Derek & Clive -
"Norman The Carpet"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:

Yeah, he's a good bloke, Norm.

CLIVE:

Norm! I, I saw him down, er, down the pub the other day and he was-, you know Norman's normally sort of very ch- chipper, you know, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... very perky .....

DEREK:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

CLIVE:

..... and, er, he looked a bit down.

DEREK:

Really?

CLIVE:

So I said, you know, not friendly like, I said, er, "What's wrong Norm?"

DEREK:

Yeah-h-h-h.

CLIVE:

And he said, er, "Nothing."

DEREK:

Oh, right.

CLIVE:

Hunh! I said, "Now come on Norm, we've known each other for years .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... you can't say there's nothing wrong." He said, "All right, I'll tell you what happened. My whole body got infected with, er, carpets and, er, I've been turned into a fine-pile carpet by the doctors." I said, "Come on Norm, drink up, don't be a cunt. Stupid fucking story about being a fucking carpet!" And then, you know, we had a few drinks .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... and I left .....

DEREK:

But, you see, he's al-

CLIVE:

..... and, and, yeah, yeah, when I left .....

DEREK:

He's always let people walk all over him.

CLIVE:

..... that's, THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING SAID TO HIM! When I left, I was standing on his fucking head and he was still saying he's a fucking carpet, I said, .....

DEREK:

What a cunt.

CLIVE:

..... "Norm, huh, own up or grow up or be something in this world, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... don't be a carpet."

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

'cause being a carpet gets you nowhere.

DEREK:

Nowhere.

CLIVE:

Except at the Savoy, it gets you upstairs.

DEREK:

Right, yeah, without having to register.

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

Yeah.