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Derek & Clive -
"Records"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
I've always wanted to be in there becau- .....
DEREK:
Mmm-mm-mm.
CLIVE:
..... 'cause they've got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and .....
DEREK:
Shortest.
CLIVE:
..... highest and everything 'n' that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And I suddenly thought: 'Well, no, fuck it, I won't sneeze, I'll reserve it'. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an' that. And when I'd got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually 'cause I had so much of it, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... gradually building up.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I thought: 'I'll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records' record for the longest trail of snot in the world'.
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I .....
DEREK:
Is that all?
CLIVE:
..... I was watching, erm, '3-2-1' with Ted Rogers.
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: 'What am I doing?' And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so .....
DEREK:
You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that's what you were doing.
CLIVE:
I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb .....
DEREK:
Mm-hmmm.
CLIVE:
..... to my nose. And I thought: 'Oh fuck, I've gone and fucked it', 'cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: 'It's all gone hard and I won't be able string it out at all'. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... which had got clotted and hard. And .....
DEREK:
Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit .....
CLIVE:
It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.
DEREK:
..... bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.
CLIVE:
But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah-h-h.
CLIVE:
..... I was getting a good length going .....
DEREK:
Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I .....
CLIVE:
..... and I thought I'd, erm, .....
DEREK:
Tch, phhwww .....
CLIVE:
..... I'd try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.
DEREK:
That's about ten foot away, right?
CLIVE:
Ten yards away.
DEREK:
Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.
CLIVE:
But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, .....
DEREK:
Ohhh, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.
DEREK:
Well, bogies do that, they loop.
CLIVE:
Y-, they looped.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And my fear was they'd touch the floor .....
DEREK:
S-
CLIVE:
..... pick up dust and get disqualified.
DEREK:
Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, you can't afford .....
DEREK:
..... inexoribly.
CLIVE:
..... to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.
DEREK:
Well, no, fucking right, yeah.
CLIVE:
But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ......
DEREK:
Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, .....
CLIVE:
..... on the light socket.
DEREK:
..... t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, 'll .....
CLIVE:
..... is very much like a bogey.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... hanging it out, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... er, in my wake, so to speak.
DEREK:
Yeah, so of just very easily .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Well, you .....
CLIVE:
So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked 'cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly .....
DEREK:
Oh-h, blimey, you were .....
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, get in here .....
DEREK:
..... crafty!
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can't, I'm busy, you know, I'm .....
DEREK:
Fucking stupid cow.
CLIVE:
..... busy.
DEREK:
'cause she didn't realise .....
CLIVE:
An' I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I'M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I'VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated .....
DEREK:
Yeah, .....
CLIVE:
..... the chain bro- .....
DEREK:
..... she suddenly got interested.
CLIVE:
No, no, no, .....
DEREK:
No?
CLIVE:
..... the chain broke.
DEREK:
Oh, FUCK!!
CLIVE:
So, by the time she got in with the polaroid .....
DEREK:
What a cunt.
CLIVE:
..... all I had was a long line of .....
DEREK:
Oh, don't tell me, re-
CLIVE:
..... snot on the floor.
DEREK:
Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!
CLIVE:
Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-
DEREK:
OH, FUCKING SLAG!
CLIVE:
SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?
DEREK:
Ohh ..... go on.
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, f-
CLIVE:
..... you've tested me in the past," .....
DEREK:
Oh, fuck her.
CLIVE:
..... I said, "we've been married fourteen years .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... and you've tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ......
DEREK:
Phhwww!
CLIVE:
..... between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I'm going to do NOW? I'M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR 'TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the cunt wouldn't even get up!
DEREK:
What a CUNT!