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Derek & Clive -
"Sir"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
(In child's voice:) I'll tell you what happened .....
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
..... the other day.
DEREK:
(In child's voice:) What?
CLIVE:
I was-, I was out in the playing fields and I-, I-, I was just-, I wasn't doing anything at all and then I-, I looked behind a bush and I saw Wiggins and he was-, he was being awfully naughty, because .....
DEREK:
Wha-, wha-, what was he doing?
CLIVE:
He'd-, he-, he'd taken out his willy .....
DEREK:
No!
CLIVE:
..... and he was-, he was looking at it and then he was, sort of, moving it about, and I said, "You're jolly naughty, Wiggins, .....
DEREK:
Y-, wha-
CLIVE:
..... and if Sir catches you he'll get jolly batey!"
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
And he-, he said, "I don't care." And I said, "You will care if Sir catches you." And then Sir came up and he-, he caught me looking at Wiggins.
DEREK:
Ooh!
CLIVE:
And he said, "Don't you look at Wiggins doing that," .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... he said. He said, "You're coming to my study." And thought: 'Oh, gosh! How abs-', I thought: 'Oh! I'm done for!' I thought: 'Crumbs! If I go to Sir's co-, study he'll get jolly batey and probably do all sorts of things'. And then I we-, h-, Sir took me to his study and when he got in there he said, "I'm jolly cross with you .....
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
..... looking at-, at Wiggins playing with his willy .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... and I'm-, I'm going to have to punish you."
DEREK:
Ahh!
CLIVE:
And I-, I-, I was so frightened.
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
And then-, then-, then Sir said, .....
DEREK:
Ah! If-, oh!
CLIVE:
"But I won't-, I won't, just this time I'll let you off."
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
And-, and then he-, he un-, undid his-, his trousers .....
DEREK:
No, no, no!
CLIVE:
..... and he took out his willy .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... and it was all-, it was- .....
DEREK:
Was it a big willy?
CLIVE:
..... it was all big .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... and it was very long .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... and very hard .....
DEREK:
Oh, yes.
CLIVE:
..... and all big and long.
DEREK:
How did you know it was hard?
CLIVE:
'cause-, 'cause he said, "Now then," .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... he said, "for being so naughty .....
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
..... I'm going to take you for a dicky-back ride .....
DEREK:
Oh no!
CLIVE:
..... all round the study." And then he-, he asked me to hop on his willy and he-, he- .....
DEREK:
Oh no! Did you do that?
CLIVE:
Yes, .....
DEREK:
Ohh! Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... I hopped on his willy and it was all hard .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... and, er, he ran around the study and he was going, "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!", like that, .....
DEREK:
What-, ooh .....
CLIVE:
..... he was going, "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"
DEREK:
Why was he going like that for?
CLIVE:
I don't know, .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... Sir never told me why he was going, "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"
DEREK:
O-, Ohh.
CLIVE:
When-, he ran about for about five minutes all round the room .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... and I-, I didn't know what to do so I just-, I just looked out of the window .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... and I saw Wiggins again playing with his willy .....
DEREK:
Oh-h!
CLIVE:
..... but I was going so fast I couldn't really see what was happening. And Sir kept .....
DEREK:
N-no, was everything getting blurred?
CLIVE:
Ye-, it was getting blurred .....
DEREK:
Ooh, yes, y-, I must .....
CLIVE:
..... and Sir was going faster and faster .....
DEREK:
..... I-, I must just play with my- .....
CLIVE:
..... and he was going, "Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! U-"
DEREK:
I must play with my willy!
CLIVE:
..... and then-, then suddenly, .....
DEREK:
I must play with my, hnn-ohh!
CLIVE:
..... then suddenly all this, all this, all this white sticky stuff was all over-, .....
DEREK:
Oh-h-h!
CLIVE:
..... all over my-, all over my legs.
DEREK:
What this?
CLIVE:
And then Sir went, "Urrghh-h-h-h-h"
DEREK:
Oh - dear!
CLIVE:
And then-, then he-, then he stopped and I-, .....
DEREK:
Di-, he-
CLIVE:
..... I said, "Oh, I-, I-," I said, "Oh," .....
DEREK:
Uhh.
CLIVE:
..... and he said, "Oh, look," he said, "erm, all the Brasso has come out and got onto your, onto your botty," he said, "and I'm going to have to take some-, take a-, take a cloth and wipe your botty clean because it's got all this white Brasso on it."
DEREK:
Di-, di-, di- .....
CLIVE:
And then Sir took this handkerchief out, 'cause he didn't have a cloth, and wiped my botty all the time, he was wiping and wiping and wiping it.
DEREK:
He was probably trying to shine it.
CLIVE:
Yes, he was .....
DEREK:
Di-, b-, bu- .....
CLIVE:
..... trying to get my botty very shiny, that's what he said afterwards.
DEREK:
Did it look like this?
CLIVE:
No, it didn't look quite as shiny as that, but at the end after about ten minutes .....
DEREK:
No, but the sticky stuff.
CLIVE:
The sticky stuff looked just like that, yes, he said it was Brasso. And he shined my botty away and then he said, "Don't ever do that again."
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
And I was-, I felt: 'Golly, that was a-, a narrow squeak 'cause Sir could have done something really nasty, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
..... like, punish me'.