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Derek & Clive -
"Joan Crawford"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:
Anyway, I had this work permit to be a, er, you know, window-cleaner cum plumber .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, you know, and I was down this house in Beverly Hills - have you been there?
DEREK:
Oh - no.
CLIVE:
Just close to Beverly Sills, the opera singer.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And, erm, got this window cleaning job. Just went into this big house, you know .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... walked in there .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
This big fucking poof, nigger butler .....
DEREK:
Yeah-heh, right .....
CLIVE:
..... fucking hell, these cunts .....
DEREK:
..... fu-u-cking cu-unt.
CLIVE:
..... fucking cunt, he said, "Come dis way sir," you know how they fucking speak .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... can't even speak fucking English.
DEREK:
Yeah-heh, cunt.
CLIVE:
So I said, "All right, where's the window, cunt?" He said, "You've just walked through it." He was quite right, I had fucking glass all up my fucking body.
DEREK:
Tch.
CLIVE:
Anyway, I said, "Well, I ca-, I can't clean it 'cause I broke it," and he said, "There are other windows in this house."
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
So I was just cleaning the window, I got all the fluids out, you know, giving it all a clean .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and I looked round and, er, I thought, you know, I saw something lying on the bed. I thought, "there's a fucking familiar face."
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And - Joan Crawford.
DEREK:
Cor, fucking hell.
CLIVE:
"JC" as she was known to her friends.
DEREK:
Right, yeah.
CLIVE:
Anyway, I was cleaning the window .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... this fucking wind blew up; tropical storm invaded the, you know, the bedroom .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... and .....
DEREK:
(chuckles)
CLIVE:
..... I was swept away by this huge gust of wind .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... straight up her fucking cunt. I went .....
DEREK:
Oh no.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I went straight through the nylon underwear,
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
Tore through the diaphragm she was wearing,
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And then, there was no exit, one end was rubber, and up the other end .....
DEREK:
Mm-mm.
CLIVE:
..... the biggest fucking disaster area I've ever fucking seen.
DEREK:
Really?
CLIVE:
Ow f-. You've heard of the Bermuda Triangle?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, this was worse.
DEREK:
Tch.
CLIVE:
Up Joan Crawford's cunt there are fucking fleets of ships, light aircraft .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
Hamburger stands?
CLIVE:
Hamburger stands. But no fucking hamburgers .....
DEREK:
Right, no.
CLIVE:
..... just the fucking stands.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
The only single piece of entertainment, there's one disco.
DEREK:
They've got a disco in there?
CLIVE:
They've got a disco in there .....
DEREK:
Ooo, lovely.
CLIVE:
..... in a, in a cruise ship, one of those cruising ships, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And they've got a pool there.
DEREK:
(belches)
CLIVE:
They've got a pool in there, and there's no water up Joan Crawford at all, so they've filled it full of shit.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So .....
DEREK:
Hold it a moment.
CLIVE:
I've c-,
DEREK:
(makes a farting noise)
CLIVE:
No, no.
DEREK:
(chuckles)
CLIVE:
They have this fucking pool full of shit and they go up there have a bathe in the shit and then go down to the disco all covered in turd.
DEREK:
Ohh, really?
CLIVE:
It's a fucking pain!
DEREK:
(laughs loud)
CLIVE:
A-, An-
DEREK:
(continues laughing then abruptly stops and clears throat)
Well, you know I had a terrible experience with Joan 'cause I-, I'm, you know, after you-
CLIVE:
What, Crawfie?
DEREK:
Yeah, Crawfie, 'cause after you-
CLIVE:
The Queen Mother's nanny?
DEREK:
Yeah. And after you'd told me about Joan's cunt .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... you know, 'course I was very curious and I thought, well, I've got to ha-, go and have a look at this, mate. I went up there and I was, you know, I was, frankly I was appalled.
CLIVE:
What, by the state of her cunt?
DEREK:
Well, I mean, the people up there, wandering about lost, you know (belches) it was pathetic. Anyway, to cut a long story short I got a bit lost myself, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that .....
DEREK:
Her arsehole was .....
CLIVE:
..... that, yeah, no .....
DEREK:
Her arsehole was completely blocked with Spanish revolutionaries.
CLIVE:
Oh FUCK!!
DEREK:
And .....
CLIVE:
Are they still there?
DEREK:
Still there. So-
CLIVE:
Ohhh, that's that fucking trouble, 'cause they can't speak a word of fucking Belgian!
DEREK:
Right! A-, and I start-, I thought, well fuck this, I-, for a laugh, I'm going to go north, you know, so I started making my way. I thought .....
CLIVE:
Did you get to her tits?
DEREK:
No, well, .....
CLIVE:
They've frozen over for the time of the year.
DEREK:
Well, I s-, I thought to myself, I'll, I'll make my way through the gall bladder and then, er, tickle her larynx or, you know, somewhere round there and she can sick me up.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I went, I went into the gall bladder, I stepped through, I fucking fell! 'Cause she'd had it fucking removed!
CLIVE:
What her f-, her gall bladder?
DEREK:
Her gall bladder wasn't there!
CLIVE:
Well, there's no fucking signs on her saying the gall bladder's .....
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
Fucking hell! There should be a fucking sign up there saying, "Danger! No fucking gall-"
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
Fucking hell!!
DEREK:
Anyway, to cut a long story short .....
CLIVE:
What'd you-
DEREK:
..... I got, I got in the stomach. I got in a rather dodgy way, I got in by osmosis.
CLIVE:
Yea-h-h.
DEREK:
And, erm, I went in there, I kicked up a fucking storm in there. I ran around all the walls, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, yeah.
DEREK:
..... kicking the shit out of 'em.
CLIVE:
Y-
DEREK:
Anyway, I stuck a pencil up her epiglottis and in a fucking trice .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... I came flying up with all this Chinese take away food that she'd just had .....
CLIVE:
Oh shit!
DEREK:
No - sick. And .....
CLIVE:
Sorry.
DEREK:
..... I was, I come flying out and, er, fuck me, out of the frying pan into the fire. I landed straight in the fucking toilet, 'cause she .....
CLIVE:
Oh, fuck off!
DEREK:
..... was leaning over the toilet - I just come out!
CLIVE:
That's fucking Hollywood, isn't it?!
DEREK:
Init!