Derek & Clive -
"Lady Vera Fart Teller"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

DEREK:

(clears throat)

CLIVE:

Well, do you know that, er, Lady Vera?

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Down, er, G-, Clitheroe Avenue, she, er, she reads people's farts.

DEREK:

Yeah, what, she lights them and then, er, .....

CLIVE:

No, she doesn't light them, you just go in there and bend down .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Oh, you give her, er, 50p, you know, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... for a full reading.

DEREK:

What, you have to pee as well as fart?

CLIVE:

No, you just give her 50p, .....

DEREK:

Oh, I th-

CLIVE:

..... you don't have to pee, no.

DEREK:

I thought, eh, you had to f-, pee fifty times, or ..... ?

CLIVE:

No, no, no. You give her 50p and then she tells your fortune from your fart.

DEREK:

Yeah?

CLIVE:

And, er, I went in there ab-, last Tuesday .....

DEREK:

Did you have a strong fart line?

CLIVE:

Yeah, enormous. Er, I went out about four days ago to Madame Vera 'cause, you know, I'm interested in what the future holds, and, er, she said, "Take your trousers off", which I did, naturally, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, well, that's fair enough, .....

CLIVE:

..... you know, too-, took 'em off.

DEREK:

..... that's fair enough.

CLIVE:

And she said, "Bend over, lower your knickers and, er, give us a big one", you know, 'cause she doesn't-, she-, she can't stand it if you just give her a little (blows quick raspberry) like that, you know.

DEREK:

Yeah, well, she tells you to save up, doesn't she, for a few days?

CLIVE:

Yeah, she puts you on a course of, er, highly, er, .....

DEREK:

Bananas. (laughs)

CLIVE:

..... sulphurous food. Bananas and that, yeah.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Seafish, seafood and that kind of stuff.

DEREK:

Then in the morning you don't-, you have to take about three pound of French figs.

CLIVE:

That's it!

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

French figs.

DEREK:

(clears throat)

CLIVE:

And I farted, you know, and, er, she's-, she was well pleased with it, she said, "That was quite a good fart", and she-, she read it and she said, er, "Er, you will, er," she said, "you will pass water."

DEREK:

Oh.

CLIVE:

And, er, she was quite right you know, I w-, dying for a slash, and so I .....

DEREK:

Well, I went down there .....

CLIVE:

..... went out, had a pee and, .....

DEREK:

I-

CLIVE:

..... you know, she-, she read all that.

DEREK:

I went down there and, er, you know, I .....

CLIVE:

She read your future from your farts?

DEREK:

Yeah! She said .....

CLIVE:

What did she see in your future?

DEREK:

Well, I-, you know, I had-, er, I done, you know, the usual thing. I'd had about, oh, I don't know, I had two-, about three or four dozen eggs over the last three days .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... so I was well primed. Then on the morning of the, er, actual, you know, .....

CLIVE:

Appointment.

DEREK:

..... appointment .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... I-, I had, er, four pounds of figs .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... and-, (laughs) and, er, six cans .....

CLIVE:

Chutney?

DEREK:

Six cans of beans.

CLIVE:

Chutney?

DEREK:

No, no, no chutney, no.

CLIVE:

Oh, she usually likes chutney, you surprise me.

DEREK:

So, er, I went down there, she said, "All right then, er, er, Derek, er, take your, you know, the usual down and, er, just give me one."

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

So I, er, I gave her one. And, er, you know, almost immediately she said, er, "In three seconds you're going to shit this fucking room to pieces." And she was quite right!

CLIVE:

You filled the room, did you?

DEREK:

I filled the room up.

CLIVE:

It's uncanny that, 'int that, that power of prediction? That-

DEREK:

I-, fucking hell, mate, talk about E.S.P. .....

CLIVE:

Not just E.S.P., E.S. fucking farts, mate!