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Derek & Clive -
"The Horn"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

DEREK:
Ommmmmm om om ommm .....
CLIVE:
I'll tell you something, er, that religious singing reminded me of something.
DEREK:
Ommmm .....
CLIVE:
Did you, did you see that, er, TV coverage of the, er, the Pope when he was lying in state? The-, the last Pope, you know, John Paul?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Lying in state? On that-, on that catafalque?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
In those robes?
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
Didn't half give me the horn, that. Him lying there. He looked so fucking vulnerable, didn't he? I mean, like, I c-, I couldn't prevent myself, you know, having a wank immediately 'cause he looked-, he looked vulnerable, he looked at-, at rest and, er, somebody had, er, gone to the trouble of plucking all that hair out of his nostrils. I didn't fancy him when he was alive 'cause he had all this fucking hair up his nostrils but when they'd, er, when the cosmetician had had a go at his body and that .....
DEREK:
Well, I-, I gather, erm, he had a, you know .....
CLIVE:
I got the fucking horn in .....
DEREK:
Yeah, well .....
CLIVE:
..... just seeing him lying there.
DEREK:
Well, the make-up was fantastic on that. Who done .....
CLIVE:
But I imagine that, er, .....
DEREK:
Who done the wardrobe?
CLIVE:
What, for the Pope's funeral?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Er-r, was it Verity Lambert, was it?
DEREK:
Was it Mr Fish?
CLIVE:
Mr Fish or .....
DEREK:
Yeah, I don't know .....
CLIVE:
..... or Mrs-, could be Mrs Fish done it? I dunno.
DEREK:
Yeah, I dunno.
CLIVE:
'Cause she does a lot of things.
DEREK:
It was bloody beautiful. But it's interesting, gave you the horn.
CLIVE:
Well, I-, I find I'm, you know, er, .....
DEREK:
Well, you're .....
CLIVE:
..... I'm attracted by, er, .....
DEREK:
You're .....
CLIVE:
..... dead Popes.
DEREK:
By dead Popes. Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, er, you know .....
DEREK:
I can understand that. I can understand that. It's enough to give you the horn. Anything gives me the horn, I find. I c-, you know, I can look at anything. I look at, er, a picture of a-, of a, er-, erm, a piece of, er, toilet paper, I get the horn.
CLIVE:
You get .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, it's .....
DEREK:
I get a very hard horn. I get a ve-, I mean, not just the horn .....
CLIVE:
What, any particular, just Bronco, or just Andrex, what?
DEREK:
Well .....
CLIVE:
Anything in particular give you the horn?
DEREK:
No, I don't distinguish, I don't distinguish, anything.
CLIVE:
Anything gives you the horn, does it?
DEREK:
Anything gives me the horn, I'm very lucky that way. Except my wife Valerie. She doesn't give me the horn at all.
CLIVE:
No, she's an ugly bitch, isn't she?
DEREK:
I've explained to her, time after time. I said, "Val," I said, I-, "fuck knows what it is, love, but you do not give me the horn." I said, "You fucking don't give me the horn!" .....
CLIVE:
I'll tell you what .....
DEREK:
..... but everything else gives me the horn. I went down, I opened the gate, that gave me the horn, I, you know, put my foot on the pavement, that gave me the horn.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
You know, everything gives me the horn.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I like that.
CLIVE:
Lord Longford gives me the fucking horn.
DEREK:
Yeah, oh yeah.
CLIVE:
I reckon it's the way he does his hair, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... really gets me going.
DEREK:
Yeah, oh yeah.
CLIVE:
I see him wandering about.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
He's so fucking fanciable, that Longford.
DEREK:
Oh fucking hell mate, I tell you, .....
CLIVE:
I mean, I wish I was in prison for life, .....
DEREK:
..... drives me round the bend!
CLIVE:
...... I wish I'd killed a few people, I wish I was in prison, .....
DEREK:
So he'd come round .....
CLIVE:
..... I wish I was a mass murderer .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and I was in prison so Lord Longford could come round and give me the horn .....
DEREK:
Ye-es.
CLIVE:
..... like he-, he gives other people, you know.
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
'Cause I only see him in photos and-, and on telly and that, but .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... in the flesh I imagine he must be fan-fucking-tastic.
DEREK:
Fu-u-, that's right mate. You, you strip him down .....
CLIVE:
I mean, you think of that lucky girl, Myra Hindley, .....
DEREK:
You strip him down-,
CLIVE:
..... sat in there, .....
DEREK:
..... down to his bare essentials, mate .....
CLIVE:
..... he's coming round on daily visits to see her.
DEREK:
Hmmm. I bet he gets-, I wonder if he gets the horn?
CLIVE:
I'll tell you another thing gives me the horn.
DEREK:
What's that?
CLIVE:
The word "and".
DEREK:
Oh, "and".
CLIVE:
Whenever I see the word "and" in a book .....
DEREK:
You-, you've picked a favourite of mine there.
CLIVE:
..... I get so fucking horny, I-
DEREK:
Oh, fucking "and", mate. Ohh, Jesus, .....
CLIVE:
C-
DEREK:
..... don't I-, there's such a lot of it about!
CLIVE:
Yeah. This "and" that, you know, s- .....
DEREK:
Fucking "AND" this "AND" that "AND" that .....
CLIVE:
"This" gives me the horn, "that" gives me the horn.
DEREK:
"This"-, and "that" gi-, oh fucking shit!
CLIVE:
If I see a sentence which reads "this and that" .....
DEREK:
Oh, fucking "and", mate!
CLIVE:
..... I get such a fucking hard-on I don't know what to fucking do.
DEREK:
I'd-, I wrote to the editor .....
CLIVE:
"The" is another one gives me the horn.
DEREK:
Oh, "the"! Oh, come-
CLIVE:
They keep using that one, don't they?
DEREK:
What you-, have you been-, have you been reading my diary? Have you?
CLIVE:
Yeah, I was looking through it, you know.
DEREK:
Well fuck me, .....
CLIVE:
I saw "the", "and", .....
DEREK:
..... I don't think that's very nice.
CLIVE:
No, it wasn't, what I read was, erm, .....
DEREK:
You let-, you saw my secrets.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I-, I saw that one about .....
DEREK:
You knew that I liked "the" and "and".
CLIVE:
Yeah, I knew that, that's why I mentioned "the" and "and" .....
DEREK:
I just don't .....
CLIVE:
..... to see if it would give you the horn. Of course, it has.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, of course it has. Oh, f-...
CLIVE:
But you wrote to the-, who did you write to about this?
DEREK:
I wrote-, well I, I sent a-, I sent a-, a round robin.
CLIVE:
Yeah, that's no fucking good, why didn't you send a letter?
DEREK:
Well, I sent a letter later.
CLIVE:
What, with the robin?
DEREK:
No, I sent Robin, and then that, you know, it didn't do fuck all, so I sent a letter.
CLIVE:
Robbin' Peter to pay Paul that is, it's just fucking stupid, why didn't you write a letter?
DEREK:
I did write a letter.
CLIVE:
Instead of sending some round-fucking-robin.
DEREK:
I sent Robin round because I thought that would be the way to do it.
CLIVE:
What, Robin had the letter?
DEREK:
No, I just sent Robin round!
CLIVE:
What good is Robin going round?
DEREK:
Until I realised I'd f-, I thought I might 's- .....
CLIVE:
Where di-, where the fuck did Robin go round to?
DEREK:
He didn't go round nowhere! I just sent him round!
CLIVE:
Round where?
DEREK:
He came back, he said, "Where the fuck am I supposed to go?" I said, "I don't fucking know, I sent you round, why don't you fucking go round?"
CLIVE:
Why didn't you send a letter?
DEREK:
Cunt.
CLIVE:
Well, have you sent a letter?
DEREK:
I did send a letter, yes.
CLIVE:
Who to?
DEREK:
I don't know! .....
CLIVE:
Well-
DEREK:
..... I don't know! I sent a fucking letter, I wrote the letter and put it in a pillar-box, I don't know who I sent it to!
CLIVE:
What, you didn't put a stamp on or and address it or anything like that?
DEREK:
No! I didn't-, fuck that!
CLIVE:
Well, .....
DEREK:
Waste a stamp?
CLIVE:
..... why don't you follow what John Cleese says on television?
DEREK:
I do.
CLIVE:
He says, "In order for post to get there," he comes out with all these ha-, handy fucking hints! He says, "Put a stamp on a letter and address it" ......
DEREK:
Oh, fuck that, mate.
CLIVE:
..... that's what I've been doing since I've seen those ads.
DEREK:
Fuck that. Write the letter and bung it in a fucking post-box.
CLIVE:
What, with no address?
DEREK:
No address.
CLIVE:
Well, did you get a reply?
DEREK:
No! I was fucking furious so I wrote another letter.
CLIVE:
What, the same method?
DEREK:
Yeah. Got no fucking reply again! The cunts! They're all cunts out there!
CLIVE:
I wrote to Mrs Thatcher.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, .....
CLIVE:
I said, "Dear Mrs Thatcher," you know, respectful, .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
"Pardon the language, but I've got the fucking horn."
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
And, you know, I thought I'd put it bluntly. "Dear Mrs-", I didn't call her 'Maggie', I wasn't familiar. I said, "Dear Mrs Thatcher, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... I have got the fucking horn and I want to know what you, as leader of the Conservative Party, plan to do about it." You know, ah, I was expecting a reasoned reply of some kind.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
What'd I get? A fucking letter come back, saying:
DEREK:
"The horn not known at this address."
CLIVE:
No!
DEREK:
Oh.
CLIVE:
It said, er, "Mrs Thatcher has read your enquiry with interest but it will not be part of official Conservative Party policy, though we are sympathetic to your cause." Well, in my view she hadn't even read the fucking thing.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I think some fucking secretary looked at it.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, right. Tossed- .....
CLIVE:
I wrote to Jim Callaghan .....
DEREK:
Tossed it on one side, if you'll pardon the expression.
CLIVE:
I wrote to Callaghan, that oily heap of shit. I didn't call him that, you know, .....
DEREK:
No, no, no.
CLIVE:
I called him, I said, "Dear Sir".
DEREK:
You didn't say "Dear oily piece of shit," did you?
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
Oh, thank God for that.
CLIVE:
No, 'cause that would offend him. He's tea-total and Welsh and that .....
DEREK:
'cause he-
CLIVE:
No, he's not Welsh is he? He's just a cunt of some kind, I forget where he comes from, somewhere.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, well we all do.
CLIVE:
I wrote, er, .....
DEREK:
We come from the horn, mate, all of us, .....
CLIVE:
I wrote to Jim Callaghan, .....
DEREK:
..... all of us.
CLIVE:
..... I said, er, "Dear Mr Callaghan, .....
DEREK:
Yeah-h-h, go on.
CLIVE:
..... I - have - got - the fucking horn and I want to know what the fucking hell the fucking Labour Party are going to do about the fucking horn!" And I got absolutely no fucking reply, he was probably huddling with the T.U.C. .....
DEREK:
What's that?
CLIVE:
I did a, er-r, quite good experiment for, er, BBC2, they're doing a documentary.
DEREK:
Oh, what, on the horn?
CLIVE:
Yeah, on the horn, and, er, the documentary people came round, you know, with the cameras, and at first I was a bit self-conscious, you know, like having cameras on you the whole fucking time.
DEREK:
Oh, yeah, well fuck that, mate. Fuck 'em.
CLIVE:
And they said, "Lie down on the bed."
DEREK:
Fuck 'em!
CLIVE:
They said, "Lie down on the bed, we want, .....
DEREK:
They've all got the-, they've all got-, they've all-, all got the horn.
CLIVE:
..... we're doing this documentary .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... on masturbation, you see."
DEREK:
Yeah, fucking dirty cunts.
CLIVE:
I said, "Don't call it 'masturbation'," I said, "call it 'wanking', come on."
DEREK:
Call it 'the horn'.
CLIVE:
"Call it 'wanking', call it 'having the horn and wanking'," I said, but they insisted on calling it masturbation, you know, 'cause BBC2, they have to use long fucking words.
DEREK:
Yeah, fucking cunts.
CLIVE:
And, I forget who was the producer, Xavier Cugat or someone like that .....
DEREK:
Radio 3, BBC2, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, all that stuff.
DEREK:
..... fucking- .....
CLIVE:
They said, "Lie on the bed and, erm, er, masturbate."
DEREK:
Mmm!
CLIVE:
And, er, I said, er, "What is my motivation?" .....
DEREK:
Uh-heh.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, he said, er, "the". And as soon as he said, "the" .....
DEREK:
You're off.
CLIVE:
..... I started, you-, pumping away, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, w-, he-, .....
CLIVE:
..... and it all came out, you know, a great mass of it, and, er, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, what, endless? Endless gobs .....
CLIVE:
No, no, about .....
DEREK:
A-, huge gobs of, of, of, hot f-, hot sperm spurting all .....
CLIVE:
Well, let's face it .....
DEREK:
..... endlessly in, into the air, was it?
CLIVE:
Quite a lot, and it all landed in my belly-button .....
DEREK:
In your hair.
CLIVE:
And they said, "That's-", I-, I was just going to get a Kleenex, you know, and wipe it out, and they said, "NO! Hold that, hold that, that's good, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... we like that, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... we like that, .....
DEREK:
Fucking right they do, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... It's very visual, you see," he said, "very visual." They said, er, "Could you do that again, .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... 'cause we have-, we've got a hair in the gate." I said, "Fucking hell, you've got a fucking hair in the gate, you're fucking professionals?" They said, "It can happen to anyone, you get a hair in the gate."
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So I had to do the whole thing again, and he said "the" again, .....
DEREK:
Oh, what, off you go.
CLIVE:
..... and I wanked away for half-, you know, about half an hour, 'cause I'd only just cum. And then they said, erm, I said, "Is that all right?", you know, I came, and they said, "No, we can't buy that one." .....
DEREK:
Fuck 'em.
CLIVE:
..... I said, "Why not?" and they said, "'cause you fell short of the belly-button."
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I said, "Well, fucking hell, what do you expect the second time around?"
DEREK:
Should have got me mate, I can cu-, I can come, I-, I can come every five minutes. I do-, I-, .....
CLIVE:
Well, .....
DEREK:
I just-, I just-, I-, .....
CLIVE:
..... I sent them round to your place! I told Xavier Cugat .....
DEREK:
I .....
CLIVE:
..... or whoever was in charge of the fucking crew, I said, "Go round to Derek's place! .....
DEREK:
I .....
CLIVE:
..... He'll give you a proper wank and hit his marks." I wrote to the fucking BBC after this experience with them, you know, cumming in my navel then falling short and then them all pissing off. They-, Tha-, tha-, they- .....
DEREK:
Yeah, well, they're cunts, they are.
CLIVE:
Load of cunts, the BBC. They-, they drank all my Guinness.
DEREK:
Yeah, fuck, what'd they-, what'd they fucking know about the horn?
CLIVE:
They drank all my Guinness.
DEREK:
What's BBC2 know about the fucking horn?
CLIVE:
Nothing.
DEREK:
Fuck all!
CLIVE:
I said to them, "Go round to Derek's place! He'll show you! .....
DEREK:
Yeah, I'll show you mate.
CLIVE:
..... He'll show you!" .....
DEREK:
Yeah, f-
CLIVE:
..... and I wrote a letter to them, I said, "Dear-," I wrote to whatever the fucking name is, the head of the fucking BBC, who's their .....
DEREK:
"Dear Cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah, that's right, I said, .....
DEREK:
That's it, yeah, "Dear Cunt".
CLIVE:
I put 'Cunt, London' on. I knew that would find him.
DEREK:
Yeah, 'Cunt, London' .....
CLIVE:
'Cunt, London' .....
DEREK:
'TV Centre', 'T-', 'Cunt, TV-'
CLIVE:
'T-', no, not even 'TV Centre', .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... you don't have to put 'TV Centre' .....
DEREK:
'Cunt, .....
CLIVE:
..... 'Cunt, London', .....
DEREK:
..... London'
CLIVE:
..... and it reaches the Director-General of the BBC, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... you can be certain of that.
DEREK:
Yeah. Fucking cunt.
CLIVE:
So I said, "Dear Cunt, .....
DEREK:
Yeah-he-heh.
CLIVE:
..... your fucking crew came round my fucking place last night and tried to film me fucking masturbating .....
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
..... and I did it perfectly well the first take .....
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
..... and I said they'd got a fucking hair in the gate .....
DEREK:
Yeah!
CLIVE:
..... and I'm paying twenty-five quid a fucking year to have a fucking colour licence and this is the fucking service I get!" And I said, "If we have any more Joyce Grenfell repeats .....
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
..... I'll come round to the TV Centre .....
DEREK:
And beat you to death .....
CLIVE:
..... beat you .....
DEREK:
..... with the fucking horn!
CLIVE:
..... beat you to death with my horn!"
DEREK:
Yeah-h, I'll get my fucking horn out and beat the whole fucking TV Centre down!
CLIVE:
And what reply did-, what .....
DEREK:
I'll fucking raze it with my knob!
CLIVE:
And what reply did I get? "Dear Sir, we thank you for your enquiry, .....
DEREK:
Cunt.
CLIVE:
..... and we regret to say .....
DEREK:
What a f-
CLIVE:
..... that we are unable to bring it into BBC2 planning this coming year .....
DEREK:
Fucking hell.
CLIVE:
..... but we'll bear it in mind."
DEREK:
You see you don't .....
CLIVE:
So I sent round-, "Bear it in mind", get the sarcasm of that.
DEREK:
Yeah, what a cunt.
CLIVE:
The subtle sarcasm of it, .....
DEREK:
"Bear it-"
CLIVE:
..... "Bear it in mind".
DEREK:
Bear it up your arse, mate.
CLIVE:
So, I-, ye-, precisely.
DEREK:
Bare your arse.
CLIVE:
You know that, er, big nigger who lives down the road?
DEREK:
Oh him, yeah, .....
CLIVE:
Huge black cunt.
DEREK:
..... ooh, lovely.
CLIVE:
I said-, I said to him, I said, erm, "Ephraim", strange name, isn't it, for a black?
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
I said, "There's a load of cunts at the BBC, .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... and they need sorting out." I said, erm, "This should-, should appeal to your fucking primitive urges." I said, "You like cannibalism, don't you? You like eating people alive in a frying pan?" I said, "Go round to the BBC with some of your mates dressed up in your loincloths and that, .....
DEREK:
(coughs)
CLIVE:
..... and, er, paint yourself up in different colours, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... whatever you cunts do back in Africa." And so he said, er, "Ooh, that's nice, that."
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And he-, he said, "What do we do when we arrive?" I said, "Go berserk, .....
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
..... tear the fucking place down, .....
DEREK:
Spunk all over the fucking Centre!
CLIVE:
..... spunk all over the Director-General, .....
DEREK:
Yeah-eh, huh, mmm.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, kill everyone in the studios."
DEREK:
Mmm, yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, and, erm, I-, he was all, you know, he got about forty of these coons gathered together to rush round to the BBC and I was-, you know, I was really looking forward to it. I was looking to-, looking forward to tuning in to the news that night .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... and seeing the news on the BBC .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... that the BBC had been burnt to the fucking ground.
DEREK:
For-, Forty thousand.
CLIVE:
I turned on the nine o'clock news, there was Kenneth Kendall, calm as a cucumber .....
DEREK:
Yeah, wait .....
CLIVE:
No story about anything fucking burning down!
DEREK:
No! Hold on, ho- .....
CLIVE:
And do you know what the cunt-black-nigger-poof-cunt said when he came back?
DEREK:
No-o.
CLIVE:
He said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't find it."
DEREK:
No!
CLIVE:
"I cou-, I lost my way," he said.
DEREK:
Y-, I .....
CLIVE:
"Lost your fucking way!" I said, .....
DEREK:
Bu- .....
CLIVE:
"You were more likely wanking down Lambeth."
DEREK:
I done a bit-, I done a .....
CLIVE:
Kenneth Kendall gives me the horn.
DEREK:
Oh what? (sucks in)
CLIVE:
Kenneth Kendall.
DEREK:
Oh blimey, Kenneth! Oh, you know, I wish I didn't get the horn so much, though.
CLIVE:
I wish I didn't, 'course .....
DEREK:
'cause my knob aches.
CLIVE:
One day-, one day, you know, when you're-, when you're very old .....
DEREK:
My knob don't half ache!
CLIVE:
..... you won't get the-, you won't get the horn any more.
DEREK:
I'll tell-
CLIVE:
And then when you don't get the horn you'll say, "I wish I had the horn." That's what you'll say.
DEREK:
I have to say to Valerie, "I can't do it, I've got knob-ache." And she says, "Like fuck you have, you cunt." I said, "I have, I've got knob-ache."
CLIVE:
What does she know about it? She's a woman.
DEREK:
Well, she's a-
CLIVE:
She got a knob? Wh-who's she to fucking talk?! Has she got a knob?
DEREK:
Yeah, well, she ain't got one of those .....
CLIVE:
Put that question to her! If Valerie ever says to you-, if ever quest-
DEREK:
Hey, wait a minute!
CLIVE:
She has.
DEREK:
She has!
CLIVE:
Here, I remember that.
DEREK:
Fucking hell, she has!
CLIVE:
It's a huge knob, isn't it?
DEREK:
Yeah. Fucking hell, I forgot, she has a knob. Valerie has a knob.
CLIVE:
Has she had it as long as you've known her, or is it just a sudden thing?
DEREK:
No, come to think of it - which I do - she's had it, erm, she's had it s-, ever since we got married. Oh, I'll have to go and see Valerie about her cock. Maybe she's got an-
CLIVE:
Well, you could probably, on the-, on the Health these days, you could probably have her knob, er, er, increased.
DEREK:
I don't want it increased.
CLIVE:
You'd get a supplementary benefit.
DEREK:
No, I don't want it increased. It's f-, no, no.
CLIVE:
You want it reduced?
DEREK:
No, I don't-
CLIVE:
Well then you have to fill in a lot of forms to get it reduced.
DEREK:
No, I'll just have to get used to it, really.
CLIVE:
But couldn't you get tax relief on an unemployed knob?
DEREK:
Probably.
CLIVE:
Well I should go into this with your accountant down the-, down the cycle shop.
DEREK:
Yeah. (sucks in) Oh, that gives me the horn.
CLIVE:
What, the cycle shop? Yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah-h
CLIVE:
I tell you, when they set those wheels spinning, oh, fucking hell!
DEREK:
Oh, you see, I see-, I see-, I look into that and I think, 'that's beautiful', the way those spokes move round, and I get the horn looking at that. I think I'm going to wank myself to death.
CLIVE:
Well, I was saying earlier-, I was saying earlier, interesting you've mentioned that, that when you get very old .....
DEREK:
Oh, don't .....
CLIVE:
..... y-, you won't get the horn .....
DEREK:
Oh, don't!
CLIVE:
..... at all.
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
And you'll be sitting in this room .....
DEREK:
Oh, frankly, when I .....
CLIVE:
..... and you'll be looking at books and trying to look at the word "and" and "the" and you won't get the horn at all.
DEREK:
Frankly, when I don't get the horn, that's when I take the pills.
CLIVE:
What, you'll, er, .....
DEREK:
'Cause that gives me the horn.
CLIVE:
What, taking pills?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Suicide gives you the horn, does it? Yeah, I get a bit excited by the idea of-, of suicide.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Gives me the fucking horn, .....
DEREK:
(chuckles)
CLIVE:
..... the thought of lying there dying, you know, .....
DEREK:
(whimpers)
CLIVE:
..... with all these pills and knowing that you're not quite strong enough to get to the phone and ring a doctor.
DEREK:
Oh, my knob don't half ache.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I think of that and it gives me the fucking horn. I imagine Keith Moon had the horn when he-, he was dying. That's probably why he took all those pills, like, wasn't it?
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
So he'd get the horn through thinking of dying but, of course, he overdid it and went and died. But being dead probably gives you the horn as well. I imagine when you're dead you have the horn ..... solidly, for ever and ever and eternity.
DEREK:
Well, I hope that .....
CLIVE:
I imagine God's got the horn, don't you?
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
He's probably .....
DEREK:
Well, he's-, .....
CLIVE:
..... got a huge prick on him, hasn't he?
DEREK:
..... he's fucking wanked all over the world for a good two thousand fucking years, mate.
CLIVE:
Yeah, he's probably got the horn continuously.
DEREK:
Probably a terrible wanker.
CLIVE:
Seraphim and cherubim continually do cry. And why do they continually cry? 'Cause they've all got the fucking horn up there.
DEREK:
Yeah, fucking knobs aching up there, mate! Continually crying with knob-ache!
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I'd like to meet Ezekiel and have a few words with him.
DEREK:
Yeah, he's got-, .....
CLIVE:
What a fucking load of crap he wrote.
DEREK:
..... he's got a lot to answer for.
CLIVE:
Leviticus? What a cunt.
DEREK:
Cunt. Herodotus? Get fucked!
CLIVE:
Herodotus?
DEREK:
Leviathan? Shove it!
CLIVE:
Leviathan? Was he-, was he a gospeller?
DEREK:
I don't know.
CLIVE:
No, he's just some cunt.
DEREK:
They just give me the horn.
CLIVE:
I get the-
DEREK:
That's all I fucking care about, is the horn, mate.
CLIVE:
Ohhhh.
DEREK:
I live by the horn. I shall live .....
CLIVE:
The book of fucking Rev-
DEREK:
..... and die for the horn. My-, that's all I'm interested in, is the horn.
CLIVE:
I wrote-, I wrote to the-, the Council of Churches and I said, "This fucking Bible, .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... especially, erm, Paul," .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... I said, "This fucking Bible really gives me the horn." And, er, I wrote, you know, .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... civilly to them at the World Council of Churches, I wrote, "Dear Cunts In Charge Of Religion," you know, familiar, .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... friendly. "Dear Cunts In Charge Of Religion, your fucking guidebook or whatever the fucking thing is don't half give me the horn, .....
DEREK:
(laughs loud)
CLIVE:
..... I get fucking horny, especially on Saint Paul!" And I got no reply whatsoever from that. Cunts! No wonder church attendance is dropping off.
DEREK:
(coughs) No wonder, everything's dropping off.
CLIVE:
You know like it says in the Bible .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... that, er, that Jesus, on the whole, .....
DEREK:
On the-?
CLIVE:
..... was, you know, fairly nice.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Do you think that's true?
DEREK:
No, I think he was probably a cunt.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I thought that, 'cause, you know, I've-, I've read the Bible, and he comes across so well, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, he comes across a bit too goody-goody, doesn't he? I mean, he must have had his faults.
CLIVE:
I reckon-, I reckon .....
DEREK:
He probably got the horn a lot.
CLIVE:
Well, if he didn't get the horn, then he wasn't human, was he?
DEREK:
No, right.
CLIVE:
And they say he was half human and half God .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... but which half was human? I bet it was the bottom half.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
The God bit was on the top and, er, the human bit had the horn.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I bet the God bit stopped at his navel .....
DEREK:
Mmm, mmm.
CLIVE:
..... and he had the human horn bit underneath.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So he could be wandering around feeling all nice and saying, "I'm God", up here, you see, but down below-, I suppose his hand would be below, wouldn't it?
DEREK:
Depends. He cou-
CLIVE:
His arm would start off as God and then become man as it reached about the wrist.
DEREK:
Probably, yeah, the wrist.
CLIVE:
So he could be wanking himself silly, all the time his brain was saying he's being, er, good and holy, you know.
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
What a load of fucking cobblers that is, isn't it? But there was one bit of the Bible I, erm, think was cut out.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Er, it was just after the Devil had been tempting him .....
DEREK:
Oh-h, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, the bit that was cut out said, er, "And Jesus suddenly-", no, it said, "And lo! .....
DEREK:
"The Devil had the horn."
CLIVE:
No, no it said, "And lo! Jesus suddenly got the horn and wandered out of the Garden of Gethsemane and fucked himself stupid for twenty-eight years." And that bit got left out 'cause, erm, I think it was Matthew thought it would be a bad idea, bad for the image.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
When of course, in my book, it makes him more understandable.
DEREK:
Oh yeah, makes him more human. Oh, well that's wrong, isn't it? Yeah.
CLIVE:
No, makes the bottom half human, that's normal.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
And the top half God.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
They say his right hand didn't know what his left hand was doing.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, I know what his left hand was doing, the same as his right hand.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Fucking encouraging the horn.
DEREK:
Scratching, mate.
CLIVE:
But they don't-, they cut bits out of the Bible, like it never says Jesus got athlete's foot .....
DEREK:
Well, they never gave-
CLIVE:
..... from wandering around in the desert.
DEREK:
Does it ever sa-, does it ever say .....
CLIVE:
Does it mention it? Does it say, "And lo! Jesus was stricken with athlete's foot"? Is that in? No, it's fucking out, .....
DEREK:
And .....
CLIVE:
..... 'cause it doesn't fit in, does it? .....
DEREK:
..... did it ever say .....
CLIVE:
..... With a picture of this holy cunt wandering round telling people to be good.
DEREK:
Did it ever say, "And lo! Jesus had a wee-wee"? No.
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
Nowhere.
CLIVE:
Are we to assume that Jesus, throughout his brief life, never had a piss? And if-, if he did have a piss, why wasn't it fucking reported? Did he have a crap, why wasn't it down? Why didn't Paul say, "And Jesus went into the temple, had a piss, had a crap, wiped his arse with the money-changers," and, er, put in all the stuff which would make him human instead of all this shit about saying, "Take up thy bed and walk," to some cunt who's probably perfectly happy begging?
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Makes you fucking sick.
DEREK:
Well, he's probably be-, he's probably been, er, misreported. When he said, "Take up thy bed and walk," he said, "Where's the fucking bog? .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... I'm dying for a slash!"
CLIVE:
That's what he probably said.
DEREK:
Probably what he said, not .....
CLIVE:
But .....
DEREK:
..... "take up thy bed and fucking walk."
CLIVE:
..... he'd have said it in Hebrew, which is difficult .....
DEREK:
Who-, who-, I mean, who would have said that? "Take up thy bed and walk", it's a-, it's a giveaway.
CLIVE:
That-
DEREK:
"Where's the fucking bog, I'm dying, mate!" That's what it was.
CLIVE:
"Love thy neighbour as thyself", .....
DEREK:
I think-, I think .....
CLIVE:
..... it's more, "Love thy neighbour, I don't half fancy her too" and rushing round for a quick one!
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
(lights a cigarette) He was a human being.
DEREK:
Oh, well, you can't blame him, can you?
CLIVE:
No, of course you can't.
DEREK:
Had an image-, had an image, mate. He had-, he had to, you know, preserve it. Just think of it, .....
CLIVE:
But he gives me the horn.
DEREK:
Yeah? (laughs)
CLIVE:
Jesus! Those pictures of him.
DEREK:
Oh, he doesn't-, Je-, no, he doesn't give me the horn.
CLIVE:
Well, I get .....
DEREK:
I'd forgotten about him, actually. Valerie and, yeah, Jesus both. Maybe it's that beard she's got.
CLIVE:
Has it ever struck you that Valerie might be Jesus?
DEREK:
Fucking hell!
CLIVE:
Have you seen the sudden-, sudden interconnection?
DEREK:
Hey, wait a moment.
CLIVE:
This co-, connection?
DEREK:
The beard .....
CLIVE:
Jesus doesn't give you the horn, Valerie doesn't give you the horn, they both have beards!
DEREK:
And they-, and-, and Valerie's got a knob.
CLIVE:
She goes around .....
DEREK:
Valerie's got a-
CLIVE:
Jesus had a knob!
DEREK:
Oh, fucking hell, you've got me!
CLIVE:
Does she pin herself up on a cross every now and then? .....
DEREK:
Well, .....
CLIVE:
..... 'course she, ye-, course she does! 's right, I've got a Polaroid of that.
DEREK:
Well, it's-, I-, I though it was just a thing she had.
CLIVE:
No! She's obv-, you-, you've obviously married Jesus .....
DEREK:
Ohhh .....
CLIVE:
..... who's come back in the form of Valerie.
DEREK:
Ohhh, that's-, Blimey!
CLIVE:
Well, you'd better .....
DEREK:
I feel like-, I-, ohh, that's-, that's given me the horn.
CLIVE:
But Jesus, you-, no!
DEREK:
I'VE GOT THE HORN! DO YOU REALISE? I'VE GOT THE HORN!
CLIVE:
But you don't get the horn for Jesus or for Valerie, .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... but the thought of Jesus being Valerie gives you the horn.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, that's proof, isn't it?
DEREK:
Fucking hell.
CLIVE:
Two in one and one in two, flush 'em both down the loo. I think Valerie is Jesus. If so, you're in schtuck, mate!
DEREK:
(laughs)

(plays piano and sings:)

#Oh, fucking hell
#I've l-got the horn
#Oh - I've - got - the - horn

Everybody:
CLIVE:
He's got the horn.
DEREK:
#He's got the horn
CLIVE:
He's got the horn.
DEREK:
#He's got the horn
#He's got the horn!
#He's got the horn
#He's got the horn
CLIVE:
Yeah, he's got it, he's got the horn all right.
DEREK:
#He's got the ho-o-o-orn
#He's got the ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-orn!!
#He's go-o-o-o-ot the horn.
CLIVE:
He's got a fucking stalk on him.
DEREK:
#He's go-o-o-o-ot the horn
#Heee's got the horn
#Heeee's got the horn
#He's go-o-o-o-o-ot the-e-e-e horn
DEREK & CLIVE:
#He's got the horn
#He's got the horn
DEREK:
#He's got the horn
#He's got the horn
CLIVE:
No, I ha-, I haven't-, I haven't got the horn!
DEREK:
#He's got the horn
CLIVE:
I haven't got the horn.
DEREK:
#He's got the horn!
CLIVE:
I haven't got the horn.
DEREK:
#He's got the horn
CLIVE:
I haven't got the horn.
DEREK:
#He's got the horn!
CLIVE:
It's no good singing, I haven't got the fucking horn!
DEREK:
#HE'S GOT THE HORN!!!
CLIVE:
I haven't got the horn.
DEREK:
Nor have I.