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Derek & Clive -
"Labels"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
It's very easy to get muddled up c's-, muddled up, i'n'it?
DEREK:
Ohh, blimey, yeah, oh yeah, hmm.
CLIVE:
An' I wante-, I wanted to buy some, er, dark glasses, you know.
DEREK:
Oh-h-h yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
To keep the sun out, an' that.
DEREK:
(sings:) #Keep the sun out of my eyes
CLIVE:
And, er, they gave me a motorcycle instead.
DEREK:
Tch! Fucking cunts, they-, they gave you a motorcycle?
CLIVE:
Yeah. They didn't tell me, you know, and s-, .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... didn't say what it was, .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... and so, you know, I got home and, er, put the cycle on me ..... nose .....
DEREK:
On your nose, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, hoped that the, you know, get some shade but it was so fucking heavy those .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
Mine was a huge great Honda, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
And, er, .....
DEREK:
Well, I suppose it was .....
CLIVE:
..... absolutely useless for getting .....
DEREK:
Well, it ruins your fucking eyes!
CLIVE:
..... keeping the s-, keep the sun out.
DEREK:
Ruins your eyes. W-
CLIVE:
And then, er, I made another mistake, I-, I jumped on my dark glasses and tried to, you know, zoom up to Kilburn at hundred miles and hour on the dark glasses .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... I was sat on them and, er, didn't fucking move. I was-, I felt a cunt, you know, I was sitting in the middle of the road on-, o- .....
DEREK:
Trying to rev up on one of the fucking .....
CLIVE:
Trying to rev up on a pair of polaroids, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
They should, you know, .....
DEREK:
They should fucking label things!
CLIVE:
They should fucking label things.
DEREK:
(clears throat:) Yeah, well, I-, I went to the, er, I went to the, er, the grocers the other day, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Mmm.
DEREK:
..... get some Brussels sprouts. I said, "A pound of Brussels sprouts, please."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
He gave me a packet of three. And I went home and I, you know, I boiled 'em up.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And, er, well, I-, you know, Valerie .....
CLIVE:
They-, they-, they taste nothing like Brussels sprouts.
DEREK:
Well, Valerie-, Valerie said nothing and I said nothing c-, you know, I just-, I put a lot of salt on 'em, an' that. Luckily they were lubricated otherwise they'd have been really dreadful.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
But I-, you know, if people would label things, take the fucking time out to label things .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, I mean, I bet-, I bet there's some poor cunt who, you know, got some girl up the spout 'cause he put Brussels sprouts all over his knob .....
DEREK:
Right! Well .....
CLIVE:
..... as a precaution. That's no fucking good.
DEREK:
Well, there's Derek Grebe .....
CLIVE:
Derek Grebe?!
DEREK:
Derek-, Derek Grebe, er, went in there to grocers afterwards and he said, "I'll have a packet of three," and they gave him a pound of Brussels sprouts.
CLIVE:
Oh, fuck, and so Doreen's pregnant now.
DEREK:
Right, yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, y-, y-n-, my, er, my Ann. She wanted some lip gloss, you know, we're going out celebrating that night and, er, she said, you know, "I'll just have the French Orlain, er, lip gloss," you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, that's all, that's .....
CLIVE:
That's all she asked for.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah .....
CLIVE:
And, er, they gave her a cement mixer.
DEREK:
Tch.
CLIVE:
And she was distraught, you know, I said, you know, I-, she's always, you know, late dressing, fiddling around with her hair, and that, you know .....
DEREK:
Oh, fucking cunt, she is, mate! Frankly.
CLIVE:
Well, y-, frankly, yeah, a cunt. But, you know, er-r-r ..... she-, she .....
DEREK:
Fucking stupid cunt, I'd like to kick her fucking cunt OFF!!
CLIVE:
Well, you can any time, but the point was I said, you know, "Where are you? W-why are you taking so long?" She said, "I can't get this lip gloss on". And there she was, struggling with a cement mixer .....
DEREK:
Tch.
CLIVE:
..... on her face, and, er, I said, y-kn, I said, "Never mind, you look fine with it on," you know, with a-
DEREK:
Ohh, wait a moment, you see, cor, fucking hell, 's coming back to me! Two weeks ago, tch, Fred was going to put down a patio outside the backyard .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, I remember that.
DEREK:
..... and, er, I went out there about four hours later, he said he'd been working for about four hours, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and there was fucking lip gloss all over the grass.
CLIVE:
Oh, shit, that's-
DEREK:
That's probably what's happened.
CLIVE:
Ob-, Obv-, O-, Obviously th-, err, that's where .....
DEREK:
There's been that confusion.
CLIVE:
..... there's been that confusion.
DEREK:
Christ. Fucking n-. You see if only people would label .....
CLIVE:
If-, if they'd fucking label things you-, y-, y-, you'd know where you were.