Derek & Clive -
"Russia"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:

I'll tell you one thing I can't stand .....

DEREK:

Tell me.

CLIVE:

..... about Russia, is the dead bodies in your hotel room.

DEREK:

Oh, blimey, yeah.

CLIVE:

'cause I booked into a second class hotel, you know, second class hotel, .....

DEREK:

Mmm.

CLIVE:

..... two stars, and, er, I asked, er, room service, erm, tch, you know, for a light meal 'cause I was going sight-seeing the next morning.

DEREK:

Mmmm.

CLIVE:

And I said, "I'd like some chips and a-, you know, a steak medium-rare and a banana fritter", you know.

DEREK:

Mmm.

CLIVE:

And, er, this bloke come up to the room and, frankly, it wasn't what I ordered. He brought up, er, three thousand dissidents .....

DEREK:

Oh, w-, blimey.

CLIVE:

..... with their testicles attached to electrodes.

DEREK:

Tss!

CLIVE:

And I said, "Call this fucking room service? 's not room service," I said, "I asked for chips, steak .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... and banana fritters .....

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

..... I get three thousand fucking dissidents on a tray."

DEREK:

Yeah, cunts. What are they trying to pull, eh?

CLIVE:

Well, I-

DEREK:

They think we're cunts!

CLIVE:

I said, "If you're expecting a tip, mate, if you're expecting a tip .....

DEREK:

Go to fucking .....

CLIVE:

..... you can get the fuck out of my hotel room."

DEREK:

Yeah, yeah.

CLIVE:

Anyway, they just dumped 'em down on the-, on the-, .....

DEREK:

W-

CLIVE:

..... on the floor.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

All these dissid-, I got talking to them, some nice blokes, actually.

DEREK:

Yeah?

CLIVE:

Err, Sergei ..... er ..... Walankov. Sergei Walankov.

DEREK:

Ohhh, Wankoff, yes.

CLIVE:

Walankov. He wrote some poetry, he wrote, erm, a poem saying, er:

The Soviet Union is a khasi
Mister Brezhnev is a cunt
And, er, I want my freedom

you see .....

DEREK:

Ye-ah.

CLIVE:

And he published that in a dissident newspaper.

DEREK:

I'd rather be room service than in prison.

CLIVE:

But I'll say one thing for Russia. The-, the health service is tremendous.

DEREK:

Oh, yeah.

CLIVE:

As soon as you're ill they kill you.

DEREK:

Yeah?

CLIVE:

Yeah. Oh, there's no fucking about with cures.

DEREK:

Hu-heah, well they've got the right idea, haven't they?