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Derek & Clive -
"Ross McPharter"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
(farting noise)
CLIVE:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to produce one of the greatest farters of all time. I'm talking of none other than Ross McPharter who, er, does wonderful farts, er, for live audiences throughout the world.
DEREK:
Hi.
CLIVE:
Er, Ross, um, I'd like to hear, um, live one of your famous farts, and, er, oh, .....
DEREK:
Well, I think first of all, er, Barry, I think, you know, it should be explained that farting is no laughing matter.
CLIVE:
No, it's, it's a live art.
DEREK:
It's a-, an art which, er, has been handed down from generation to generation.
CLIVE:
Let's try and get the accent right for a start.
DEREK:
I come from mixed background, you see, and, er, (sniggers) the thing is that, er, most people take farting far too lightly.
CLIVE:
I-
DEREK:
If you'll pardon the 'far-too-lightly', er, expression.
CLIVE:
Well, huh-huh, Barry, that's a-, that's an in-joke for farters .....
DEREK:
No, but seriously, .....
CLIVE:
..... and I like it.
DEREK:
Yes, it certainly is, but of course, er, there aren't many, errr, societies nowadays that, er, devote their-, their entire time and interest to farting.
CLIVE:
Well, er-
DEREK:
And this saddens me a great deal because I think that farting is a very important part of Scottish life.
CLIVE:
Well, it takes, um, a great deal of our time up here in Scotland, 'cause, er .....
DEREK:
It certainly does.
CLIVE:
..... there's certainly very little else to do .....
DEREK:
Exactly.
CLIVE:
..... apart from listen to Billy Connolly.
DEREK:
Well, when you live in Scotland - and especially in Glamorgan - there's not very much you have, er-er, at your disposal except the T.V. .....
CLIVE:
Well, if you're in Scotland AND in Glamorgan you're in trouble.
DEREK:
..... T.V. and farting. Er, you know, there's Saturday night, of course, down the pub.
CLIVE:
No, no, if I-, I could ask you a straight question.
DEREK:
Certainly, of course.
CLIVE:
Could we have for the-, for the viewers point of view, and for the listener's point of view a straightforward fart.
DEREK:
You'd like a straightforward fart. Yes, well, hold on a second would you, please?
CLIVE:
One of the farts that comes straight forward .....
DEREK:
One of the f-
CLIVE:
..... which is difficult to do because most of them come straight backwards.
DEREK:
Yes, of course, er, one, it's certainly-, you have to be a c-, a little double-jointed but I'll see what I can do.
(no discernable noise)
Did you c- (laughs) did you catch that one?
CLIVE:
That was a very good fart and one of the best I've ever heard and, er, .....
DEREK:
Now, of course-, I'm limbering up now, of course. That's what I'd normally start my act with, er, slightly off-mic.
CLIVE:
But could you give us a really big, what you might call, umm, a fart-t .....
DEREK:
What? a show-stopper?
CLIVE:
A show-stopper.
DEREK:
Yes, certainly, of course, certainly.
CLIVE:
One that should enable the audience to leave the auditorium without any trouble at all.
DEREK:
Certainly. Most of them get carried away, as it were. Here we go.
bbbbrrrp-bbbBBRRRRPPP- OWW!! BBRPPHHH-BRPHH-BRRPP-PP-PP-PP-PP-PP-PPRRPP
I'm sorry. There's, er, there's a certain amount of, er, .....
CLIVE:
Now, I believe that was one of your well known 'liquid farts' .....
DEREK:
That was a liquid fart, er .....
CLIVE:
..... in which we see absolute shit stream down you.
DEREK:
That is, of course, where the, er, the normal-
CLIVE:
Could you give us, could you give us, for the more squeamish amongst us, the, er, what is known as the, the, the 'dry fart'.
DEREK:
Certainly, of course, of course. Well, it's not very impressive, of course. It's a more sophisticated audience. It depends where I'm playing ..... (laughs) If I'm playing the Al-
CLIVE:
The 'dry fart' for Barry, Marry-, Barry McDermott.
DEREK:
Barry McDermott and all the cancer patients in, er, the Glamorgan testicle ward.
CLIVE:
Ward three.
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
Well, that's a very poor fart indeed. I-, I-, I- .....
DEREK:
I forgot to tell you it was a silent one.
CLIVE:
A silent fart.
DEREK:
Yes, a silent fart.
CLIVE:
Well, all can say to Barry is, um, keep up the good work .....
DEREK:
Thank you, Bruce.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, it's nice to be in town with you.
DEREK:
What's-
CLIVE:
In the meantime, um, .....
DEREK:
Well I-, can I leave you with, er, .....
CLIVE:
Err .....
DEREK:
..... one of my specialities, ah, that I'd normally, er, end the first, er, the first half with.
CLIVE:
The first act ends with, um, .....
DEREK:
With, er, .....
phh-bbbb-BBBRRRRRRPPPPPP