Derek & Clive -
"In The Cubicles"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:

(squelching sounds x14 - clears throat - more squelching x2)

CLIVE:

(squelching sounds x8) ..... Ah, tell me, Derek, here, here, Derek - I got to go home now 'cause, er, .....

DEREK:

(squelching x6) ..... Hold on a minute ..... (squelching x3)

CLIVE:

..... I've got a wife and children to, y'know,-

DEREK:

I can feel you're going to cum in a moment.

CLIVE:

No, what, no, no, no, I couldn't do that .....

DEREK:

(squelching x5) ..... Go on th-, go on, cum in my mouth .....

CLIVE:

No, no, no, n- I-, no, no, no, now come on, co-, .....

DEREK:

..... (slurp) - Come on, cum! cum! (squelching x5) I can feel it's, like, all, .....

CLIVE:

..... no, no, no, no, no, 'cause I'm in the next cu-, .....

DEREK:

..... it's throbbing, you know, your vein's-, .....

CLIVE:

..... I'm, I'm, I'm in the next cubicle! I'm in the next cubicle!

DEREK:

...... your vein is throbbing.

CLIVE:

I'm in the next cubicle!

DEREK:

Well, what am I sucking then? (squelch)

CLIVE:

I don't know, it's a fucking toilet roll.

DEREK:

Fff-ucking-, ohhhh, fuck off, you dirty c-, what a-, get out of it you fucking cunt!

CLIVE:

What you got in there?

DEREK:

It's the fucking attendant!

CLIVE:

Oh, Christ!

DEREK:

Christ, I thought I was sucking your knob!

CLIVE:

No, no, no, no, I was in the next cubicle .....

DEREK:

Oh, fucking hell.

CLIVE:

..... that's what I kept telling you.

DEREK:

(tuts) Well, it's nice. I quite liked him cumming in my mouth like that.

CLIVE:

What, the attendant?

DEREK:

But I was only sorry it wasn't you, 'cause I really, I really laid it on, man.

CLIVE:

No-, I-, look, Derek, I'd have been there had I had the chance but I had such-, I had five foot-, I had five-,

DEREK:

Yeah, well, yeah, w- the fucking next cubicle, you cunt!

CLIVE:

I had five foot of fucking cubicle wall between me and you!

DEREK:

There's-, no, no, no, mate, there's no excuse, mate!

CLIVE:

Don't make it as easy as that!

DEREK:

There's no excuse! No fucking excuse, mate!

CLIVE:

Don't try and tell me whose fucking fault it was!

DEREK:

Listen! You heard- .....

CLIVE:

It was your fucking fault!

DEREK:

You heard I was in the fucking cubicle with the attendant!

CLIVE:

I heard nothing of the sort!

DEREK:

You knew you were in the next one!

CLIVE:

I hadn't heard it on the grapevine!

DEREK:

Why didn't you tell me you were in there? You cunt!

CLIVE:

Be- ..... do you know what I said to my tax-, tax lawyer?

DEREK:

No, I don't know what you said. No, I don't know what you said to anybody.

CLIVE:

I said to my tax lawyer, I said, "Look, if I-"

DEREK:

You-, I don't care what you said to your tax lawyer, if you said "look". If you said "look" to your tax lawyer .....

CLIVE:

(blows raspberry)

DEREK:

..... then I've no desire to know what you said, if you said "look", then I, no-

CLIVE:

No, I didn't say "look", I just said "look" as a- .....

DEREK:

No! If you said "look" ..... oh.

CLIVE:

..... I said "look" as a manner of expressing myself. "Look!"

DEREK:

Ye-es, a manner.

CLIVE:

I mean, Derek, look, lay-, no, no.

DEREK:

Manner fanner.

CLIVE:

There are things in this life that are more important than .....

DEREK:

Yeah, fuckin- ..... Than what? Than what?

CLIVE:

..... life itself.

DEREK:

What is-, what is more important? In life?

CLIVE:

I'll tell you what is more important in life.

DEREK:

What is more important in life than anything?

CLIVE:

Wh-, I'll tell you what is more important than life itself .....

DEREK:

Than anything.

CLIVE:

..... and that is raspberry jam.

DEREK:

Up the arse.

CLIVE:

No, don't .....

DEREK:

With a plate of spam.

CLIVE:

..... no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, no, don't be silly.

DEREK:

No. I'm not being silly, it's being perfectly serious. You ha-

CLIVE:

No, it's not, you're being stupid.

DEREK:

No, I'm not.

CLIVE:

Raspberry jam should not go up your arse. It should go down-, it-

DEREK:

It shouldn't, but it does! It fucking does, mate!

CLIVE:

(coughs and laughs) No!

DEREK:

Oh-h, you put raspberry jam out, mate, and you take your drawers off, fucking stuff goes WHA-AAY!! (blows raspberry) Right up the arsehole!

CLIVE:

No, I, I wish that was true. I was that was tr-

DEREK:

Oh-h, you don't know, you don't know the nature of raspberry jam, mate.

CLIVE:

Oh, I know the nature o-. Perhaps you're confusing it with strawberry jam.

DEREK:

I'm not confusing it with- ..... no, I'm not, mate.

CLIVE:

Oh, yes, you're con-fucking con-strewing, y-, y-, you're confusing it with strawberry jam.

DEREK:

No, I'm not con-strthrrp-thrrp wrrhp wrrhp with any-pthp-thing.

CLIVE:

Str-, oh, yes, yes, yes, that jam goes up your arse .....

DEREK:

Oh, fuck off. Cunt.

CLIVE:

Strawberry jam goes up your arse. G'an fuck'ell .....

DEREK:

Loganberry jam is another kettle of fish.

CLIVE:

Well, don't talk to me about loganberry jam.

DEREK:

WHY NOT!!

CLIVE:

Who brought up the subject of loganberry jam? It wasn't me.

DEREK:

I brought up the loganberry jam, you brought up the strawberry jam! I don't care who brought up what!

CLIVE:

Well, the fact you brought up the loganberry jam is nothing to do with me.

DEREK:

Well, I don't care! Frankly .....

CLIVE:

Well, why do you fucking bother then?

DEREK:

Frankly, I don't fucking care!

CLIVE:

Listen, if-, .....

DEREK:

Listen you-, what you saying, you cunt?

CLIVE:

..... Listen, you fucking cunt, .....

DEREK:

Who you talking to?

CLIVE:

..... you can't even fucking argue, you can't talk rationally, .....

DEREK:

You cunt! Who you-, who you telling to the- fucking listen?

CLIVE:

..... you're so stupid, .....

DEREK:

You stupid- (tails off laughing). You c- .....

CLIVE:

..... you can't talk rationally, .....

DEREK:

RATIONALLY??

CLIVE:

You can't sit down here and argue, 'cause your voice is going to run out 'cause you can't fucking speak!

DEREK:

You call it rational, you cunt? You fucking cunt! You- (tails off laughing).

CLIVE:

You're so stupid .....

DEREK:

You cunt!

CLIVE:

..... you're going to giggle in a moment.

DEREK:

You cunt!

CLIVE:

You won't even be able to fucking speak 'cause you're so fucking stupid.

DEREK:

Oh, now you're resorting-, now, I mean, .....

CLIVE:

Yes, you're so fucking stupid.

DEREK:

..... I mean, I mean, ehhhrrr you cunt!

CLIVE:

You can't speak .....

DEREK:

Oh, really?

CLIVE:

..... 'cause you're so fucking stupid.

DEREK:

Yeah, you got it all-, .....

CLIVE:

You come in here, .....

DEREK:

..... you're hoarse as a fucking butterfly!

CLIVE:

..... you know nothing. You know fucking nothing 'cause you can't speak.

DEREK:

No, I know fucking everything! I know everything!

CLIVE:

Do you?

DEREK:

Yeah!

CLIVE:

What's everything about then?

DEREK:

Well, everything's about, every-, everything, .....

CLIVE:

Tell me! Tell me!

DEREK:

Everything's about .....

CLIVE:

If you know what everything's about, tell me!

DEREK:

I'll tell you what everything's about!

CLIVE:

Tell me what everything is about!

DEREK:

Everything is about is f-f- .....

CLIVE:

What is everything about?

DEREK:

FUCK ALL!!!

CLIVE:

You tell me. Oh!

DEREK:

FUCK - ALL!!!

CLIVE:

'Fuck all' is what YOU'RE about!

DEREK:

Oh, really? You cunt!

CLIVE:

You're about fuck all!

DEREK:

You fucking cunt!

CLIVE:

You stupid fucking cunt!

DEREK:

You cunt-cunt-cunt, you stupid fucking cunt!

CLIVE:

You stupid fucking cunt!

DEREK:

You cunt! (tails off laughing)

CLIVE:

You can't keep talking longer than I can.

DEREK:

Oh, really?

CLIVE:

You're a stupid fucking arsehole!

DEREK:

Oh, let's see about that!

CLIVE:

You're a stupid cunt!

DEREK:

Oh, I'm quite prepared to go on as long as you like!

CLIVE:

You can't speak longer .....

DEREK:

Oh, really? Listen, .....

CLIVE:

..... than I can 'cause you're so stupid.

DEREK:

..... the way I'm getting above your voice, .....

CLIVE:

No, you're nowhere near my vol-

DEREK:

..... you see I'm pitching it a bit higher .....

CLIVE:

You're so stupid.

DEREK:

..... so they can hear it a bit more clearly, you cunt!

CLIVE:

Don't ky an- .....

DEREK:

You fuck-, aww! "Don't ky"?

CLIVE:

..... get clearer than the microphone. You're so-

DEREK:

"Don't ky"?

CLIVE:

Don't "ky" an-

DEREK:

What's this "don't ky" and fuck-?

CLIVE:

Trying to put you off, you fucking cunt.

DEREK:

Oh, yeah, you cunt, you fucking-, .....

CLIVE:

You can't even speak there, .....

DEREK:

..... you couldn't put me off .....

DEREK & CLIVE:

..... you stupid fucking cunt!

CLIVE:

You fool!

DEREK:

You st-, oh, you fucking cunt!

CLIVE:

You fucking cunt!

DEREK:

You stupid-.

CLIVE:

You can't even speak .....

DEREK:

Oh, really?

CLIVE:

..... 'cause you're so stupid.

DEREK:

Yes, I can, you cunt!

CLIVE:

No, you can't, you cunt, .....

DEREK:

Yes, I can, you fucking cunt!

CLIVE:

'cause you're so stupid, you can't s-fucking speak!

DEREK:

You're the fucking stupidest cunt I've ever seen in my fucking life!

CLIVE:

You're so drunk and stupid!

DEREK:

YOU ARE SO FUCKING DRUNK .....

CLIVE:

YOU ARE SO DRUNK AND STUPID .....

DEREK:

..... I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING HERE, YOU CUNT!! You ..... (tails off laughing)

CLIVE:

..... YOU CAN'T EVEN FUCKING SPEAK, THAT'S HOW FUCKING DRUNK YOU ARE!

DEREK:

CUNT!!