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Derek & Clive -
"In The Cubicles"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
(squelching sounds x14 - clears throat - more squelching x2)
CLIVE:
(squelching sounds x8) ..... Ah, tell me, Derek, here, here, Derek - I got to go home now 'cause, er, .....
DEREK:
(squelching x6) ..... Hold on a minute ..... (squelching x3)
CLIVE:
..... I've got a wife and children to, y'know,-
DEREK:
I can feel you're going to cum in a moment.
CLIVE:
No, what, no, no, no, I couldn't do that .....
DEREK:
(squelching x5) ..... Go on th-, go on, cum in my mouth .....
CLIVE:
No, no, no, n- I-, no, no, no, now come on, co-, .....
DEREK:
..... (slurp) - Come on, cum! cum! (squelching x5) I can feel it's, like, all, .....
CLIVE:
..... no, no, no, no, no, 'cause I'm in the next cu-, .....
DEREK:
..... it's throbbing, you know, your vein's-, .....
CLIVE:
..... I'm, I'm, I'm in the next cubicle! I'm in the next cubicle!
DEREK:
...... your vein is throbbing.
CLIVE:
I'm in the next cubicle!
DEREK:
Well, what am I sucking then? (squelch)
CLIVE:
I don't know, it's a fucking toilet roll.
DEREK:
Fff-ucking-, ohhhh, fuck off, you dirty c-, what a-, get out of it you fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
What you got in there?
DEREK:
It's the fucking attendant!
CLIVE:
Oh, Christ!
DEREK:
Christ, I thought I was sucking your knob!
CLIVE:
No, no, no, no, I was in the next cubicle .....
DEREK:
Oh, fucking hell.
CLIVE:
..... that's what I kept telling you.
DEREK:
(tuts) Well, it's nice. I quite liked him cumming in my mouth like that.
CLIVE:
What, the attendant?
DEREK:
But I was only sorry it wasn't you, 'cause I really, I really laid it on, man.
CLIVE:
No-, I-, look, Derek, I'd have been there had I had the chance but I had such-, I had five foot-, I had five-,
DEREK:
Yeah, well, yeah, w- the fucking next cubicle, you cunt!
CLIVE:
I had five foot of fucking cubicle wall between me and you!
DEREK:
There's-, no, no, no, mate, there's no excuse, mate!
CLIVE:
Don't make it as easy as that!
DEREK:
There's no excuse! No fucking excuse, mate!
CLIVE:
Don't try and tell me whose fucking fault it was!
DEREK:
Listen! You heard- .....
CLIVE:
It was your fucking fault!
DEREK:
You heard I was in the fucking cubicle with the attendant!
CLIVE:
I heard nothing of the sort!
DEREK:
You knew you were in the next one!
CLIVE:
I hadn't heard it on the grapevine!
DEREK:
Why didn't you tell me you were in there? You cunt!
CLIVE:
Be- ..... do you know what I said to my tax-, tax lawyer?
DEREK:
No, I don't know what you said. No, I don't know what you said to anybody.
CLIVE:
I said to my tax lawyer, I said, "Look, if I-"
DEREK:
You-, I don't care what you said to your tax lawyer, if you said "look". If you said "look" to your tax lawyer .....
CLIVE:
(blows raspberry)
DEREK:
..... then I've no desire to know what you said, if you said "look", then I, no-
CLIVE:
No, I didn't say "look", I just said "look" as a- .....
DEREK:
No! If you said "look" ..... oh.
CLIVE:
..... I said "look" as a manner of expressing myself. "Look!"
DEREK:
Ye-es, a manner.
CLIVE:
I mean, Derek, look, lay-, no, no.
DEREK:
Manner fanner.
CLIVE:
There are things in this life that are more important than .....
DEREK:
Yeah, fuckin- ..... Than what? Than what?
CLIVE:
..... life itself.
DEREK:
What is-, what is more important? In life?
CLIVE:
I'll tell you what is more important in life.
DEREK:
What is more important in life than anything?
CLIVE:
Wh-, I'll tell you what is more important than life itself .....
DEREK:
Than anything.
CLIVE:
..... and that is raspberry jam.
DEREK:
Up the arse.
CLIVE:
No, don't .....
DEREK:
With a plate of spam.
CLIVE:
..... no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, no, don't be silly.
DEREK:
No. I'm not being silly, it's being perfectly serious. You ha-
CLIVE:
No, it's not, you're being stupid.
DEREK:
No, I'm not.
CLIVE:
Raspberry jam should not go up your arse. It should go down-, it-
DEREK:
It shouldn't, but it does! It fucking does, mate!
CLIVE:
(coughs and laughs) No!
DEREK:
Oh-h, you put raspberry jam out, mate, and you take your drawers off, fucking stuff goes WHA-AAY!! (blows raspberry) Right up the arsehole!
CLIVE:
No, I, I wish that was true. I was that was tr-
DEREK:
Oh-h, you don't know, you don't know the nature of raspberry jam, mate.
CLIVE:
Oh, I know the nature o-. Perhaps you're confusing it with strawberry jam.
DEREK:
I'm not confusing it with- ..... no, I'm not, mate.
CLIVE:
Oh, yes, you're con-fucking con-strewing, y-, y-, you're confusing it with strawberry jam.
DEREK:
No, I'm not con-strthrrp-thrrp wrrhp wrrhp with any-pthp-thing.
CLIVE:
Str-, oh, yes, yes, yes, that jam goes up your arse .....
DEREK:
Oh, fuck off. Cunt.
CLIVE:
Strawberry jam goes up your arse. G'an fuck'ell .....
DEREK:
Loganberry jam is another kettle of fish.
CLIVE:
Well, don't talk to me about loganberry jam.
DEREK:
WHY NOT!!
CLIVE:
Who brought up the subject of loganberry jam? It wasn't me.
DEREK:
I brought up the loganberry jam, you brought up the strawberry jam! I don't care who brought up what!
CLIVE:
Well, the fact you brought up the loganberry jam is nothing to do with me.
DEREK:
Well, I don't care! Frankly .....
CLIVE:
Well, why do you fucking bother then?
DEREK:
Frankly, I don't fucking care!
CLIVE:
Listen, if-, .....
DEREK:
Listen you-, what you saying, you cunt?
CLIVE:
..... Listen, you fucking cunt, .....
DEREK:
Who you talking to?
CLIVE:
..... you can't even fucking argue, you can't talk rationally, .....
DEREK:
You cunt! Who you-, who you telling to the- fucking listen?
CLIVE:
..... you're so stupid, .....
DEREK:
You stupid- (tails off laughing). You c- .....
CLIVE:
..... you can't talk rationally, .....
DEREK:
RATIONALLY??
CLIVE:
You can't sit down here and argue, 'cause your voice is going to run out 'cause you can't fucking speak!
DEREK:
You call it rational, you cunt? You fucking cunt! You- (tails off laughing).
CLIVE:
You're so stupid .....
DEREK:
You cunt!
CLIVE:
..... you're going to giggle in a moment.
DEREK:
You cunt!
CLIVE:
You won't even be able to fucking speak 'cause you're so fucking stupid.
DEREK:
Oh, now you're resorting-, now, I mean, .....
CLIVE:
Yes, you're so fucking stupid.
DEREK:
..... I mean, I mean, ehhhrrr you cunt!
CLIVE:
You can't speak .....
DEREK:
Oh, really?
CLIVE:
..... 'cause you're so fucking stupid.
DEREK:
Yeah, you got it all-, .....
CLIVE:
You come in here, .....
DEREK:
..... you're hoarse as a fucking butterfly!
CLIVE:
..... you know nothing. You know fucking nothing 'cause you can't speak.
DEREK:
No, I know fucking everything! I know everything!
CLIVE:
Do you?
DEREK:
Yeah!
CLIVE:
What's everything about then?
DEREK:
Well, everything's about, every-, everything, .....
CLIVE:
Tell me! Tell me!
DEREK:
Everything's about .....
CLIVE:
If you know what everything's about, tell me!
DEREK:
I'll tell you what everything's about!
CLIVE:
Tell me what everything is about!
DEREK:
Everything is about is f-f- .....
CLIVE:
What is everything about?
DEREK:
FUCK ALL!!!
CLIVE:
You tell me. Oh!
DEREK:
FUCK - ALL!!!
CLIVE:
'Fuck all' is what YOU'RE about!
DEREK:
Oh, really? You cunt!
CLIVE:
You're about fuck all!
DEREK:
You fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
You stupid fucking cunt!
DEREK:
You cunt-cunt-cunt, you stupid fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
You stupid fucking cunt!
DEREK:
You cunt! (tails off laughing)
CLIVE:
You can't keep talking longer than I can.
DEREK:
Oh, really?
CLIVE:
You're a stupid fucking arsehole!
DEREK:
Oh, let's see about that!
CLIVE:
You're a stupid cunt!
DEREK:
Oh, I'm quite prepared to go on as long as you like!
CLIVE:
You can't speak longer .....
DEREK:
Oh, really? Listen, .....
CLIVE:
..... than I can 'cause you're so stupid.
DEREK:
..... the way I'm getting above your voice, .....
CLIVE:
No, you're nowhere near my vol-
DEREK:
..... you see I'm pitching it a bit higher .....
CLIVE:
You're so stupid.
DEREK:
..... so they can hear it a bit more clearly, you cunt!
CLIVE:
Don't ky an- .....
DEREK:
You fuck-, aww! "Don't ky"?
CLIVE:
..... get clearer than the microphone. You're so-
DEREK:
"Don't ky"?
CLIVE:
Don't "ky" an-
DEREK:
What's this "don't ky" and fuck-?
CLIVE:
Trying to put you off, you fucking cunt.
DEREK:
Oh, yeah, you cunt, you fucking-, .....
CLIVE:
You can't even speak there, .....
DEREK:
..... you couldn't put me off .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
..... you stupid fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
You fool!
DEREK:
You st-, oh, you fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
You fucking cunt!
DEREK:
You stupid-.
CLIVE:
You can't even speak .....
DEREK:
Oh, really?
CLIVE:
..... 'cause you're so stupid.
DEREK:
Yes, I can, you cunt!
CLIVE:
No, you can't, you cunt, .....
DEREK:
Yes, I can, you fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
'cause you're so stupid, you can't s-fucking speak!
DEREK:
You're the fucking stupidest cunt I've ever seen in my fucking life!
CLIVE:
You're so drunk and stupid!
DEREK:
YOU ARE SO FUCKING DRUNK .....
CLIVE:
YOU ARE SO DRUNK AND STUPID .....
DEREK:
..... I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING HERE, YOU CUNT!! You ..... (tails off laughing)
CLIVE:
..... YOU CAN'T EVEN FUCKING SPEAK, THAT'S HOW FUCKING DRUNK YOU ARE!
DEREK:
CUNT!!