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Derek & Clive -
"Having A Wank"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
I was having a wank the other night,
CLIVE:
Mmm.
DEREK:
I was down in the living room .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... having a wank, er, the, the telly was on .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er,
CLIVE:
What did you use to arouse you?
DEREK:
What did? ..... er,
CLIVE:
What, visual stimuli? Or .....
DEREK:
Yeah, I had the television on .....
CLIVE:
What, what,
DEREK:
..... but I wasn't looking at it.
CLIVE:
Oh, I see, just,
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
Just the .....
DEREK:
I had a toilet roll which I'd greased out,
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And I had my knob in it.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And, er, I plugged it into, er, into the train set. And, er, you know, I put the train set on and every time it went over the junction, you know .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Ter-, terrific vibes.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And, erm, I was just about to cum .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And, er, Dolly came down the stairs.
CLIVE:
What, the wife?
DEREK:
Yeah. Opened the door, she said, "Err, what you doin' Derek?" I said, "Er, oh, I feel te-, I've got a migraine .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er, the doctor told me to stick my knob in a toilet roll if I got a migraine."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And, er, you know, er, she said, "Oh darling, I'm sorry, I'll make you a cup of tea."
CLIVE:
Oh, so she didn't suss that you were .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... actually having a wank.
DEREK:
So, anyway, she went out .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and I was just, as I say, I was just getting my load off, and it went all over the train set and everything, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... she came back in, she said, "What's that on the train set?"
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "That? I just spilled my medicine, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... I've fucking spilled my medicine .....
CLIVE:
That, yeah, yeah.
DEREK:
..... on the train set." And, er, so she scooped it up .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and I had to fucking drink it!
CLIVE:
Oh no.
DEREK:
But I felt, funnily enough I felt much better when I drank it.
CLIVE:
Your migraine went, did it?
DEREK:
My migraine went completely.
CLIVE:
What, you, talking about migraines, er, I was having, er, well, what was basically my nine o'clock Wednesday wank. Well .....
DEREK:
What, morning or afternoon?
CLIVE:
No, no, no, evening wank!
DEREK:
Evening wank!
CLIVE:
Evening wank. And, er .....
DEREK:
You don't have a nine o'clock mo-, a.m. wank?
CLIVE:
Not, well, I don't ..... it's down in my diary, but I don't normally, just .....
DEREK:
You hardly ever, it's just really a, that's really, er, .....
CLIVE:
That's an "optional".
DEREK:
Optional, right, yeah.
CLIVE:
Yeah. But I was having my nine in the evening wank, you know, and Audrey is usually out, er, selling pins about that time of night, you know.
DEREK:
(giggles)
CLIVE:
She sells these pins to people, er, that's what she says in any case .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and who am I to doubt it?
DEREK:
Right. The fact .....
CLIVE:
And so I thought I was alone in the house .....
DEREK:
..... the fact she comes home with her hair matted with spunk is, you know, not really .....
CLIVE:
Well .....
DEREK:
..... here or there.
CLIVE:
No, that's part of the pin-selling business.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
And, er, I was having, you know, a reasonable, a reasonable wank. I won't say it was, you know, "out of this world" because it wasn't, I was a .....
DEREK:
Just a, you know, run of the mill .....
CLIVE:
..... run of the, run of the mill, er, wank.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
'Cause I had this picture of, er, Clement Attlee up on the, er, windowsill, and I'd, er, drawn in a huge, er, .....
DEREK:
Moustache?
CLIVE:
..... moustache .....
DEREK:
Mmm, gawd.
CLIVE:
..... on his, on his, on his, you know, on his, .....
DEREK:
On his chin.
CLIVE:
..... on his chin. And, er, I was getting really excited, you know, 'cause Attlee with a moustache on his chin is .....
DEREK:
Awww, fuckin' 'ell, mate.
CLIVE:
..... is a turn on at the best of times, inhe?
DEREK:
Oh, what?
CLIVE:
"Clem the Gem", they didn't call him that for nothing.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Biggest fucking sex symbol this country ever fucking produced.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
But! Anyway! I was wanking away and, frankly, I was going slightly berserk, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Clinging onto things, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... jerking all round the room, pulling down all the furniture and fittings, and, er, grabbing hold of the carpet and being sick in the ashtrays, you know, really having a .....
DEREK:
Well .....
CLIVE:
..... a good .....
DEREK:
..... a run of the mill .....
CLIVE:
..... run of the mill Wednesday nine o'clock wank. In comes the last person I expect: Audrey. Got back early from selling her pins.
DEREK:
Oh, fucking hell.
CLIVE:
And she said, "'ere, Clive, what you doing?"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And I said, "Audrey, love .....
DEREK:
(giggles)
CLIVE:
..... I am acting under instructions. There are fourteen members of the Russian secret police positioned around the room disguised as wallpaper. With guns pointing at my head. And they have ordered me to finger my private parts continuously for the next hour, otherwise they'll shoot me."
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
And she, you know, understood the situation and, er, well, .....
DEREK:
L- .....
CLIVE:
..... swallowed it, yeah.
DEREK:
Funny you should say that 'cause I went home to tea, last, er, last Tuesday, saw my Mum, you know - she went over there to get a cup of tea, and, er, I thought, "I'll have a wank while she's getting it done", you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Er, 'cause I like a wank, you know.
CLIVE:
Well, you had a bit o-, you thought it'd take her about five minutes .....
DEREK:
Five minutes .....
CLIVE:
..... to brew.
DEREK:
..... to brew, I thought, you know, .....
CLIVE:
"Have a four and a half minute wank." Why not? W-why not? It's a free fucking country, init?
DEREK:
Right! Exactly. So I got, er, I got the old knobber out, you know, and .....
CLIVE:
You got your old one out, did you?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I thought you were running in the new one?
DEREK:
No, no, no, not yet. I'm saving that.
CLIVE:
Oh, I see.
DEREK:
And, I was, you know, really sort of smacking away, and, er, I had a photograph of my Dad there, you know, and that really gets me going, as you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
So, anyway, I was just, er, just cumming over his face, you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Fucking door opens, my Mum comes in with the tea .....
CLIVE:
Oh no.
DEREK:
She said, "What are you doing, Derek?" I said, er, "All right", I said, "All right, now you have to know the truth: I've got cancer of the knob .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and I have to get this pus out every day. Every day I have to get this pus out." And, er, she said, "Well what's, what's it doing all over Dad's picture?"
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, er, .....
CLIVE:
That's a bit of a poser for you.
DEREK:
I said, "Well, I have to face due North, you see .....
CLIVE:
Oh yeah!
DEREK:
..... when I'm wanking - I MEAN! - when I'm getting the pus out." Made a slip, you see. She didn't notice 'cause, er, she farted at that moment and covered the word "wanking". She said, "What did you say?" I said, "When I'm, erm, 'thinking'." So, er, then I said, er, "I've, I have to face due North because it's something to do with the poles."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
So, you know, nothing was said, and she said, "Oh," she said, "I didn't know you had cancer of the knob."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "Yeah, I've had it for years."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "It's only a matter of time ..... it's only a matter of time."
CLIVE:
I expect, 'xpect she broke down and, er, wept, didn't she?
DEREK:
No, no, no, she's an 'ard bitch.
CLIVE:
What'd she say? Just - ignore it?
DEREK:
She said, er, yeah, she said, "Ignore it, it'll go away."
CLIVE:
Mmm.
DEREK:
And she was quite right - it's gone away.
CLIVE:
What, y-, your old knob?
DEREK:
No, the cancer.
CLIVE:
Oh, the cancer's gone, has it?
DEREK:
Yeah. I haven't got cancer anymore.
CLIVE:
No, that's a story you made up for your Mum. You had wanking, you were going, you didn't say you had cancer.
DEREK:
Oh. Did-, oh. Oh, I didn't-, I don't have cancer of the knob?
CLIVE:
No. No, that's just a story you made up for your Mum who found you were wanking, you know.
DEREK:
Oh, I forgot.
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, I've got an even worse memory than you.
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
Yeah. I-I-In fact, I've probably got the worst, I've got the worst memory and I've got the worst diseases and I've suffered more than anybody else in the whole fucking world.
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
Like last night, for example, I .....
DEREK:
Last night? When was that? I don't remember.
CLIVE:
Well, tomorrow morning I'm not planning on anything at all. But I didn't get to sleep at all, and I had this terrible pain, er, it crippled me, you know, I was weeping and shouting and crying and I had the worst night that anyone, anybody's ever had.
DEREK:
What, last night?
CLIVE:
When?
DEREK:
Thi- this morning?
CLIVE:
Who you talking about?
DEREK:
Well you, you just said you had a rotten night last night. Did, don't you remember saying that?
CLIVE:
No, I had a terrible night last night.
DEREK:
No. You had a, oh, you had a bad night last night.
CLIVE:
Not, I won't, what, yeah, terrible.
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
Do you want to hear about it?
DEREK:
No, I w- I was going to tell you about my night 'cause I had a, I, I, I, I didn't sleep at all last ..... last week. I, I haven't slept for days now. But I .....
CLIVE:
But, no, I, I
DEREK:
I was in such pain. I was in SUCH pain that, er, Dolly had to, er, er, shut me up in a room, you know we've got this sound-proof room we normally keep the lit-, the boy in there.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
'Cause we don't like to hear him screaming. And, er, so I was in there. And I was, you know, I had, er, 'cause I, I got this, er, cancer.
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, I've got, er, cancer of every part of the body, and, er, I haven't slept ever. In my life, I've never, never slept at all.
DEREK:
Erm, you ne-, aww .....
CLIVE:
I've never been asleep .....
DEREK:
No, it's funny you should say that.
CLIVE:
..... so I've suffered more than anyone in the world.
DEREK:
Yeah? Yeah, well, I s'pose, yeah. I've, I've, erm, I, I've never s-, I've, course, yeah, just like me!
CLIVE:
What?
DEREK:
Exactly the same as-, it's funny you should have said that!
CLIVE:
What?
DEREK:
It's exact-, well, .....
CLIVE:
No, mine's worse than yours.
DEREK:
I've got cancer of everything and I've got cancer of my wife as well.
CLIVE:
I've got cancer of the mortgage. And the house, and got cancer of the garden. I've got cancer of the season ticket.
DEREK:
I've got cancer of the universe, mate.
CLIVE:
I've got cancer of .....
DEREK:
I've got .....
CLIVE:
..... of the cosmos.
DEREK:
I've got .....
CLIVE:
And what's more, .....
DEREK:
..... of the p- .....
CLIVE:
..... I, I had canc-, I w-, I had cancer before you were born.
DEREK:
I have never been born. I'm not, I don't, I, I, I've never been here .....
CLIVE:
Me neither.
DEREK:
..... and I've got cancer of that, too. I .....
CLIVE:
I've got cancer of not ever being born.
DEREK:
I've got ..... I've got .....
CLIVE:
I've got cancer of never having existed in my fucking life.
DEREK:
I've got cancer of, of n-, of never be-, being in the, in the scheme of things, ever.
CLIVE:
I, I, I've, I've never even been planned by anyone.
DEREK:
I ..... the word is meaningless. The w- ..... I .....
CLIVE:
And I've, I've got cancer of the word "meaningless". I've got cancer of .....
DEREK:
I ..... I've got cancer of nothing.
CLIVE:
I've got cancer of ..... I've got .....
DEREK:
I've got cancer of infinitely, the infinitesimal nothing.
CLIVE:
I've got cancer of zero.
DEREK:
I ..... I got ..... I .....
CLIVE:
I've got cancer so enormous that people can't even see it. I've got cancer and I've never been in existence. Ever.
DEREK:
I've got cancer and I've never been in existence ever and I don't know who I'm talking about because I, I, I've .....
CLIVE:
I have no idea who I'm talking ..... 'cause I've never, I, I've no- ne-, I've never heard of who your talking about.
DEREK:
I've got cancer of, I've got cancer of never, of not being talked, of never being talked about.
CLIVE:
I've never been heard to speak in my life. I've got cancer of never being heard .....
DEREK:
What you've just heard, what you've just heard you haven't heard 'cause I never said it 'cause I don't exist to say it. I'VE GOT CANCER OF THAT!
CLIVE:
I've never been heard in my life. Nobody, no-, nobody heard what, nobody, nobody heard what I said 'cause I haven't ever said anything 'cause I've never been born.
DEREK:
Yeah, but everything you said, I've got cancer of.
CLIVE:
No, I haven't.
DEREK:
O-, no, I have.
CLIVE:
Oh, I forget these things.
DEREK:
What things?
CLIVE:
You know.
DEREK:
Oh.
CLIVE:
I've got cancer of ..... I don't know.
DEREK:
Oh.
CLIVE:
And it's very, very painful. And I've never heard anything, or ever been born, or seen anyone, or done anything.
DEREK:
So have I.