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Derek & Clive -
"Back Of The Cab"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:
How you doing 4105?
DEREK:
(belches) What? (belches again)
CLIVE:
I said, "How you doing 1045?"
DEREK:
Oh, not so bad 305-stroke-Z.
CLIVE:
No, 'cause I had, er ..... I've had a fucking terrible day.
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
I had, er, you know that, er, that, er, what's he called? - that philosopher?
DEREK:
Philosopher?
CLIVE:
Er, philosopher, yeah.
DEREK:
Errr .....
CLIVE:
The one who knows words and everything like that.
DEREK:
What, er, Des O'Connor?
CLIVE:
No, not Des. No, Des .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
Des is clever but he's, he's not quite as reputed to be as clever as this, erm .....
DEREK:
Other bloke.
CLIVE:
RUSSELL! Russell!
DEREK:
Oh, Jane Russell!
CLIVE:
No, Bertrand - Bertrand Russell.
DEREK:
Bertrand Ru-, Oh, BERTRAND RUSSELL!!
CLIVE:
I had fucking Bertrand Russell in the back of my cab.
DEREK:
Yeah, mmm, yeah .....
CLIVE:
I looked round, you know, I recognised him and I said, "Hallo Bertie."
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And, you know, he, he was a bit surprised 'cause, you know, he's not used to .....
DEREK:
Pissed out of his head, wasn't he? Fucking hell.
CLIVE:
Yeah, pissed out of his fucking head.
DEREK:
Cunt.
CLIVE:
Fucking dwarf .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Wide-headed cunt .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So I said, "'ere, Bertie, you've written the history of the fucking Western World, .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... what's the fucking answer?"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
He looked round, didn't fucking know.
DEREK:
Probably farted, didn't he?
CLIVE:
He farted .....
DEREK:
Knowing him, mate, you know.
CLIVE:
He farted twice, he clouded up the windscreen.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And, er, I said, "Look, Bertie, Bertie, Bertie, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right, right.
CLIVE:
..... get out-, GET OUT THE CAB!"
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
"GET OUT THE CAB!"
DEREK:
Right, right.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I always use those words when I've got some cunt and .....
DEREK:
And you want to get him out the cab.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I said, "GET OUT THE CAB!"
DEREK:
"GET OUT THE CAB!"
CLIVE:
He said, he said, "What is the meaning of getting out the cab?" I said, "There's no fucking meaning, it just means 'get out the cab'." And he went into some philosophical argument .....
DEREK:
Oh, fuck.
CLIVE:
..... about whether getting out the cab was getting the same as in the cab .....
DEREK:
In this .....
CLIVE:
All that crap, I thought, "fuck it."
DEREK:
Yeah, fucking dualistic world crap.
CLIVE:
And, er, you know ..... know what I got for a tip?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
DEREK:
I suppose that was his philosophical joke.
CLIVE:
Yeah, heh-heh, you get a philosopher in the cab you get nothing, the same with, with Picasso.
DEREK:
Yeah? You had Picasso in your cab?
CLIVE:
Picasso. You know, I-, I knew him at once 'cause he was .....
DEREK:
(belches)
CLIVE:
..... enigmatic.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And I said, yeah, you know, just as a friendly joke, I said, er, .....
DEREK:
What, did he have a paintbrush out of his arsehole?
CLIVE:
He had, er, he had a fucking oil painting coming out of his arsehole.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, er, neolithic style, erm, abstract on his, erm, .....
DEREK:
On his knob.
CLIVE:
..... on his knob.
DEREK:
Yeah, I know .....
CLIVE:
So I said .....
DEREK:
..... he paints his knob.
CLIVE:
He paints his knob different colours then photographs it and sells it to other people.
DEREK:
Yeah, dirty fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
The fucker. So I said, "You know what I call you, Mister Picasso?"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I said, "I call you 'Mister Pick-Arsehole' .....
DEREK:
Right! Fucking hell.
CLIVE:
..... 'cause as far as I'm concerned you take shit out of other people's arseholes, shove it on the canvass and sell it to other cunts."
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
And, er, he was non-plussed.
DEREK:
Yeah, well I had the same experience. I, er, opened the cab door for somebody who hailed me on the corner .....
CLIVE:
Who was that? "Hailed" you?
DEREK:
Richard Wagner.
CLIVE:
Richard Wagner?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
But he's been dead two hundred years.
DEREK:
That's what I thought but, no, he was large as fucking life in the King's Road. So I said .....
CLIVE:
You're not confusing him with Richard Wagner?     (pronouncing "W" sound)
DEREK:
Er ..... Robert Wagner?
CLIVE:
Robert Wagner.
DEREK:
Errr .....
CLIVE:
No, 'cause he's been alive for .....
DEREK:
No, 'cause he was humming .....
CLIVE:
..... he's, he's been alive for years, hasn't he?
DEREK:
No, h-, he's been alive for years, you'd know the difference.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
No, Richie, Richie came into my cab humming, you know, snatches of, er, Tristan And Isolde. I thought, "fucking hell" .....
CLIVE:
Ye-, ah, fucking hell.
DEREK:
I thought he was dead, I thought, you know. Anyway, he sat in the cab, whistling away, all, you know .....
CLIVE:
(whistles tunelessly)
DEREK:
I said, "Hello! A-huh, I recognise that leitmotif!"
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah, and he recognised, er, you know, er, er, another soul on his, er, wavelength, and he said, er, "Fuck off, cunt!" I said, I said, "Hold up ..... "
CLIVE:
What, w-, in German? Or English?
DEREK:
No, in English. I said, I said, "You speak very good English for a cunt." Anyway, I pulled over, I said, "Wha-", I looked round, I said, "What was that all about?" I said, "You can fucking get out the cab, as far as I'm concerned," I said, "get out the fucking cab." I said, "You may be Richard Wagner, but," I s- ......
CLIVE:
BUT!
DEREK:
"You can't come in my fucking cab .....
CLIVE:
BUT!
DEREK:
..... and tell me to fuck off!"
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
So I got, I said, "You just fuck off out the cab." I never saw him again - he didn't give me nothing.
CLIVE:
He gave you n-, no tip whatsoever?
DEREK:
Nothing! No tip, no fare.
CLIVE:
NO TIP, NO TIP WHATSOEVER? Like all celebrities I've had in my cab, Lord, er, Bradwell.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
Lord Bradwell.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, I didn't know he was poofter.
DEREK:
No? Oh yeahhhh, oh .....
CLIVE:
I had no reason to suspect.
DEREK:
I could have told you that.
CLIVE:
Well I didn't know that.
DEREK:
Oh yeah.
CLIVE:
He just came in his, his fine fishnet stockings with this, erm, young, erm, 'chicken' with him.
DEREK:
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, what they call in the trade, a 'chicken' is .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... a young bloke with a huge knob .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah ..... (laughs)
CLIVE:
..... wearing nothing at all. And, er, he come in with this chicken, he said, er, he said, er .....
DEREK:
(as a chicken:) Fucky-fucky.
CLIVE:
..... he said, he said, "I'd like to go to my flat, please." I said, "All right, O.K."
DEREK:
"Where the fuck's that," I bet you said, did you?
CLIVE:
I said, "Where the fuck is that?"
DEREK:
Yeah, cunt.
CLIVE:
He said, "Kensington."
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
I said, "O.K., O.K., .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... Kensington, right, yeah, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... all right, nude boy, nude boy, .....
DEREK:
Kensington Frensington.
CLIVE:
..... Kensington Frensington, nude boy in there with you"
DEREK:
Nude chicken.
CLIVE:
This fucking Lord Driberg, or Lord Bradwell I think he's called.
DEREK:
I don't care what he's called, mate, I don't give a shit.
CLIVE:
No, I don't, I didn't care either.
DEREK:
No, frankly, I don't give a shit.
CLIVE:
He pulled out his cock .....
DEREK:
He could be called .....
CLIVE:
He pulled out his cock and he pulled out this young, erm .....
DEREK:
And said, "What a good boy am I."
CLIVE:
No, no, no, he didn't.
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
I wish he had, I wish he had.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
He said, "What a bad boy am I."
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
'Cause he still felt guilty.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And he pulled out the little bloke's, er, cock, you know, .....
DEREK:
Knob.
CLIVE:
Knob, yeah.
DEREK:
His little knob, yeah.
CLIVE:
And all began wanking, wanking, wanking, wanking, wanking all over the fucking .....
DEREK:
Cab.
CLIVE:
..... Bac-k of the cab.
DEREK:
The "bac-K"?
CLIVE:
All over the fucking windows, everywhere was glazed up, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... I had no view from the rear mirror, I didn't know where the fuck I was, .....
DEREK:
What, with s-
CLIVE:
I said, "Stop wanking otherwise - .....
DEREK:
What, with spunk-?
CLIVE:
..... I'M GONNA CRASH!!" And - voomp! - I did.
DEREK:
Yeah, what, with spunk all over the, all over the, er, over your glasses probably.
CLIVE:
I had spunk .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... everywhere in the cab.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, I thought, you know, if this is the peerage .....
DEREK:
Right, fuck 'em.
CLIVE:
..... what's the House of Commons like?
DEREK:
Yeah, fuck 'em, eh? Humpf.