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Derek & Clive -
"I Saw This Bloke"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
I saw this bloke the other day.
CLIVE:
No, did you?
DEREK:
Did I tell you?
CLIVE:
No! You d- .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
No, you didn't, I don't fucking b- ..... don't come that with me!
DEREK:
No, really, I know .....
CLIVE:
You saw this bloke the other day?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
You don't expect me to believe that, do you?
DEREK:
I don't, no, I don't.
CLIVE:
Oh, that's outrageous that is.
DEREK:
What, I know.
CLIVE:
That's outrageous.
DEREK:
Yeah, but .....
CLIVE:
You saw this bloke the other day! Ha ha!
DEREK:
No, It's true an' all, it's true.
CLIVE:
Oh, come off it, you cunt!
DEREK:
Yeah, huh huh huh.
CLIVE:
"Saw this bloke the other day", you cunt!
DEREK:
I saw him. I saw him.
CLIVE:
Course you didn't, you never saw a bloke the other day.
DEREK:
I saw him.
CLIVE:
How could you have done?
DEREK:
I don't know. That's what .....
CLIVE:
Well, all right .....
DEREK:
..... that's what I, that's what, er, defied, er, er, description .....
CLIVE:
All right.
DEREK:
I saw him and I don't know how! I don't know how I saw him, but I saw him! I was going along the street and I saw this bloke.
CLIVE:
Yeah, no, come on, what proof have you fucking got that you saw this bloke.
DEREK:
I got no proof. All right, no, .....
CLIVE:
What, what, what proof, what proof have you got?
DEREK:
I've got no proof, mate.
CLIVE:
What proof?
DEREK:
Just .....
CLIVE:
Well, without proof there's no fucking point in talking, is there?
DEREK:
Well, there is .....
CLIVE:
I can prove that I'm here 'cause I've got a witness.
DEREK:
Who?
CLIVE:
You!
DEREK:
I ..... where are you?
CLIVE:
I'm here, cunt! Can't you see me? Cuh ..... You talk about some bloke you saw the other day .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Yeah, O.K., you've seen a bloke, have you? So what's so good about that?
DEREK:
Nothing. Nothing, I .....
CLIVE:
What's so interesting about this particular story?
DEREK:
There's noth-, I just wanted to tell you, I saw this bloke.
CLIVE:
You saw a bloke, er, er, you saw a bloke, you saw a bloke, so, so what, so, you saw him. So what happened?
DEREK:
Nothing happened.
CLIVE:
Any happier? You any happier? You feeling better for seeing this bloke? Course you aren't!
DEREK:
I didn't say I'd feel better.
CLIVE:
WHY RAISE IT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE THEN?!
DEREK:
I thought you might be interested.
CLIVE:
I wasn't in the least interested! I was sitting here quietly wanking.
DEREK:
How would I know?
CLIVE:
How would you know? By fucking intuition, mate! Can't you have something intuitive?
DEREK:
All right, I saw this, this, this woman.
CLIVE:
That's better.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Now you're talking.