt, blinkered for the first time. And there's our favourite The Prick. I think he would have preferred slightly firmer going, um, and just going is the outsider of the field, the seven year old Arsehole. Arsehole, by Shit out of Bumhole, erm, he's been tailed off on his last three outings, a rather disappointing horse this. And one of the last to go is Big Tits who's, um, carrying the top weight. A steady performer but, um, I think the ten pound penalty will be a little too much for her this afternoon. She's safely in.

Oh dear, The Prick! The Prick is rearing up! He tends to get excited, a very, very excitable horse, I remember he had to be withdrawn at Lingfield. Yes, they're going to put the hood on him. They're very good, the handlers here at Newmarket.

And now, a-, a late show of betting.
DEREK:
Mmm, thank you, Peter. The Prick has hardened a half a point to 11/8, Vagina is threes, The Poof and Buttocks both 9/2. There's been some late money for Big Tits who's come in to join The Wanker on 8/1 and Arsehole is 66/1.
CLIVE:
Er, as expected, Arsehole is the 66/1 complete outsider.
And they're, they're, they're, they'r-, they're all in.
They're under starter's orders and they're off!

Big Tits got a flyer and is the first to show.
Arsehole was slowly away.
And as they settle down it's Big Tits from Vagina with The Prick tucked in behind these two.
Then comes the blinkered Buttocks being pressed by The Poof.
Going steadily behind these five is The Wanker and trailing the field is Arsehole.
And as they start to climb the hill, it's Vagina who just shows clear of Buttocks.
The Prick is close up third, nothing between these three.
Big Tits is hanging slightly to the left, tucked in behind is The Poof.
Still trailing the field is Arsehole.
There is The Poof again making a challenge with Arsehole under pressure, but finding nothing.
And as they race to the line it's Vagina being pressed by The Prick, with The Poof making rapid progress, trying to squeeze in between Buttocks and the rail.
The Prick and Vagina, nothing between these two.
And The Wanker's coming with a late run! The Wanker is coming with a late run!
And Big Tits has dropped out of it all together!
And with a hundred yards to go, it's the Prick and Vagina, drawing clear.
The Prick and Vagina, stride for stride, length and line, it must be a photo.
I can't separate them but I think The Poof takes third from The Wanker, and still to finish is the tiring Arsehole.

Well, one hell of a race.
The Prick may just have got up in the last stride but I-, I wouldn't like to put my money on it.
And now it's back to topless darts at Roehampton.