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Derek & Clive -
"Rape, Death And Paralysis"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
Oh dear.
DEREK:
Oh dear, oh dear.
CLIVE:
It's a bad world, i'n'it, 'cause, er, .....
DEREK:
Ohh yeah.
CLIVE:
D'you know, last night a friend of mine, quite a close friend of mine, not a-, not as close as you-, as you, of course, .....
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
..... but very close to you, got run over by a- ..... by a man and, I thought, "Well, what is life about if somebody can't go walking round the street and, you know, dance in the nude on his head, what's the point?"
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
And he got run down by a man .....
DEREK:
Tch. Ehh .....
CLIVE:
(lights a cigarette) ..... and do you know what the police said?
DEREK:
What? (clears throat)
CLIVE:
I rang the police, I dialed, you know, 9 9 9 .....
DEREK:
Yeah, that's right, that's the police.
CLIVE:
..... and they gave me the time and I said, "Look, a mate of mine has just been run down." And they said, er, they said, er, "Could you hold on a minute?" I said, "No, I can't hold on a minute 'CAUSE A MATE OF MINE HAS BEEN RUN DOWN!" And they said, "Fuck! Do you know what it's like here at the police station?" And I said, "No, I don't know what it's like." And they said, "Come down." So I came down there; 's shocking!
DEREK:
What, what, what?
CLIVE:
The people there, a lot of them without any morals, .....
DEREK:
Wha-
CLIVE:
..... without any scruples.
DEREK:
No-o.
CLIVE:
People there who-, who've been raping people. Now, look, I've raped people but always in good faith.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Ye-, I never raped anybody for fun. When I've raped somebody it's because, you know-, you know, I felt my knob throbbing and it was necessary to poke it into something and if I mistook a woman for a manhole, that was not my fault.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
But I-, I saw these rapists down there .....
DEREK:
(clears throat)
CLIVE:
..... and-, and they-, they made me quite ill.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
You know what I said to them?
DEREK:
Wh-, what?
CLIVE:
I said-, I said, "Hello."
DEREK:
(sucks in) Ahhhh, yeah.
CLIVE:
That caught 'em out, didn't it?
DEREK:
Yeah, right! Heh heh, yeah, yeah, .....
CLIVE:
(laughing) Tha-a-t caught e'm out! I-I-I-I'll say that caught 'em out! He-heh-hehhhh!
DEREK:
..... eh, what about your mate, though? Did you tell them where your mate was lying, and that, the one who got run down?
CLIVE:
No, I never told them that 'cause I thought that might- .....
DEREK:
Heh heh!
CLIVE:
..... n-, I thought that might incriminate me, you know. (laughs)
DEREK:
Huhh, yeah.
CLIVE:
I didn't want to do that, did I?
DEREK:
(clears throat)
CLIVE:
There are many wonderful things in this world and one of those things is death and paralysis. If you can get both simultaneous, you're v-, you're very very lucky 'cause often you get paralysed first and you get death later. Other people get death first and paralysis later and they're very unlucky because if the two come simultaneous you should be so lucky. That's why I ask you all to give all your subscriptions you can to the 'Death And Paralysis Cause', 19 19 19 Street, London WS-, er, 1.