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Derek & Clive -
"Sex Manual"

[ from the album "Ad Nauseam" (1978) ]

CLIVE:
If we settled down to do a book, you know, properly researched .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... about how to .....
DEREK:
Fuck a girl, and that.
CLIVE:
No, you can't say, "How To Fuck-", well, you just said it but, I mean, it's 'How To Make Love To A Woman' is what we're talking about.
DEREK:
Well, it could be, or 'How To F-', .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, or b-, Ye-, I take your p-, "How To Fuck A Girl".
DEREK:
..... yeah, "Fuck A Girl".
CLIVE:
"Fuck A Girl", yeah. 'How to get your fucking knob up some cunt'.
DEREK:
Right, right.
CLIVE:
'How to pull the fuckers'.
DEREK:
Right, O.K., so you ought to-, you ought to start off with a chapter on how to pull the birds and then how to get your fingers in their drawers.
CLIVE:
Well, do we start-, do we start with how to pull the birds or how to avoid the clap?
DEREK:
Well, you've got to pull them before you avoid it.
CLIVE:
Yeah, right, .....
DEREK:
Don't you? Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... that's the way, that's the way to-
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Do you mind if I take notes?
DEREK:
No, I think it'd be good, you know, if you take a few notes.
CLIVE:
I-, I'd also like to masturbate during the conversation 'cause .....
DEREK:
Well, yeah, right, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... when I'm talking about sex I get .....
DEREK:
Get the right .....
CLIVE:
..... a fucking hard-on, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, me too, I get a bit of a stalk.
CLIVE:
Fucking raunchy. You feel like putting your fingers round your knob and getting the whole thing moving, you know.
DEREK:
I like m- (laughs)
CLIVE:
No, carry on, Derek.

(pause)

Now, first things first, .....
DEREK:
Oh, hold on, you're getting me going now. Fuc- (sound of rummaging followed by laughing)
CLIVE:
I don't know why you carry toffees in your pockets.
DEREK:
No, I've got all this gum round my knob.
CLIVE:
Oh, I see. No, no, let's-, let's-, let's delve into the subject briefly.
DEREK:
(rummaging and moaning) Ohh fuck.
CLIVE:
L-, let-, let's say, for example, .....
DEREK:
Hold on. Ohhhh fuck!
CLIVE:
Let's say, for example, .....
DEREK:
Ohh!!
CLIVE:
..... you've met this .....
DEREK:
Urghh!! (laughs) Urraagh!!
CLIVE:
You've met-, you've-
DEREK:
HOLD ON!!
CLIVE:
No, no, .....
DEREK:
AARGH!!
CLIVE:
..... WE'RE TRYING TO DO RESEARCH HERE!
DEREK:
Nnng-ah! AAAARRRGGGHH!!!
CLIVE:
You're never going to get women .....
DEREK:
GGHH-EHH!!
CLIVE:
..... just sitting in a bar .....
DEREK:
GGRRRGGHHH!!
CLIVE:
..... wanking.
DEREK:
BRRRGGHH! Ohh, fucking hell!
CLIVE:
Now can we have a sens- .....
DEREK:
No, I don't want a-, ahh, .....
CLIVE:
Can we have a sensible discussion? You're in this bar, you see, and there's this bird you fancy .....
DEREK:
Right, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and .....
DEREK:
Ohh, I'm exhausted.
CLIVE:
..... the best thing you can do to appeal to her is .....
DEREK:
Is get your knob out, put it in her hand and cry.
CLIVE:
That's one method. That's mainly used by Jesuits.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
But a sophisticated man of the Western world understands that a woman is a sensitive little fucker and, er, .....
DEREK:
(clears throat)
CLIVE:
..... so have to, you know, come on with a bit of chat like, erm, .....
DEREK:
"Do you fuck?"
CLIVE:
One approach. S-
DEREK:
"Do you suck cock?"
CLIVE:
Another approach.
DEREK:
And approach 'C'?
CLIVE:
Approach 'C' is, like, saying, "Oh! Don't tell me! You're .....
DEREK:
A cock-sucker.
CLIVE:
..... a Virgo."
DEREK:
Oh, right, right.
CLIVE:
Star sign.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
That's always good.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
'cause if you get it right they're very impressed .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... and if-, if you get it wrong they don't give a shit, you know, .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... 'cause, basically, women are there to grab hold of your knob, aren't they?
DEREK:
That's right, yeah.
CLIVE:
There you are, .....
DEREK:
In the-, in the-, in the .....
CLIVE:
..... knob in hand, .....
DEREK:
Right, crying.
CLIVE:
..... crying, how do you a-, arouse the woman?
DEREK:
Well, right, you- .....
CLIVE:
I mean, I don't mean wake her up.
DEREK:
No, no, no, no, well, .....
CLIVE:
I mean arouse her.
DEREK:
..... being in the pub you're laughing. You get a beer bottle, shove it straight up her fucking cunt .....
CLIVE:
Now, there's been, er, a great deal of, um, er, controversy surrounding clits.
DEREK:
Yeah, where is the clit? I think this has to be pointed out to the- .....
CLIVE:
Well, I think-
DEREK:
..... the ordinary man, it is .....
CLIVE:
The ordinary man in the street does not know where the fucking clit is.
DEREK:
It is under the left arm.
CLIVE:
This is what I thought, this is what the experts have all diagnosed, .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... but a lot of foolish i-, not foolish - people who've been deprived of education - .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... think the clit is stuck somewhere up the vag.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Right.
DEREK:
This is .....
CLIVE:
They could not be further from the truth, .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... they could not be further from the clit!
DEREK:
Right. And .....
CLIVE:
The clit is under the left arm .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... unless the woman is right-handed.
DEREK:
In which case it's under her .....
CLIVE:
Right arm.
DEREK:
..... right arm, yeah. Er, and .....
CLIVE:
If she's one-armed?
DEREK:
If she's one-armed then, er, .....
CLIVE:
It's under whichever arm she has.
DEREK:
She has. If she's got no arms at all?
CLIVE:
It's under her legs .....
DEREK:
Exactly.
CLIVE:
..... stuck up her vag. She's a cripple.
DEREK:
Right. Anybody who has a clit up the vag is severely deformed, I think people have to realise that.
CLIVE:
But, yeah, another distinction comes in, and that it how to differentiate between a clit and pile.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Now the pile is-, is usually associated with the, erm, the armpit, is it not?
DEREK:
Yes, right.
CLIVE:
You get this protuberance which is highly excitable and bleeds easy, especially if you shit from the armpits.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Which I think is a mistake.
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
I think you should use your arsehole for shitting, your armpits for scratching.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
But this is a free country, we're not all devout Muslims, and, er, therefore, never shake a right-handed woman with your nose.
DEREK:
Right, right.
CLIVE:
So, they're about to-, well, let's assume this is a sophisticated setting, they've got a bed.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
They're about to go to bed. Now what should the man-, erm, what should the man do in-, in the way of, er, a- .....
DEREK:
Arousal.
CLIVE:
..... arous-, arousal, er, .....
DEREK:
Err .....
CLIVE:
..... to-, to-, to get the woman .....
DEREK:
Well, .....
CLIVE:
..... into a thoroughly lubricated state so he doesn't have to scrape his fucking cock off on some granite cliff up there.
DEREK:
Right. Well, of course, .....
CLIVE:
S-
DEREK:
..... the sophisticated man .....
CLIVE:
Spits up her cunt. Now, you're i-, you're in this position where you've just had the daughter, right?
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Now, does the sophisticate go on to fuck the mother, or does he call it day, or- ..... what does he do? This is what I think we want to know.
DEREK:
Yeah. No, I think he tries to go through the whole family.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Like, mother, father, sister, baby, dog, budgie, .....
CLIVE:
Budgie in particular. Now, a lot of people have hang-ups about fucking birds .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
..... but! .....
CLIVE:
..... what have the fucking birds done for us?
DEREK:
Fuck all.
CLIVE:
Nothing.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
There should be no- .....
DEREK:
Might as well fuck 'em.
CLIVE:
There should be no guilt associated .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... with giving a budgie a bit of seed and then fucking it.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
In fact .....
DEREK:
Giving it the seed while fucking it.
CLIVE:
Don't-, don't give it seed, just fuck the budgie!
DEREK:
Right, just fuck it.
CLIVE:
Now - as a scientist - goldfish.
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
As a scientist, how do goldfish rate on the, erm, .....
DEREK:
On the fucking scale?
CLIVE:
..... on the fucking scale.
DEREK:
Well, they're-, you've got to get a pretty big one to get him round the end of your knob.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
You know, 'cause their cunts are like fucking pinheads.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And, er, the trouble is you-, you know, you generally squash 'em when you start fucking a goldfish. Err, but the family dog, the budgie, they're all good, er, grist to the-, to the mill. Er, I think another thing that has to be cleared up is the precautions you have to take before you, er, you fuck a b-, woman, because there's a great danger ..... (laughs)
CLIVE:
Th-
DEREK:
There's a great danger .....
CLIVE:
That you'll get pregnant.
DEREK:
No. Well, that .....
CLIVE:
(lights cigarette)
DEREK:
..... we'll come to that later. No, there's a great danger you'll have your knob chopped off by all the teeth they've got up their cunt.
CLIVE:
Well, I heard this, er, in-, in-, in-, in the Greek myths again, there was the-, er, the goddess Arethusa, wasn't there?
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Who had these fucking false teeth up her cunt .....
DEREK:
Well, she'd lost hers so she had to put false ones in.
CLIVE:
She was a-, she was a siren, wasn't she?
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
Or an alarm system of some kind.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And she used to lure sailors off their boats and they'd disappear right up her cunt and get stuck there .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and gnashed to death with false teeth. But! What does a man do confronted by these dentures in the cunt? Does he wear some sort of protective, er, device?
DEREK:
Yeah, he certainly d-
CLIVE:
Like-, like-, I-I think-, .....
DEREK:
Well, f-
CLIVE:
..... I think, no, I-, I think .....
DEREK:
The thing that .....
CLIVE:
..... the av-, the average man, Derek, Der-, hold with me. The average man is best off putting a boxing glove over his, er, .....
DEREK:
Well, I go fur- .....
CLIVE:
..... his knob.
DEREK:
I go further than that, Clive, I think he should put a fire extinguisher over the end of his knob, then bung it up, and he's laughing.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
'cause .....
CLIVE:
Because what you lose in-, in, er, sensua-, -uality .....
DEREK:
In sensitivity.
CLIVE:
..... in sensitivity .....
DEREK:
You gain in .....
CLIVE:
..... you gain in protection.