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Derek & Clive -
"Non-Stop Dancer / My Mum Song"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:
Er, I met this cunt in, about eight years back and, er, he come up with the name of 'John Stitch'. He come up to me. He said, "I'm John Stitch and I, I do non-stop dancing."
DEREK:
What a cunt.
CLIVE:
The fucker. I said, "You do non-stop dancing?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Why, why have you, why have, why are you not dancing now?"
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
He said he's out of a job. So I said, "All right, Non-Stop Dancer, .....
DEREK:
Cunt.
CLIVE:
..... start dancing." And do you know what he did?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
Started dancing.
DEREK:
What a cunt.
(begins singing)
#My Mum came into my room and sucked my little knob .....
CLIVE:
Did she?
DEREK:
#She put her mouth round the end of it and I ..... done a gob
Out the little hole that's in my prick and cums with piss as well
I had done a lot into the lav and, fuck, it didn't 'alf smell
'Cause I'd had asparagus the night before, I am lucky
I had some radishes as well and farted and, erm ..... right,
Please don't .....
CLIVE:
#I am a Cockney dancer .....
DEREK:
# ..... dancer, I fucked him up .....
CLIVE:
# ..... I like to dance all night
I dance, what,- ehh'ne'hm'err'h
And in my mother's tights
DEREK:
#Oh, ..... (collapses laughing)
CLIVE:
#'Cause you can get away with it
If you are Cockney too
Do this fucking dancing
And shove it up your flue!
(begins mumbling)
DEREK:
#My Mum came into my room and sucked my tiny knob
She put mouth round ..... (laughs)
She put her mouth right round it and then ..... (laughs uncontrollably)
CLIVE:
Fff-uck. Dudley, are you not, is ..... ? Fucking, fucking alcoholic! You're so drunk! You must ha' be on something else, you know.
DEREK:
Oh, hold on, let's get this rhyme right:
#My Mum came into the room and sucked my fucking knob, oh!
She put her mouth right, her mouth right round it and then she done a gob
On the end of it to make it smooth and make it nice and soft
And then she tossed me right off with her, er, Mrs. Mopp
Who came into the ..... (starts laughing)
CLIVE:
Oh yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much indeed, thank you very much indeed, it is awfully good but it's not quite what we're looking for, erm, some of our .....
DEREK:
Very nice! Oh ..... (continues laughing)
CLIVE:
..... some of our older patients might be upset.
DEREK:
#Oh, my Mum came into my room and sucked my fucking knob .....
CLIVE:
Yes! Well, thank you, thank you very, thank you very much indeed .....
DEREK:
#She put her mouth right round it .....
CLIVE:
Shoot him, Kurt!
DEREK:
# ..... and then she done a little gob
CLIVE:
CUT!
DEREK:
#On the end of it and smoothed it round and rubbed it up and down
CLIVE:
Oh God, will nothing give .....
DEREK:
#Until the cum came out the end and then I began to drown
'Cause I cum like a fucking falls you know, I cum like that
I've got a pair of enormous balls and they sat on the mat
When I'm walking down the street, of course, they drag behind me sore
And then, of course, I get followed by every fucking whore .....
CLIVE:
(laughing in the background)
DEREK:
#Who says, "'ere, what we got in front of us, pair of bleedin' balls?
By Christ all-fucking-mighty, they could fill the Albert Halls"
With ee-aye, ee-aye, ..... (drowned out)
CLIVE:
# ..... Ee-aye, ee-aye-oh! Take it and shove it up your arse!
DEREK:
Wait a minute! It's getting interesting!
CLIVE:
#I am a Cockney dancer! Justin de Villeneuve, watch out!
DEREK:
Yeah.
#So I went to the city to show my private parts .....
CLIVE:
'Ere! 'Ere! 'Ere!
DEREK:
#I went into the Festival Hall and they began to fart
When I came onto the stage with my balls dragging right behind
They said, "My Christ, what, there, what is he doing, he must be out of his mind?"
DEREK & CLIVE:
#Oh! My old man's a dustman, he wears a dustman's hat
DEREK:
(continues with farting noise in tune)
CLIVE:
#He's got fucking cancer, now what d'you think of that?!
DEREK:
#Oh, ..... (falls into helpless laughter)
CLIVE:
#My old man's a dustman, he's got cancer too
Silly fucking arsehole, he's got it up the flue
He's got so much of fucking cancer it drives him fucking mad
He says, "I've got fucking cancer", and he's my fucking Dad
Oh, what a fucking boring cunt, he goes on and on all day
He's got this fucking cancer and he's too gone on the way
DEREK:
#Oh, .....
CLIVE:
#Oh, my old man's a dustman, Justin de Villeneuve is my friend .....
DEREK:
# ..... they cut it off at Chelmsford, they cut it off at Crewe
They gave him one up the ..... (laughs)
CLIVE:
# ..... I shoved him one up the arsehole, saying he's my friend.
DEREK:
(laughs uncontrollably)
#He's got cancer of the cock and he's got cancer of the balls
He's got cancer of the nose, mouth, eyes, teeth and he's got the, the ..... prr-oh .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
#Ohhhhhhh ..... he's got .....
CLIVE:
# ..... cancer in his false teeth, got cancer in his wig
He's got cancer in his fucking knob, he thinks it's fucking big
His knob is full of cancer, the thing is falling off
And worst of all, the worst of it, he's got this fucking cough
He goes .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurrrrrgghhhhh .....
DEREK:
(continues laughing uncontrollably)
CLIVE:
..... What a cunt! He keeps waking us up at night, this fucking noise goes on! This fucking cough, his fucking cancer! We can't fucking sleep! I's trying to watch Emmerdale Farm and this fucking cough came on and I couldn't fucking concentrate on a fucking good programme 'cause my old man was dying of this fucking cough .....
DEREK:
Fucking cancer!!
CLIVE:
..... What a .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
..... Fucking cunt!!!
DEREK:
(more laughter)
#He's got cancer of the arsehole, he's got cancer of the bum
CLIVE:
# ..... cancer of the knob .....
DEREK:
#Cancer in his eyeballs, he's got cancer on the gob
He's got cancer in his fingernails and cancer in his palm
Cancer up his bumhole where the ..... (drowned out)
CLIVE:
# ..... half way up his arm!
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
#Oh, he's got fucking cancer, cancer everywhere
He's got cancer of the bumhole, 'cause he's a fucking queer .....
DEREK:
#Oh, .....
CLIVE:
#He takes his fucking knobs up, he shoves 'em up his arse
And everybody knows it! HE'S FUCKING WORKING CLASS!!!
DEREK:
OHHHHHHHH!!!!! .....