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Derek & Clive -
"How's Your Mother?"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:
How's your mother?
DEREK:
What, my mother? (tuts) Well .....
CLIVE:
Living?
DEREK:
Well, I, er, well it's, it's a sort of life, you know .....
CLIVE:
An existence.
DEREK:
Yeah. I went to see her, er, last Wednesday afternoon,
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Took her round some Jaffa cakes.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And .....
CLIVE:
No, did you take her "'round" some Jaffa cakes? I mean, did you have Jaffa cakes, er, left in the road which you sort of did a slalom "'round"? Or .....
DEREK:
No, no, no.
CLIVE:
..... did you take her some Jaffa cakes .....
DEREK:
I took her .....
CLIVE:
..... which you shoved in her gob?
DEREK:
I shoved them in her gob.
CLIVE:
Oh good.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Yeah, as long as you weren't taking her "'round" Jaffa cakes, or .....
DEREK:
No, no, no, I wouldn't, no I wouldn't do that 'cause she doesn't enjoy that as much.
CLIVE:
No, she hates it.
DEREK:
She likes them in her gob, but I've taken her 'round Jaffa cakes and she hates that.
CLIVE:
Oh.
DEREK:
Yeah, anyway, I gave, I bunged this Jaffa cake in her gob and she took a nip at it, and do you know what? Her right tit fell off, right in front of me. Anyway .....
CLIVE:
So what are you saying, her right tit fell off?
DEREK:
I didn't say anything, I, er, I picked it up, you know, and .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... I said, "Look, good God", I said, "look out that, look at that bird on the, on, er, Mrs. Coltart's roof!"
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
She whipped, she turned round and I slapped it back on again. She didn't know.
CLIVE:
No .....
DEREK:
And, er, it was all right, but .....
CLIVE:
..... at that age they don't, do they?
DEREK:
They don't, no, but it was a very difficult moment, you know?
CLIVE:
Tell me, did it stick?
DEREK:
Of course, yeah, oh yeah, well it's her own tit, you know, it's bound to take.
CLIVE:
Yeah, bound to graft, yeah.
DEREK:
Bound to take. In fact, er .....
CLIVE:
No, 'cause I, I had the same trouble, down at, erm, you remember Mrs., erm (pauses) Grittoli?
DEREK:
Oh yeah.
CLIVE:
Mrs. Gritto-
DEREK:
She used to make those, those, er, those blancmanges, didn't she?
CLIVE:
Yeah, she, not only'd she made them, she was one. But Mrs. Grittoli, I was down there for tea .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, erm, her whole bo-
DEREK:
What, just like me, "for tea"?
CLIVE:
Yes.
DEREK:
Yeah, huh, it's interesting, that, see.
CLIVE:
Her whole bottom, you know .....
DEREK:
Her arse fell off?
CLIVE:
What, er, huh, her arse fell off on the floor.
DEREK:
Fucking hell, what, right .....
CLIVE:
So we, no, we, she didn't want, she was embarrassed so we tried to make nothing of it.
DEREK:
Right, right, yeah, what .....
CLIVE:
So we shoved, erm, both halves in a toaster and, er, it come up nice and brown, we shoved it back on and she thanked us later 'cause she'd got a smaller arse.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, that was nice that.
CLIVE:
Then we buttered it and ate it.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, yeah it's, it's, er ..... that's nice, that.
CLIVE:
It's a gesture, init?
DEREK:
Well, you know, w-, i-, er, I don't know if I told you but, you know, there's been a history of this in my family.
CLIVE:
What, things falling off?
DEREK:
Yeah, my Un-, my, erm, er, my Uncle Bert, you know. He, er, I was talking to him, er, we were having a drink, you know, in the pub ..... (starts giggling) ..... and .....
CLIVE:
"And", yeah .....
DEREK:
..... and sud-, suddenly, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... he was talking, you know, telling a joke, I think it was .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er, his head fell off!
CLIVE:
Oh, FUCK!!
DEREK:
(gasping laugh)
CLIVE:
What a cunt!! His fucking head fell off?
DEREK:
Yeah, right in front .....
CLIVE:
In the middle of a joke?
DEREK:
Yeah! h- .....
CLIVE:
Did he give you the punchline?
DEREK:
No, well, no!
CLIVE:
What a cunt!!
DEREK:
Anyway, I picked it up, I .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, you know, in the, in the panic I stuck it on the wrong way round. (giggles)
CLIVE:
What happened then?
DEREK:
Well, now he shits through his prick.
CLIVE:
Oh, FUCK!!
DEREK:
And he gets the most enormous erections .....
CLIVE:
Course he does, all that shit cumming through his prick!
DEREK:
..... on his arsehole!
CLIVE:
Arsehole all erect?
DEREK:
Right! And he cums through his arsehole.
CLIVE:
Oh gawd!
DEREK:
It's the most amazing sight. Course, he never forgives me, but I said, "Listen Bert", I said, "fuck me", I said, "if I hadn't stuck that fucking head on, mate", I said, "you wouldn't have had it on the right way round or the wrong way round."
CLIVE:
That's it! Well, well, I've got that .....
DEREK:
Fucking ingratitude, mate!
CLIVE:
I've got, I've got, I've got an Uncle Bert and he's worse! D'you know what he did to me? He come up to me in the middle of the night and said, "Look, I'd like to take your nightie and set it on fire." I said, "Fuck you, you're not going to take my nightie and set it on fire, you'll take me! And set me on fire .....
DEREK:
And set it on fire, right!
CLIVE:
..... before you set yourself on fire with a nightie!
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
And he set fire to me and the nightie and said, "Fuckin'", and I said, "Fuck, you cunt", and d'you know what I did?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
I ..... I felt very, very ill.
DEREK:
Well you're bou-, after, after that?
CLIVE:
Being burned .....
DEREK:
After him coming in and saying he's going to set fire to your nightie?
CLIVE:
I was burned to death.
DEREK:
Ohhh, fucking hell .....
CLIVE:
But after that, after that, Uncle .....
DEREK:
..... why'd you let him do that?
CLIVE:
No! After that, Uncle Bert took me down the pub .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and said, "Clive, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... from being nearly dead you have learned how to be alive."
DEREK:
Ohhh.
CLIVE:
And I kicked him in the fucking teeth and I never seen o' the cunt again.
DEREK:
(sighs) Oh, well, that's, that's , er, that's relatives, init?