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Derek & Clive -
"Norman The Carpet"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
Yeah, he's a good bloke, Norm.
CLIVE:
Norm! I, I saw him down, er, down the pub the other day and he was-, you know Norman's normally sort of very ch- chipper, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... very perky .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, he looked a bit down.
DEREK:
Really?
CLIVE:
So I said, you know, not friendly like, I said, er, "What's wrong Norm?"
DEREK:
Yeah-h-h-h.
CLIVE:
And he said, er, "Nothing."
DEREK:
Oh, right.
CLIVE:
Hunh! I said, "Now come on Norm, we've known each other for years .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... you can't say there's nothing wrong." He said, "All right, I'll tell you what happened. My whole body got infected with, er, carpets and, er, I've been turned into a fine-pile carpet by the doctors." I said, "Come on Norm, drink up, don't be a cunt. Stupid fucking story about being a fucking carpet!" And then, you know, we had a few drinks .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and I left .....
DEREK:
But, you see, he's al-
CLIVE:
..... and, and, yeah, yeah, when I left .....
DEREK:
He's always let people walk all over him.
CLIVE:
..... that's, THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING SAID TO HIM! When I left, I was standing on his fucking head and he was still saying he's a fucking carpet, I said, .....
DEREK:
What a cunt.
CLIVE:
..... "Norm, huh, own up or grow up or be something in this world, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... don't be a carpet."
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
'cause being a carpet gets you nowhere.
DEREK:
Nowhere.
CLIVE:
Except at the Savoy, it gets you upstairs.
DEREK:
Right, yeah, without having to register.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah.