Derek & Clive -
"Mona"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:

(as gameshow host:) All right, love, you can, um, come out of the cubicle now, erm, .....

DEREK:

(as Mona:) Hm-m-m-mm.

CLIVE:

That's right, Mona.

DEREK:

Oh-ho-o-oh.

CLIVE:

Now, Mona, you're doing very well. Your husband got three out of three, that's one hundred percent, that's fifteen hundred pounds on the board.

DEREK:

Ohh-hohh. Shi-, f-fu-

CLIVE:

Now, let's see if you can get the three thousand pound jackpot.

DEREK:

Mmff-ss.

CLIVE:

Y-, you're not nervous, are you?

DEREK:

No, it's just my breath, that is m-, h-, I-, I'm getting a bit .....

CLIVE:

WELL, IT'S ONLY A GAME! Don't-, don't-, don't worry, Mona.

DEREK:

..... breathless.

CLIVE:

Now, Mona, Mona, Mona, if your mother-in-law came to stay unexpectedly, would your husband: one - pelt her with Rice Crispies; .....

DEREK:

Ohh.

CLIVE:

..... two - beat her to death with a Goblin's teasmaid; .....

DEREK:

Ohh-hh!

CLIVE:

..... or, three - drop a basket full of vipers on her head?

DEREK:

Ohh.

CLIVE:

Now, that's the Rice Crispies, .....

DEREK:

The Rice Crispies, y-hhhh .....

CLIVE:

..... the-, the teasmaid or possibly the vipers.

DEREK:

..... possibly the vipers. Oh, well, I'd-, I'd-, I'd-, .....

CLIVE:

Which one? Which one would he do?

DEREK:

Hmm, I'd have-, I'd have to say, erm, he'd drop vipers.

CLIVE:

HE'D DROP THE VIPERS!! YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, MONA!!

DEREK:

Ohh-hh-hh!!!

(sound of canned audience applause)

CLIVE:

Yes, he'd let the vipers loose!

DEREK:

Oh!

CLIVE:

Mona, that's only two to go for that magic three thousand pounds.

DEREK:

Ohh.

CLIVE:

Now, Mona, ah, picture to yourself, you're on the Costa Brava - that's in Spain - it's very hot, the sun's beating down, you know, you're a bit hot and you've forgotton your sun cream.

DEREK:

Yesss.

CLIVE:

Now, would Len .....

DEREK:

Oh, but I'd never forget my sun cream.

CLIVE:

No, but just for the game assume you have. Now, would Len ask you to: stand with your legs apart .....

DEREK:

Ohhh-hh-hh-oh!!!

CLIVE:

..... so he could lie in the shadow of your skirt; .....

DEREK:

Mmmmmm.

CLIVE:

..... or, two - tie half a coconut over his nose; .....

DEREK:

Tch! F-

CLIVE:

..... or, three - take off his trousers .....

DEREK:

Oh!

CLIVE:

..... and put them over his head?

DEREK:

Ohh.

CLIVE:

Now, which one is it? The coconut over the nose, .....

DEREK:

Coconut over the nose .....

CLIVE:

..... lie under your skirt, .....

DEREK:

Under skirt .....

CLIVE:

..... or take his trousers off .....

DEREK:

Trousers .....

CLIVE:

..... and put them over his head?

DEREK:

I'd have to say ..... I'd have to say the coconut.

CLIVE:

Definitely the coconut! .....

DEREK:

Ohh!

CLIVE:

..... You're quite right, .....

(sound of canned audience applause)

..... that's exactly what Len said. He'd put the coconut over his nose .....

DEREK:

Oh!

CLIVE:

..... and why shouldn't he? It's a free country. Now, Mona, huh, I-, I desperately hope we're going to get the jackpot this week, the three thousand .....

DEREK:

Oh.

CLIVE:

..... beautiful, lovely pounds. Are you nervous, Mona?

DEREK:

Well, I-, just a bit breathless.

CLIVE:

Just a little, just a little! Don't worry, love, it's only a game. Now, Mona, for three thousand pounds, if you were to get the answer to this one wrong .....

DEREK:

Ohhh.

CLIVE:

..... would your husband, Len: smash you in the teeth with a croquet mallet; .....

DEREK:

Ohh!

CLIVE:

..... shit himself; .....

DEREK:

Ohh.

CLIVE:

..... or, shoot himself?

DEREK:

(sucks in)

CLIVE:

That's smash you with the croquet mallet, .....

DEREK:

Smash the mallet .....

CLIVE:

..... shit himself, .....

DEREK:

Shit himself or .....

CLIVE:

..... or shoot himself?

DEREK:

..... shoot himself. Uhhhh! Ohh! Errmmm .....

CLIVE:

Come on, love.

DEREK:

Ohh, I d-, oh, I've got to make a choice.

CLIVE:

I'm going to have to ask you to make a choice.

DEREK:

I'd say, um, I'd say ..... he'd shit himself?

(immediate gun report)

CLIVE:

No! I'm sorry, love! He said he'd shoot himself .....

DEREK:

Urrrr, ff- .....

CLIVE:

..... but, never mind, .....

DEREK:

But, loo-

CLIVE:

..... it's only a game, .....

DEREK:

No-

CLIVE:

..... and you've got some lovely prizes .....

DEREK:

Excuse me! He's shit himself!

CLIVE:

Yes, but .....

DEREK:

Look!

CLIVE:

..... he-, he-, he shat himself after he shot himself.

DEREK:

No, I-, no, no, he'd always shit himself before .....

CLIVE:

I definitely s-, I definitely saw .....

DEREK:

..... he'd shoot himself.

CLIVE:

..... he shot himself .....

DEREK:

No, he definitely-, no.

CLIVE:

..... before he shat himself. He shat himself immediately after .....

DEREK:

No, please, I know my husband.

CLIVE:

..... he shot himself.

DEREK:

I know my husband.

CLIVE:

I'm sorry, that's all the time for this week and, as I say, .....

DEREK:

Look-

CLIVE:

..... all of you out there .....

DEREK:

Wh-

CLIVE:

..... have a good time, be nice to each other, .....

DEREK:

What is-

CLIVE:

..... and see you again next Sunday. SHUT UP MONA!

(sound of canned audience applause and piano)

DEREK:

What-, what is that if that's not his shit! I mean, I know his-, look, it's fresh shit!

CLIVE:

He shot himself before he shat himself. Mona, love, it's only a game.