Derek & Clive -
"I Saw This Bloke"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:

I saw this bloke the other day.

CLIVE:

No, did you?

DEREK:

Did I tell you?

CLIVE:

No! You d- .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

No, you didn't, I don't fucking b- ..... don't come that with me!

DEREK:

No, really, I know .....

CLIVE:

You saw this bloke the other day?

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

You don't expect me to believe that, do you?

DEREK:

I don't, no, I don't.

CLIVE:

Oh, that's outrageous that is.

DEREK:

What, I know.

CLIVE:

That's outrageous.

DEREK:

Yeah, but .....

CLIVE:

You saw this bloke the other day! Ha ha!

DEREK:

No, It's true an' all, it's true.

CLIVE:

Oh, come off it, you cunt!

DEREK:

Yeah, huh huh huh.

CLIVE:

"Saw this bloke the other day", you cunt!

DEREK:

I saw him. I saw him.

CLIVE:

Course you didn't, you never saw a bloke the other day.

DEREK:

I saw him.

CLIVE:

How could you have done?

DEREK:

I don't know. That's what .....

CLIVE:

Well, all right .....

DEREK:

..... that's what I, that's what, er, defied, er, er, description .....

CLIVE:

All right.

DEREK:

I saw him and I don't know how! I don't know how I saw him, but I saw him! I was going along the street and I saw this bloke.

CLIVE:

Yeah, no, come on, what proof have you fucking got that you saw this bloke.

DEREK:

I got no proof. All right, no, .....

CLIVE:

What, what, what proof, what proof have you got?

DEREK:

I've got no proof, mate.

CLIVE:

What proof?

DEREK:

Just .....

CLIVE:

Well, without proof there's no fucking point in talking, is there?

DEREK:

Well, there is .....

CLIVE:

I can prove that I'm here 'cause I've got a witness.

DEREK:

Who?

CLIVE:

You!

DEREK:

I ..... where are you?

CLIVE:

I'm here, cunt! Can't you see me? Cuh ..... You talk about some bloke you saw the other day .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Yeah, O.K., you've seen a bloke, have you? So what's so good about that?

DEREK:

Nothing. Nothing, I .....

CLIVE:

What's so interesting about this particular story?

DEREK:

There's noth-, I just wanted to tell you, I saw this bloke.

CLIVE:

You saw a bloke, er, er, you saw a bloke, you saw a bloke, so, so what, so, you saw him. So what happened?

DEREK:

Nothing happened.

CLIVE:

Any happier? You any happier? You feeling better for seeing this bloke? Course you aren't!

DEREK:

I didn't say I'd feel better.

CLIVE:

WHY RAISE IT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE THEN?!

DEREK:

I thought you might be interested.

CLIVE:

I wasn't in the least interested! I was sitting here quietly wanking.

DEREK:

How would I know?

CLIVE:

How would you know? By fucking intuition, mate! Can't you have something intuitive?

DEREK:

All right, I saw this, this, this woman.

CLIVE:

That's better.

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

Now you're talking.