Derek & Clive -
"Records"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:

You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?

DEREK:

Mmmm.

CLIVE:

I've always wanted to be in there becau- .....

DEREK:

Mmm-mm-mm.

CLIVE:

..... 'cause they've got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and .....

DEREK:

Shortest.

CLIVE:

..... highest and everything 'n' that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.

DEREK:

Mmm.

CLIVE:

And I suddenly thought: 'Well, no, fuck it, I won't sneeze, I'll reserve it'. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an' that. And when I'd got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually 'cause I had so much of it, you know, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, yeah.

CLIVE:

..... gradually building up.

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

I thought: 'I'll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records' record for the longest trail of snot in the world'.

DEREK:

(laughs)

CLIVE:

And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I .....

DEREK:

Is that all?

CLIVE:

..... I was watching, erm, '3-2-1' with Ted Rogers.

DEREK:

Mmmm.

CLIVE:

And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it .....

DEREK:

(laughs)

CLIVE:

..... and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: 'What am I doing?' And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so .....

DEREK:

You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that's what you were doing.

CLIVE:

I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb .....

DEREK:

Mm-hmmm.

CLIVE:

..... to my nose. And I thought: 'Oh fuck, I've gone and fucked it', 'cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: 'It's all gone hard and I won't be able string it out at all'. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... which had got clotted and hard. And .....

DEREK:

Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit .....

CLIVE:

It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.

DEREK:

..... bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.

CLIVE:

But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, .....

DEREK:

Yeah-h-h.

CLIVE:

..... I was getting a good length going .....

DEREK:

Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I .....

CLIVE:

..... and I thought I'd, erm, .....

DEREK:

Tch, phhwww .....

CLIVE:

..... I'd try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, .....

DEREK:

Mmm.

CLIVE:

..... we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.

DEREK:

That's about ten foot away, right?

CLIVE:

Ten yards away.

DEREK:

Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.

CLIVE:

But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, .....

DEREK:

Ohhh, yeah.

CLIVE:

..... like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.

DEREK:

Well, bogies do that, they loop.

CLIVE:

Y-, they looped.

DEREK:

Mmm.

CLIVE:

And my fear was they'd touch the floor .....

DEREK:

S-

CLIVE:

..... pick up dust and get disqualified.

DEREK:

Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, .....

CLIVE:

Yeah, you can't afford .....

DEREK:

..... inexoribly.

CLIVE:

..... to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.

DEREK:

Well, no, fucking right, yeah.

CLIVE:

But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ......

DEREK:

Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, .....

CLIVE:

..... on the light socket.

DEREK:

..... t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.

CLIVE:

Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, 'll .....

CLIVE:

..... is very much like a bogey.

DEREK:

Mmm.

CLIVE:

Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... hanging it out, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... er, in my wake, so to speak.

DEREK:

Yeah, so of just very easily .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

Well, you .....

CLIVE:

So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked 'cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly .....

DEREK:

Oh-h, blimey, you were .....

CLIVE:

I said, "Dolly, get in here .....

DEREK:

..... crafty!

CLIVE:

I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can't, I'm busy, you know, I'm .....

DEREK:

Fucking stupid cow.

CLIVE:

..... busy.

DEREK:

'cause she didn't realise .....

CLIVE:

An' I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I'M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I'VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated .....

DEREK:

Yeah, .....

CLIVE:

..... the chain bro- .....

DEREK:

..... she suddenly got interested.

CLIVE:

No, no, no, .....

DEREK:

No?

CLIVE:

..... the chain broke.

DEREK:

Oh, FUCK!!

CLIVE:

So, by the time she got in with the polaroid .....

DEREK:

What a cunt.

CLIVE:

..... all I had was a long line of .....

DEREK:

Oh, don't tell me, re-

CLIVE:

..... snot on the floor.

DEREK:

Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!

CLIVE:

Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-

DEREK:

OH, FUCKING SLAG!

CLIVE:

SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?

DEREK:

Ohh ..... go on.

CLIVE:

I said, "Dolly, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, f-

CLIVE:

..... you've tested me in the past," .....

DEREK:

Oh, fuck her.

CLIVE:

..... I said, "we've been married fourteen years .....

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

..... and you've tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ......

DEREK:

Phhwww!

CLIVE:

..... between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I'm going to do NOW? I'M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME .....

DEREK:

(laughs)

CLIVE:

..... AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR 'TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the cunt wouldn't even get up!

DEREK:

What a CUNT!