banner - Derek and Clive

Derek & Clive -
"Mona"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
(as gameshow host:) All right, love, you can, um, come out of the cubicle now, erm, .....
DEREK:
(as Mona:) Hm-m-m-mm.
CLIVE:
That's right, Mona.
DEREK:
Oh-ho-o-oh.
CLIVE:
Now, Mona, you're doing very well. Your husband got three out of three, that's one hundred percent, that's fifteen hundred pounds on the board.
DEREK:
Ohh-hohh. Shi-, f-fu-
CLIVE:
Now, let's see if you can get the three thousand pound jackpot.
DEREK:
Mmff-ss.
CLIVE:
Y-, you're not nervous, are you?
DEREK:
No, it's just my breath, that is m-, h-, I-, I'm getting a bit .....
CLIVE:
WELL, IT'S ONLY A GAME! Don't-, don't-, don't worry, Mona.
DEREK:
..... breathless.
CLIVE:
Now, Mona, Mona, Mona, if your mother-in-law came to stay unexpectedly, would your husband: one - pelt her with Rice Crispies; .....
DEREK:
Ohh.
CLIVE:
..... two - beat her to death with a Goblin's teasmaid; .....
DEREK:
Ohh-hh!
CLIVE:
..... or, three - drop a basket full of vipers on her head?
DEREK:
Ohh.
CLIVE:
Now, that's the Rice Crispies, .....
DEREK:
The Rice Crispies, y-hhhh .....
CLIVE:
..... the-, the teasmaid or possibly the vipers.
DEREK:
..... possibly the vipers. Oh, well, I'd-, I'd-, I'd-, .....
CLIVE:
Which one? Which one would he do?
DEREK:
Hmm, I'd have-, I'd have to say, erm, he'd drop vipers.
CLIVE:
HE'D DROP THE VIPERS!! YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, MONA!!
DEREK:
Ohh-hh-hh!!!

(sound of canned audience applause)
CLIVE:
Yes, he'd let the vipers loose!
DEREK:
Oh!
CLIVE:
Mona, that's only two to go for that magic three thousand pounds.
DEREK:
Ohh.
CLIVE:
Now, Mona, ah, picture to yourself, you're on the Costa Brava - that's in Spain - it's very hot, the sun's beating down, you know, you're a bit hot and you've forgotton your sun cream.
DEREK:
Yesss.
CLIVE:
Now, would Len .....
DEREK:
Oh, but I'd never forget my sun cream.
CLIVE:
No, but just for the game assume you have. Now, would Len ask you to: stand with your legs apart .....
DEREK:
Ohhh-hh-hh-oh!!!
CLIVE:
..... so he could lie in the shadow of your skirt; .....
DEREK:
Mmmmmm.
CLIVE:
..... or, two - tie half a coconut over his nose; .....
DEREK:
Tch! F-
CLIVE:
..... or, three - take off his trousers .....
DEREK:
Oh!
CLIVE:
..... and put them over his head?
DEREK:
Ohh.
CLIVE:
Now, which one is it? The coconut over the nose, .....
DEREK:
Coconut over the nose .....
CLIVE:
..... lie under your skirt, .....
DEREK:
Under skirt .....
CLIVE:
..... or take his trousers off .....
DEREK:
Trousers .....
CLIVE:
..... and put them over his head?
DEREK:
I'd have to say ..... I'd have to say the coconut.
CLIVE:
Definitely the coconut! .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... You're quite right, .....

(sound of canned audience applause)

..... that's exactly what Len said. He'd put the coconut over his nose .....
DEREK:
Oh!
CLIVE:
..... and why shouldn't he? It's a free country. Now, Mona, huh, I-, I desperately hope we're going to get the jackpot this week, the three thousand .....
DEREK:
Oh.
CLIVE:
..... beautiful, lovely pounds. Are you nervous, Mona?
DEREK:
Well, I-, just a bit breathless.
CLIVE:
Just a little, just a little! Don't worry, love, it's only a game. Now, Mona, for three thousand pounds, if you were to get the answer to this one wrong .....
DEREK:
Ohhh.
CLIVE:
..... would your husband, Len: smash you in the teeth with a croquet mallet; .....
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
..... shit himself; .....
DEREK:
Ohh.
CLIVE:
..... or, shoot himself?
DEREK:
(sucks in)
CLIVE:
That's smash you with the croquet mallet, .....
DEREK:
Smash the mallet .....
CLIVE:
..... shit himself, .....
DEREK:
Shit himself or .....
CLIVE:
..... or shoot himself?
DEREK:
..... shoot himself. Uhhhh! Ohh! Errmmm .....
CLIVE:
Come on, love.
DEREK:
Ohh, I d-, oh, I've got to make a choice.
CLIVE:
I'm going to have to ask you to make a choice.
DEREK:
I'd say, um, I'd say ..... he'd shit himself?

(immediate gun report)
CLIVE:
No! I'm sorry, love! He said he'd shoot himself .....
DEREK:
Urrrr, ff- .....
CLIVE:
..... but, never mind, .....
DEREK:
But, loo-
CLIVE:
..... it's only a game, .....
DEREK:
No-
CLIVE:
..... and you've got some lovely prizes .....
DEREK:
Excuse me! He's shit himself!
CLIVE:
Yes, but .....
DEREK:
Look!
CLIVE:
..... he-, he-, he shat himself after he shot himself.
DEREK:
No, I-, no, no, he'd always shit himself before .....
CLIVE:
I definitely s-, I definitely saw .....
DEREK:
..... he'd shoot himself.
CLIVE:
..... he shot himself .....
DEREK:
No, he definitely-, no.
CLIVE:
..... before he shat himself. He shat himself immediately after .....
DEREK:
No, please, I know my husband.
CLIVE:
..... he shot himself.
DEREK:
I know my husband.
CLIVE:
I'm sorry, that's all the time for this week and, as I say, .....
DEREK:
Look-
CLIVE:
..... all of you out there .....
DEREK:
Wh-
CLIVE:
..... have a good time, be nice to each other, .....
DEREK:
What is-
CLIVE:
..... and see you again next Sunday. SHUT UP MONA!

(sound of canned audience applause and piano)
DEREK:
What-, what is that if that's not his shit! I mean, I know his-, look, it's fresh shit!
CLIVE:
He shot himself before he shat himself. Mona, love, it's only a game.