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Derek & Clive -
"Coughin' Contest"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:
We are now attending the .....
DEREK:
(giggles)
CLIVE:
..... the World Championship Coughing match in, in, in Zurich, between the defending Champion Derek, um, can't mention his second name 'cause he's a subject of litigation at the moment, and Clive thingamebob who's similarly ..... on a charge of fucking a fireplace. But, ah .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
The flag is about to go up, and the flag is about to come down and the gun goes off .....
DEREK:
(blows short raspberry)
CLIVE:
And the World Coughing Championship takes place, the favourite, Derek, to lead off with a cough. And tension mounts, as indeed does Derek .....
DEREK:
(begins a loud hacking cough)
CLIVE:
We ..... and that's ..... this is the first cough. It's a very, very, very good cough but not up, not up to his championship .....
DEREK:
(redoubles his coughing effort)
CLIVE:
But no! He's continuing more than he's ever .....
DEREK:
(finishes coughing)
CLIVE:
..... he's awarded, let's see, um, eight-three, eight-three, eight-five and eight-seven for a very good score for a first cough. And now Clive is-, is ready for the big cough .....
DEREK:
(clears his throat)
CLIVE:
And Derek coughs off-stage so it's instant disqualification for Derek as Clive begins the slow wind-up to the big cough. And - he's ready to cough. Takes one last drag of the cigarette .....
DEREK:
(belches) Ohhh .....
CLIVE:
Shouts his traditional cry of ..... CANCER!!! He begins to cough .....

(begins forcing a long, excrutiatingly breathless rasping cough, occasionally gagging; other coughing can be heard in the background)
DEREK:
The audience is joining in now, leading him on to greater heights.
CLIVE:
(continues rasping and gagging)
DEREK:
This is an enormous cough! The audience is joining in - they're on their feet, coughing their hearts out.
CLIVE:
(chokes every last pocket of air from his lungs)
DEREK:
(adds a farting sound)
CLIVE:
A gallant show, and the judges flags go up. And the marks come up, and it's a superb nine-five, nine-four, nine-five, nine-six, for a superlative total for Clive.
DEREK:
You cunt.
CLIVE:
That ends Radio Three broadcasts for this evening. Next there will be a programme on false teeth for the blind, delivered by the deaf, and for those of you who are hard of hearing ..... LISTEN!!!