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Derek & Clive -
"Celebrity Suicide"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
I ..... bought a ball bearing business down, er, Dulwich way and, er, it's doing quite well.
DEREK:
Yeah-h, yeah, it's better, that.
CLIVE:
Our turnover is up to, er, three thousand, er, .....
DEREK:
Ball bearings.
CLIVE:
Three thousand a week, yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah? That's good.
CLIVE:
And the good thing about ball bearings is that, er, .....
DEREK:
Well, it's-, it's .....
CLIVE:
The f-
DEREK:
..... everybody needs ball bearings.
CLIVE:
Well, that's what I say. The wife says, "Well, why don't you become a ..... television star?", and I say, "W-, why do I need it .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... when I've got my ball bearings to keep me rolling?"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, er, .....
DEREK:
Uhh-huh.
CLIVE:
..... she'd still like me to be on, er, on the telly .....
DEREK:
Yeah, well y- .....
CLIVE:
..... so I volunteered for this new game they've got on, er, 'Celebrity Suicide'.
DEREK:
Oh yeah (laughs)
CLIVE:
In which, er, well-known celebrities, erm, put themselves in a noose and, er, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... hang themselves. And the last person to die gets a - thousand quid.
DEREK:
That's good.
CLIVE:
But, er, they-, I wasn't selected.
DEREK:
No, well, you wouldn't - be.
CLIVE:
I said, "I-, is, .....
DEREK:
It's fixed.
CLIVE:
..... is it because I'm only, er, one inch high ..... and four foot wide?", and they said, "No, it's nothing to do with that." 'Cause you know I'm very .....
DEREK:
Well, you are .....
CLIVE:
..... wide on the ground and short in the air. And, er, they said, "No, it's nothing to with that," they said, "er, the basic fact is we think you're a cunt, .....
DEREK:
That's unusual.
CLIVE:
..... and we don't like cunts on the show 'cause it puts off the audience."
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
And so I-, I went away with a flea in my ear.
DEREK:
Best place to have it.
CLIVE:
Really, yeah. And, er, the wife is still on about me being a celebrity, you know, and, er, ..... she was on, er, she was on, erm, 'Blow Your Tits Up' and .....
DEREK:
(laughs aloud)
CLIVE:
(sniggers) She was on this, er, new game called 'Blow Your Tits Up' .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... in which, er, celebrities such as Anthony Newley and Bruce Forsyth attach explosives to women's tits and, erm, the tits that go highest in the air .....
DEREK:
(still laughing)
CLIVE:
..... win the biggest prizes. But Dolly said, er, she couldn't stand that and, er, .....
DEREK:
(coughs)
CLIVE:
..... I respected-, I respected her views.
DEREK:
Well, you do, don't you?
CLIVE:
You remember Vera?
DEREK:
Gorrrr .....
CLIVE:
..... I nearly married.
DEREK:
..... yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
The one I ..... fucked and, er, nailed to the wall in Chiswick. Er, she was invited to, erm, 'Celebrity Saviours' .....
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
In which, er, well-known people are-, are nailed up to the-, to the wall .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... and the one who screams loudest, er, gets the prize but, er, she said that was, er, beneath her dignity.
DEREK:
Yeah, well .....
CLIVE:
I respect that view .....
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
..... but I still think she was a cunt not to take the money.