Derek & Clive -
"Celebrity Suicide"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:

I ..... bought a ball bearing business down, er, Dulwich way and, er, it's doing quite well.

DEREK:

Yeah-h, yeah, it's better, that.

CLIVE:

Our turnover is up to, er, three thousand, er, .....

DEREK:

Ball bearings.

CLIVE:

Three thousand a week, yeah.

DEREK:

Yeah? That's good.

CLIVE:

And the good thing about ball bearings is that, er, .....

DEREK:

Well, it's-, it's .....

CLIVE:

The f-

DEREK:

..... everybody needs ball bearings.

CLIVE:

Well, that's what I say. The wife says, "Well, why don't you become a ..... television star?", and I say, "W-, why do I need it .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... when I've got my ball bearings to keep me rolling?"

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And, er, .....

DEREK:

Uhh-huh.

CLIVE:

..... she'd still like me to be on, er, on the telly .....

DEREK:

Yeah, well y- .....

CLIVE:

..... so I volunteered for this new game they've got on, er, 'Celebrity Suicide'.

DEREK:

Oh yeah (laughs)

CLIVE:

In which, er, well-known celebrities, erm, put themselves in a noose and, er, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... hang themselves. And the last person to die gets a - thousand quid.

DEREK:

That's good.

CLIVE:

But, er, they-, I wasn't selected.

DEREK:

No, well, you wouldn't - be.

CLIVE:

I said, "I-, is, .....

DEREK:

It's fixed.

CLIVE:

..... is it because I'm only, er, one inch high ..... and four foot wide?", and they said, "No, it's nothing to do with that." 'Cause you know I'm very .....

DEREK:

Well, you are .....

CLIVE:

..... wide on the ground and short in the air. And, er, they said, "No, it's nothing to with that," they said, "er, the basic fact is we think you're a cunt, .....

DEREK:

That's unusual.

CLIVE:

..... and we don't like cunts on the show 'cause it puts off the audience."

DEREK:

(sniggers)

CLIVE:

And so I-, I went away with a flea in my ear.

DEREK:

Best place to have it.

CLIVE:

Really, yeah. And, er, the wife is still on about me being a celebrity, you know, and, er, ..... she was on, er, she was on, erm, 'Blow Your Tits Up' and .....

DEREK:

(laughs aloud)

CLIVE:

(sniggers) She was on this, er, new game called 'Blow Your Tits Up' .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... in which, er, celebrities such as Anthony Newley and Bruce Forsyth attach explosives to women's tits and, erm, the tits that go highest in the air .....

DEREK:

(still laughing)

CLIVE:

..... win the biggest prizes. But Dolly said, er, she couldn't stand that and, er, .....

DEREK:

(coughs)

CLIVE:

..... I respected-, I respected her views.

DEREK:

Well, you do, don't you?

CLIVE:

You remember Vera?

DEREK:

Gorrrr .....

CLIVE:

..... I nearly married.

DEREK:

..... yeah, yeah.

CLIVE:

The one I ..... fucked and, er, nailed to the wall in Chiswick. Er, she was invited to, erm, 'Celebrity Saviours' .....

DEREK:

Yeah?

CLIVE:

In which, er, well-known people are-, are nailed up to the-, to the wall .....

DEREK:

(laughs)

CLIVE:

..... and the one who screams loudest, er, gets the prize but, er, she said that was, er, beneath her dignity.

DEREK:

Yeah, well .....

CLIVE:

I respect that view .....

DEREK:

(sniggers)

CLIVE:

..... but I still think she was a cunt not to take the money.