banner - Derek and Clive

Derek & Clive -
"Russia"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
I'll tell you one thing I can't stand .....
DEREK:
Tell me.
CLIVE:
..... about Russia, is the dead bodies in your hotel room.
DEREK:
Oh, blimey, yeah.
CLIVE:
'cause I booked into a second class hotel, you know, second class hotel, .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... two stars, and, er, I asked, er, room service, erm, tch, you know, for a light meal 'cause I was going sight-seeing the next morning.
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
And I said, "I'd like some chips and a-, you know, a steak medium-rare and a banana fritter", you know.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And, er, this bloke come up to the room and, frankly, it wasn't what I ordered. He brought up, er, three thousand dissidents .....
DEREK:
Oh, w-, blimey.
CLIVE:
..... with their testicles attached to electrodes.
DEREK:
Tss!
CLIVE:
And I said, "Call this fucking room service? 's not room service," I said, "I asked for chips, steak .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and banana fritters .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... I get three thousand fucking dissidents on a tray."
DEREK:
Yeah, cunts. What are they trying to pull, eh?
CLIVE:
Well, I-
DEREK:
They think we're cunts!
CLIVE:
I said, "If you're expecting a tip, mate, if you're expecting a tip .....
DEREK:
Go to fucking .....
CLIVE:
..... you can get the fuck out of my hotel room."
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
Anyway, they just dumped 'em down on the-, on the-, .....
DEREK:
W-
CLIVE:
..... on the floor.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
All these dissid-, I got talking to them, some nice blokes, actually.
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
Err, Sergei ..... er ..... Walankov. Sergei Walankov.
DEREK:
Ohhh, Wankoff, yes.
CLIVE:
Walankov. He wrote some poetry, he wrote, erm, a poem saying, er:

The Soviet Union is a khasi
Mister Brezhnev is a cunt
And, er, I want my freedom

you see .....
DEREK:
Ye-ah.
CLIVE:
And he published that in a dissident newspaper.
DEREK:
I'd rather be room service than in prison.
CLIVE:
But I'll say one thing for Russia. The-, the health service is tremendous.
DEREK:
Oh, yeah.
CLIVE:
As soon as you're ill they kill you.
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
Yeah. Oh, there's no fucking about with cures.
DEREK:
Hu-heah, well they've got the right idea, haven't they?