Derek & Clive -
"The Critics"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:

What-, what-, what-, what-, what-, what-, what-, what-, what one has to wonder, i-i-i-is why, artists th-he calibre of Cook and Moore .....

DEREK:

Yes.

CLIVE:

..... should resort to material which, er, basically could be done by, erm, er, .....

DEREK:

By me?

CLIVE:

By you!

DEREK:

Yes.

CLIVE:

Yes, and I-, I mean, I don't know if you saw the play the other night on television, "No Man's Land", by Harold Pinter,

DEREK:

Yes, yes I did, yes, yes.

CLIVE:

Now Pinter uses these words, these-, I-, I suppose to the general public, shocking words, .....

DEREK:

Yes, yes, of course.

CLIVE:

..... but he uses them to effect.

DEREK:

To, yes, to punctuate his, his, his, his, his .....

CLIVE:

He punctuates his dialogue.

DEREK:

..... his drama, yes, yes.

CLIVE:

And when he uses the word "arsehole" .....

DEREK:

God!

CLIVE:

..... it means something.

DEREK:

Exactly.

CLIVE:

And, er, "prick" .....

DEREK:

Yes.

CLIVE:

..... and "cunt"

DEREK:

Yes.

CLIVE:

Take on this sort of, erm, er-r .....

DEREK:

Well, metaphysical sort of, er-r-r .....

CLIVE:

..... metaphysical punctuation which I-, I find absolutely delightful.

DEREK:

Become almost sounds.

CLIVE:

Especially with, er, Geilgud and, erm, Richardson, who is so .....

DEREK:

Of course, erm.

CLIVE:

..... so absolutely terrific. But, um, .....

DEREK:

Mmm, yes, I mean, "arsehole" i-i-in-in Richarson's mouth is-, it comes out as, er, erm, .....

CLIVE:

Er, pure gold.

DEREK:

Pure gold.

CLIVE:

But, erm, when Cook and Moore, I mean, ah, it's not the same. I mean, ..... "prick" in the hands of Pinter is-, is, erm, as you say, a punctuation point, er, er-r-r, .....

DEREK:

Yes, an epithet.

CLIVE:

..... a marvellous moment .....

DEREK:

Yes.

CLIVE:

..... the end of an extremely witty line.

DEREK:

Yes.

CLIVE:

Whereas, er-r-r, a "prick" or a "cunt" in the hands of Cook and Moore, it's just a gratuitous "prick" or "cunt".

DEREK:

One feels it's being abused in some way.

CLIVE:

It-, it is being abused, .....

DEREK:

It's-, it's being, I-, I-, er, .....

CLIVE:

..... and I myself, I-, I cannot see why, in the civilised world, it is necessary for people with a certain amount of, um, understanding .....

DEREK:

Yes.

CLIVE:

..... having been to university, to use the word "prick" or "fuck" or .....

DEREK:

"Cunt"

CLIVE:

..... "cunt". I mean, I-, I never have the slightest urge .....

DEREK:

Why-, why'd you not accept .....

CLIVE:

..... to use the word "fuck", do you?

DEREK:

I mean, why'd I-, no.

CLIVE:

Do you ever say "fuck"?

DEREK:

I never say "fuck".

CLIVE:

No, .....

DEREK:

'ere, I mean I would rather say .....

CLIVE:

..... I mean, why the fuck should I say "fuck"?

DEREK:

Exactly.

CLIVE:

I-, I've got no reason for saying "fuck".

DEREK:

I'd rather say "carpet" than "fuck".

CLIVE:

No fucking reason to say "fuck".

DEREK:

Exactly. Who the fuck cares about "fuck"?

CLIVE:

It's absolutely fucking stupid to say "fuck". I mean, w- .....

DEREK:

Exactly. I mean .....

CLIVE:

..... what could be more stupid, than going around, the whole time saying "fuck" and "cunt" and "prick" and "arsehole" .....

DEREK:

(struggling to interrupt) Exactly. It's just .....

CLIVE:

..... "tit" and "bum", "shit", it's just stupid.

DEREK:

Exactly. I mean, i-i- .....

CLIVE:

I mean, I'm not going to go: "FUCKING 'ELL!! Shit! Tit! Bum! Arsehole!", because I don't need to.

DEREK:

(laughing) Of course you're not going to. It's .....

CLIVE:

What is the point?

DEREK:

Exactly! What is the point?

CLIVE:

What is the point of saying: "Fuck! Shit! Tit! Bum! Arsehole!"

DEREK:

"Cunt! Arsehole! Shit! Tit-lickers!"

CLIVE:

"Cunt! Arsehole! Tit! Tit! Tit!"

DEREK:

"Bum! Tit! Bra!"

CLIVE:

"Cut your tits off! Fuck! Tit! Bum! Shit!" No!

DEREK:

"Fuck! Cunt! Oh shit! Arsehole! Cunt! Fuck! Oh clitoris! Oh shit! Bum! Arse! Cunt! Tit! Fat arse! Cunt! Tit-lick-hole!"

CLIVE:

There is absolutely no point in saying: "Fuck! Tit! Shit! Bum! Arsehole!"

DEREK:

"Oh fucking arsehole! Shit! Bum! Tit! Penis! Arsehole! Fuck! Oh Cunt! Shit! Oh Fuck! Shit!"

CLIVE:

"CUNT! PRICK! FUCK! COCK! PENIS! CUNT! SHIT! FUCK! PRICK! CUNT! ARSEHOLE! TIT! BUMHOLE! SHIT! ARSEHOLE! BUM! TIT! BUMHOLE! CUNT! SHIT!"

DEREK:

Who the fuck wants to say: "Shit! Fuck! Cunt! D'ya fuck! Shit! Sick! Fuck-hole! Shit! Vomit! Cunt! Fuck! Arsesole! Fuck! Cunt! Oh, jam-rag, toe-rag, .....

CLIVE:

There is absolutely .....

DEREK:

..... fuck-arse, the old fart, snot, bum!"

CLIVE:

..... no point whatsoever.

DEREK:

"Oh, earwax, cunt, fart, arseholes, dandruff!"

CLIVE:

There is no-, no, .....

DEREK:

"Oh, ear-smegma, shit, arse, fuck, bogies!"

CLIVE:

..... there is no point whatsoever in using these .....

DEREK:

"Oh, buggers-up, tit, arsehole, cunt, fuck, filling!"

CLIVE:

..... stupid words for shock effect.

DEREK:

"Oh, cavity, arsehole, bum, orifice, cunt, shove it up your arse, bum, cunt, arse, sick!"

CLIVE:

And there I'm afraid we have to leave, um, .....

DEREK:

Who the fuck wants to say: "Shit! Arse! Cunt! Tear your tits off, oh, put them in the mangle, .....

CLIVE:

..... Critics Forum.

DEREK:

..... stuff your bollocks up your arse!"

CLIVE:

I'll be here together with Sir George Makepeace .....

DEREK:

Oh, who wants to say: "Glad-mushrooms, I like that, urethra catheterised up your enema asks-, says, 'how far passed the arsehole?'"

CLIVE:

Sir-, Sir George Makepeace and I will be here again for .....

DEREK:

"Oh, tit, brum-, brear-, bra, brew-jug, fuck, cunt, tit!"

CLIVE:

..... Critics Choice .....

DEREK:

"Oh, shit-a-dee-bum-soo!"

CLIVE:

..... at the same time next Sunday .....

DEREK:

"Oh, fuck-a-dee-arse-an-ah-ma-fadoo!"

CLIVE:

..... at six o'clock.

DEREK:

"Oh, put your foreskin over your head, fart up your bum, who pulls a cunt!"

CLIVE:

I mean, when I want to say, "Fuck!", I don't want to say, "Radiator!"

DEREK:

I don't want to say all of that!

CLIVE:

I don't want to say, "Radiator!"

DEREK:

Why'd I want to say all of the things that I've just said?

CLIVE:

Do you want to say, "Radiator!"?

DEREK:

No, I fucking DON'T!! I DO NOT WANT TO SAY ALL OF THE THINGS THAT I HAVE JUST FUCKING SAID.