Derek & Clive -
"Coughin' Contest"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:

We are now attending the .....

DEREK:

(giggles)

CLIVE:

..... the World Championship Coughing match in, in, in Zurich, between the defending Champion Derek, um, can't mention his second name 'cause he's a subject of litigation at the moment, and Clive thingamebob who's similarly ..... on a charge of fucking a fireplace. But, ah .....

DEREK:

(laughs)

CLIVE:

The flag is about to go up, and the flag is about to come down and the gun goes off .....

DEREK:

(blows short raspberry)

CLIVE:

And the World Coughing Championship takes place, the favourite, Derek, to lead off with a cough. And tension mounts, as indeed does Derek .....

DEREK:

(begins a loud hacking cough)

CLIVE:

We ..... and that's ..... this is the first cough. It's a very, very, very good cough but not up, not up to his championship .....

DEREK:

(redoubles his coughing effort)

CLIVE:

But no! He's continuing more than he's ever .....

DEREK:

(finishes coughing)

CLIVE:

..... he's awarded, let's see, um, eight-three, eight-three, eight-five and eight-seven for a very good score for a first cough. And now Clive is-, is ready for the big cough .....

DEREK:

(clears his throat)

CLIVE:

And Derek coughs off-stage so it's instant disqualification for Derek as Clive begins the slow wind-up to the big cough. And - he's ready to cough. Takes one last drag of the cigarette .....

DEREK:

(belches) Ohhh .....

CLIVE:

Shouts his traditional cry of ..... CANCER!!! He begins to cough .....

(begins forcing a long, excrutiatingly breathless rasping cough, occasionally gagging; other coughing can be heard in the background)

DEREK:

The audience is joining in now, leading him on to greater heights.

CLIVE:

(continues rasping and gagging)

DEREK:

This is an enormous cough! The audience is joining in - they're on their feet, coughing their hearts out.

CLIVE:

(chokes every last pocket of air from his lungs)

DEREK:

(adds a farting sound)

CLIVE:

A gallant show, and the judges flags go up. And the marks come up, and it's a superb nine-five, nine-four, nine-five, nine-six, for a superlative total for Clive.

DEREK:

You cunt.

CLIVE:

That ends Radio Three broadcasts for this evening. Next there will be a programme on false teeth for the blind, delivered by the deaf, and for those of you who are hard of hearing ..... LISTEN!!!