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Derek & Clive -
"Intergalactic Sex"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
I'll tell you, YOU'RE an endangered species.
DEREK:
Am I?
CLIVE:
Yes, 'cause .....
DEREK:
Who from, cunt?
CLIVE:
F-, from .....
DEREK:
You? You cunt!
CLIVE:
..... the whole world, the whole world, 'cause there was a conference held recently where representations were made on behalf of all the countries in the world, and the motion put forward was that you, Derek, should be wiped out completely. Not humanely, but torn limb from fucking limb, tooth by tooth, and the last thing to be left was to be your nose, and on your nose they were going to put a whole load of kerosene and set fire to it. And they were going to televise that by satellite so at least everyone in the world could have a good fucking laugh for change. That's the only thing the world is united on, is the thought of seeing you burned to fucking death and extinct. That is what would amuse the world and take their mind of s-, you know, everyday problems.
DEREK:
If that would bring the world together, mate, I'm quite willing to sacrifice myself.
CLIVE:
Well, why don't you do it now?
DEREK:
If that's going to bring world peace.
CLIVE:
It won't bring world peace, it'll just bring one laugh. That's all you're worth, one fucking laugh!
DEREK:
When you're laughing .....
CLIVE:
The whole world .....
DEREK:
..... the whole world laughs with you.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
There you are.
CLIVE:
But when you're burned to ashes what the fuck do you do then?
DEREK:
Fu-
CLIVE:
Unless you, like, put your gob .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... around my knob .....
DEREK:
(continues laughing)
CLIVE:
..... in which case .....
DEREK:
Yeah, I wouldn't take that lying down.
CLIVE:
No, nor would I.
DEREK:
I'd take that kneeling down, wouldn't you?
CLIVE:
I'd take that-,
DEREK:
Yeah, I'd take .....
CLIVE:
I'd take that crucified.
DEREK:
Oeugh! Oeughhff! I've just discovered my ear 'ole. Oeu-WUGH-WUGH-WUGH-WUGH-WUGH!!!
CLIVE:
I imagine that, er, you're very interested in, er, intergalactic sex, aren't you?

(long pause)

Fucking people from outer space?
DEREK:
Yeah, I'm interested in that, yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, have you ever gone into it in detail?
DEREK:
No, I-, I was, er, you know, I was walking along the road and, er, it was May the 29th .....
CLIVE:
Mmmm.
DEREK:
..... 1958, I think it was, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, I remember that day, .....
DEREK:
..... and my knob fell off.
CLIVE:
..... yeah.
DEREK:
I-, you know, it s-, just fell into the-, rolled down in the gutter .....
CLIVE:
You could-, well, if .....
DEREK:
..... and went in the drain.
CLIVE:
Well, if you-, if you haven't got a knob .....
DEREK:
Well .....
CLIVE:
..... you could have gone in for 'Star Vaginas'.
DEREK:
Ye-oh, right.
CLIVE:
That's, er, that's a game where they, er, have these, er, great poles made out of cement and the vagina which can take the biggest pole wins a thousand pounds.