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Derek & Clive -
"Alfie Noakes"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
Mm-cha mm-cha mm-cha mm-cha,
mm-cha ..... (repeats over and over)
CLIVE:
Oooh-la-la-la-la, oop North, you know, we have a different point of view. And here, from the North country we have a wonderful comic and he's a great bloke, I'd like you welcome him here and now, he's Alfie Noakes and he's got stories from the North!
DEREK:
(makes sound of ecstatic audience applause, then belches)
CLIVE:
Hello, ah-ha-ha! Hallo! my name is Alfie Noakes, and .....
DEREK:
No, my name is Alfie Noakes!
CLIVE:
Oh! Your name is Alfie Noakes?
DEREK:
Yeah!
CLIVE:
Hallo Alfie!
DEREK:
Hallo Alfie, how are you?
CLIVE:
Aaaaayyyyyeee, nice to meet you!
DEREK:
Ehh, nice to see you. Yes, how are you Alfie?
CLIVE:
Great to see you!
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, yeah .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah .....
DEREK:
Ah, ya fuckin'- Aah.
CLIVE:
Aye, aye
DEREK:
Oh.
CLIVE:
Well, my name is Alfie Noakes, and I remember the time your mother .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... had cancer of the arsehole!
DEREK:
Oh! That was a funny one, wasn't it! Yeah! She said .....
CLIVE:
Oh, that was a funny one! Oh, I love that! Yes, I love that!
DEREK:
She said .....
CLIVE:
Oh, you love that folks! Listen to Alfie, tell it.
DEREK:
'Ere, I said to her, I said, I said, I said, I said, .....
CLIVE:
She said - what'd you hear? What'd you say? .....
DEREK:
..... I said, "Mother-", I said, "Mother-", .....
CLIVE:
..... What'd you say? What'd you say? What'd you say? .....
DEREK:
..... I said, "Mother, you've got so m-", I said "Mother", I said, I said, "Mother, you've got so much-", .....
CLIVE:
..... He said, "Mother, mother", he said, "Mother", he said, "Mother", he said - what'd you-, "Mother", he said, "Mother", he said, "Mother", he said. What'd you say? .....
DEREK:
..... Oh, I said, no, leave it, I said, "Mother", .....
CLIVE:
..... He said, "Mother", he said, "Mother", he said. What'd you say? .....
DEREK:
..... no, I said, I said, "Mother", I said, no, well, I'll tell you what I said, .....
CLIVE:
..... He said, "Mother", he said, "Mother", I said, "Mother". What'd you say? .....
DEREK:
..... I said, "Mother", I said, "Mother", I said, "Mother", I said, .....
CLIVE:
..... I said, "Mother", I said, "Mother", I said. What'd you say?
DEREK:
..... I said, "Mother", I said, "Mother", I said, "Mother", I said, "Mother", .....
CLIVE:
..... I said, "Mother, mother." What'd you say?
DEREK:
CANCER!!!!!!
CLIVE:
Oh!
DEREK:
And she said to me .....
CLIVE:
Ah!
DEREK:
Ah-huugh-arrgh-ugh-oh! And I laughed! I've never laughed so much before.
CLIVE:
Oh, Alfie Noakes, that is the most wonderful joke I've ever heard.
DEREK:
Ah-hoo!
CLIVE:
But, never mind .....
DEREK:
Oh! (laughs)
CLIVE:
..... we've got more people coming into the room and we've got none other than my young companion, Alfie Noakes.
DEREK:
Hello Alfie!
CLIVE:
Hallo Alfie! Alfie!
DEREK:
How are you Alfie?
CLIVE:
Hallo love! Alfie, I'm fine!
DEREK:
Ya-hurgh, I said to her, .....
CLIVE:
Yes, ah, yes, yes .....
DEREK:
I said to her, .....
CLIVE:
I want to tell you a story, .....
DEREK:
..... yeah, oh, wh-, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... I want to tell you a story. There's this bloke, and he's Irish and he's Jewish and he's Pakistani and he's stupid and he's lost his teeth .....
DEREK:
Ahh-hugh-ho-ho!
CLIVE:
..... and all his h-, all his hair fell out .....
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
Oh-hoo! And .....
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
..... all his hair fell out .....
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
..... and his legs fell off .....
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
..... and, er, .....
DEREK:
Oh-hoo! Oh-
CLIVE:
..... his, his, his cock got sliced off by a lawn mower!
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
And he said, oh-hoo, .....
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
..... he said, "I'm not feeling too well."
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
And this black bloke came round and said to him, .....
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
..... "If you're not feeling well, .....
DEREK:
Oh-hoo!
CLIVE:
..... you should see how I'm feeling!"
DEREK:
Ohhhhhhhh!!!!!
CLIVE:
Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!! That's Alfie Noakes folks!
DEREK:
(makes sound of ecstatic audience applause)
CLIVE:
Aaah!! (makes applause sound) That's Alfie Noakes.
DEREK:
And now to top our bill, somebody I'm sure you'll all love, somebody who sings a good song, tells a good joke, and here he is, the one and only, the cuddly, the very vast, the very lovely, the very slim, the very cuddly, the very big, the very huge, the huge penis of-, the massive p-, 'n' huge penis .....
CLIVE:
Get on with it, Dudley!
DEREK:
The massive penis .....
DEREK AND CLIVE:
..... of ALFIE NOAKES!!!
CLIVE:
Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
DEREK:
Urrm-de-dum-de-dum-dum dum-dum dum-dub-be-dum-dum. Hello everybody, hallo!
CLIVE:
Hallo ladies and gentlemen, my name is Alfie Noakes.
DEREK:
Now, ladies and gentlemen, hallo, my name is Alfie Noakes.
CLIVE:
This person next to me is not Alfie Noakes. I'm, I'm Alfie Noakes.
DEREK:
N-, -next to me is Alfie Noakes. No, I'm Alfie Noakes!
CLIVE:
Alfie Noakes is a very good chap. Alfie Noakes.
DEREK:
I'm Alfie Noakes, listen, 'ere, I want to show you I'm Alfie Noakes.
CLIVE:
Alfie Noakes doesn't know jokes. I don't know jokes.
DEREK:
I want you to- look at my cock. Now, have you, have you seen it?
CLIVE:
No, no, Alf.
DEREK:
This is my, this is Alf's cock.
CLIVE:
Th-, my name is Alfie Noakes.
DEREK:
This is Alf's cock.
CLIVE:
I'm Alfie Noakes.
DEREK:
I'm Alfie Noakes.
CLIVE:
No. I'm Alfie Noakes.
DEREK:
No, I'm Alfie Noakes.
CLIVE:
Are you really?
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
Let's split the fee.