Derek & Clive -
"Back Of The Cab"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:

How you doing 4105?

DEREK:

(belches) What? (belches again)

CLIVE:

I said, "How you doing 1045?"

DEREK:

Oh, not so bad 305-stroke-Z.

CLIVE:

No, 'cause I had, er ..... I've had a fucking terrible day.

DEREK:

Yeah?

CLIVE:

I had, er, you know that, er, that, er, what's he called? - that philosopher?

DEREK:

Philosopher?

CLIVE:

Er, philosopher, yeah.

DEREK:

Errr .....

CLIVE:

The one who knows words and everything like that.

DEREK:

What, er, Des O'Connor?

CLIVE:

No, not Des. No, Des .....

DEREK:

No.

CLIVE:

Des is clever but he's, he's not quite as reputed to be as clever as this, erm .....

DEREK:

Other bloke.

CLIVE:

RUSSELL! Russell!

DEREK:

Oh, Jane Russell!

CLIVE:

No, Bertrand - Bertrand Russell.

DEREK:

Bertrand Ru-, Oh, BERTRAND RUSSELL!!

CLIVE:

I had fucking Bertrand Russell in the back of my cab.

DEREK:

Yeah, mmm, yeah .....

CLIVE:

I looked round, you know, I recognised him and I said, "Hallo Bertie."

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

And, you know, he, he was a bit surprised 'cause, you know, he's not used to .....

DEREK:

Pissed out of his head, wasn't he? Fucking hell.

CLIVE:

Yeah, pissed out of his fucking head.

DEREK:

Cunt.

CLIVE:

Fucking dwarf .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Wide-headed cunt .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

So I said, "'ere, Bertie, you've written the history of the fucking Western World, .....

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

..... what's the fucking answer?"

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

He looked round, didn't fucking know.

DEREK:

Probably farted, didn't he?

CLIVE:

He farted .....

DEREK:

Knowing him, mate, you know.

CLIVE:

He farted twice, he clouded up the windscreen.

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

And, er, I said, "Look, Bertie, Bertie, Bertie, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, right, right.

CLIVE:

..... get out-, GET OUT THE CAB!"

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

"GET OUT THE CAB!"

DEREK:

Right, right.

CLIVE:

Yeah, I always use those words when I've got some cunt and .....

DEREK:

And you want to get him out the cab.

CLIVE:

Yeah, I said, "GET OUT THE CAB!"

DEREK:

"GET OUT THE CAB!"

CLIVE:

He said, he said, "What is the meaning of getting out the cab?" I said, "There's no fucking meaning, it just means 'get out the cab'." And he went into some philosophical argument .....

DEREK:

Oh, fuck.

CLIVE:

..... about whether getting out the cab was getting the same as in the cab .....

DEREK:

In this .....

CLIVE:

All that crap, I thought, "fuck it."

DEREK:

Yeah, fucking dualistic world crap.

CLIVE:

And, er, you know ..... know what I got for a tip?

DEREK:

What?

CLIVE:

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

DEREK:

I suppose that was his philosophical joke.

CLIVE:

Yeah, heh-heh, you get a philosopher in the cab you get nothing, the same with, with Picasso.

DEREK:

Yeah? You had Picasso in your cab?

CLIVE:

Picasso. You know, I-, I knew him at once 'cause he was .....

DEREK:

(belches)

CLIVE:

..... enigmatic.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And I said, yeah, you know, just as a friendly joke, I said, er, .....

DEREK:

What, did he have a paintbrush out of his arsehole?

CLIVE:

He had, er, he had a fucking oil painting coming out of his arsehole.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And, er, neolithic style, erm, abstract on his, erm, .....

DEREK:

On his knob.

CLIVE:

..... on his knob.

DEREK:

Yeah, I know .....

CLIVE:

So I said .....

DEREK:

..... he paints his knob.

CLIVE:

He paints his knob different colours then photographs it and sells it to other people.

DEREK:

Yeah, dirty fucking cunt!

CLIVE:

The fucker. So I said, "You know what I call you, Mister Picasso?"

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

I said, "I call you 'Mister Pick-Arsehole' .....

DEREK:

Right! Fucking hell.

CLIVE:

..... 'cause as far as I'm concerned you take shit out of other people's arseholes, shove it on the canvass and sell it to other cunts."

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

And, er, he was non-plussed.

DEREK:

Yeah, well I had the same experience. I, er, opened the cab door for somebody who hailed me on the corner .....

CLIVE:

Who was that? "Hailed" you?

DEREK:

Richard Wagner.

CLIVE:

Richard Wagner?

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

But he's been dead two hundred years.

DEREK:

That's what I thought but, no, he was large as fucking life in the King's Road. So I said .....

CLIVE:

You're not confusing him with Richard Wagner?     (pronouncing "W" sound)

DEREK:

Er ..... Robert Wagner?

CLIVE:

Robert Wagner.

DEREK:

Errr .....

CLIVE:

No, 'cause he's been alive for .....

DEREK:

No, 'cause he was humming .....

CLIVE:

..... he's, he's been alive for years, hasn't he?

DEREK:

No, h-, he's been alive for years, you'd know the difference.

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

No, Richie, Richie came into my cab humming, you know, snatches of, er, Tristan And Isolde. I thought, "fucking hell" .....

CLIVE:

Ye-, ah, fucking hell.

DEREK:

I thought he was dead, I thought, you know. Anyway, he sat in the cab, whistling away, all, you know .....

CLIVE:

(whistles tunelessly)

DEREK:

I said, "Hello! A-huh, I recognise that leitmotif!"

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

Yeah, and he recognised, er, you know, er, er, another soul on his, er, wavelength, and he said, er, "Fuck off, cunt!" I said, I said, "Hold up ..... "

CLIVE:

What, w-, in German? Or English?

DEREK:

No, in English. I said, I said, "You speak very good English for a cunt." Anyway, I pulled over, I said, "Wha-", I looked round, I said, "What was that all about?" I said, "You can fucking get out the cab, as far as I'm concerned," I said, "get out the fucking cab." I said, "You may be Richard Wagner, but," I s- ......

CLIVE:

BUT!

DEREK:

"You can't come in my fucking cab .....

CLIVE:

BUT!

DEREK:

..... and tell me to fuck off!"

CLIVE:

No.

DEREK:

So I got, I said, "You just fuck off out the cab." I never saw him again - he didn't give me nothing.

CLIVE:

He gave you n-, no tip whatsoever?

DEREK:

Nothing! No tip, no fare.

CLIVE:

NO TIP, NO TIP WHATSOEVER? Like all celebrities I've had in my cab, Lord, er, Bradwell.

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

Lord Bradwell.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Well, I didn't know he was poofter.

DEREK:

No? Oh yeahhhh, oh .....

CLIVE:

I had no reason to suspect.

DEREK:

I could have told you that.

CLIVE:

Well I didn't know that.

DEREK:

Oh yeah.

CLIVE:

He just came in his, his fine fishnet stockings with this, erm, young, erm, 'chicken' with him.

DEREK:

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

CLIVE:

You know, what they call in the trade, a 'chicken' is .....

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

..... a young bloke with a huge knob .....

DEREK:

Yeah, yeah ..... (laughs)

CLIVE:

..... wearing nothing at all. And, er, he come in with this chicken, he said, er, he said, er .....

DEREK:

(as a chicken:) Fucky-fucky.

CLIVE:

..... he said, he said, "I'd like to go to my flat, please." I said, "All right, O.K."

DEREK:

"Where the fuck's that," I bet you said, did you?

CLIVE:

I said, "Where the fuck is that?"

DEREK:

Yeah, cunt.

CLIVE:

He said, "Kensington."

DEREK:

Yeah, yeah.

CLIVE:

I said, "O.K., O.K., .....

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

..... Kensington, right, yeah, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

..... all right, nude boy, nude boy, .....

DEREK:

Kensington Frensington.

CLIVE:

..... Kensington Frensington, nude boy in there with you"

DEREK:

Nude chicken.

CLIVE:

This fucking Lord Driberg, or Lord Bradwell I think he's called.

DEREK:

I don't care what he's called, mate, I don't give a shit.

CLIVE:

No, I don't, I didn't care either.

DEREK:

No, frankly, I don't give a shit.

CLIVE:

He pulled out his cock .....

DEREK:

He could be called .....

CLIVE:

He pulled out his cock and he pulled out this young, erm .....

DEREK:

And said, "What a good boy am I."

CLIVE:

No, no, no, he didn't.

DEREK:

No.

CLIVE:

I wish he had, I wish he had.

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

He said, "What a bad boy am I."

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

'Cause he still felt guilty.

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

And he pulled out the little bloke's, er, cock, you know, .....

DEREK:

Knob.

CLIVE:

Knob, yeah.

DEREK:

His little knob, yeah.

CLIVE:

And all began wanking, wanking, wanking, wanking, wanking all over the fucking .....

DEREK:

Cab.

CLIVE:

..... Bac-k of the cab.

DEREK:

The "bac-K"?

CLIVE:

All over the fucking windows, everywhere was glazed up, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... I had no view from the rear mirror, I didn't know where the fuck I was, .....

DEREK:

What, with s-

CLIVE:

I said, "Stop wanking otherwise - .....

DEREK:

What, with spunk-?

CLIVE:

..... I'M GONNA CRASH!!" And - voomp! - I did.

DEREK:

Yeah, what, with spunk all over the, all over the, er, over your glasses probably.

CLIVE:

I had spunk .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... everywhere in the cab.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And, I thought, you know, if this is the peerage .....

DEREK:

Right, fuck 'em.

CLIVE:

..... what's the House of Commons like?

DEREK:

Yeah, fuck 'em, eh? Humpf.