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Derek & Clive -
"Parking Offence"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:
I had, er, another bad day yesterday 'cause I got, erm, I got nicked for speeding in the toilet. Er, I's cumming at about forty miles an hour 'cause, you know, I's dyin' for a piss.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And this attendant nicked me for speeding.
DEREK:
Tch!
CLIVE:
So I told him, you know, that, er, the reason I was going so fast was that I 'ad, er, I had a, er, metallic penis and that th-, there was-, there was a magnet on the urinal which drew me towards it at an un-, unnatural speed.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And he said, "All right then, where's the magnet?" So, naturally I had to, you know, grope around the urinal .....
DEREK:
But you found one, of course.
CLIVE:
Well, I had one in my pocket.
DEREK:
Oh, right.
CLIVE:
So I diverted his attention by hitting him in the eye with a toilet roll, and said, "Oh! There's the magnet!" You know, pulled it out from my pocket.
DEREK:
Right, right.
CLIVE:
Then he said, "O.K., where's your metallic knob?" I said, "Look, mate, I'm not a homosexual," I said .....
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
..... "And the fact that my knob is made of bits of Meccano is none of your business." And so, you know, he let the whole thing, er, pass, but it was, it, it was a narrow-, a narrow miss.
DEREK:
Well I was, er, a-hem, I was out in, er, in the, err, in the road- ..... -my car, you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And, er, I-, I had it on this meter for about four days, you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And the warden came up to me, said, "I'm giving you a ticket." I said, "You can't give me a ticket, mate."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "You jus-, you can't give me a ticket," I said, er, "I'm blind."
CLIVE:
Oh, yeah!
DEREK:
You know.
CLIVE:
That, that, that's good.
DEREK:
So, errr, I-, he said, "Well, that's neither here nor there." I said, "What do you mean? It's right here with me." So he sai-, I sai-, I said, "I don't know what you said anyway, I'm deaf."
CLIVE:
Ahhh!
DEREK:
You know.
CLIVE:
You said you were deaf and blind?
DEREK:
Right, so .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... that got him a bit puzzled. Then he said, er, he said, "Well," he said, "how come you're driving a car and you're blind and deaf?" I said, "I can't answer that, I'm dumb."
CLIVE:
Ah, that put him his place, yeah.
DEREK:
Put him in his fucking place, he walked off with his head bowed.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
You know.
CLIVE:
With his tail between his knees.
DEREK:
Right. And, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah. He gave me a ticket though.
CLIVE:
Oh, fuckin' .....
DEREK:
Fucking cunt. They try it on, don't they?
CLIVE:
People try so much on! Don't they? Don't they?
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, fucking try it on, mate.
CLIVE:
I ran over a woman the other day .....
DEREK:
Oh yeah?
CLIVE:
..... and, er, on the mo- motorcycle actually.
DEREK:
Oh, nice.
CLIVE:
And in doing-, ye-, she-, I mean, it was her fault .....
DEREK:
W'th' f- .....
CLIVE:
..... 'cause she was just attracting attention 'cause she .....
DEREK:
Walking across the road, right?
CLIVE:
No, er, er, no, she .....
DEREK:
With a stick?
CLIVE:
A pedestrian crossing, with a stick, yeah.
DEREK:
Aaa- fucking stick, cunt.
CLIVE:
She was lit up .....
DEREK:
Yea-h-h-h-h.
CLIVE:
..... in the glow of the Belisha beacon.
DEREK:
Right, you're bound to hit her, 'int you? Seeing as-
CLIVE:
Could scarcely miss her!
DEREK:
See as- bright as that.
CLIVE:
's-, a-, bright as that. And, er, motorcycle ripped straight up her and the, er, the exhaust caught her knickers and, er, burned them, you know, and charred her round the, you know, the doo-dah .....
DEREK:
Round the toilet area
CLIVE:
..... round th-, er-, er- toilet area.
DEREK:
Cunt, right.
CLIVE:
So naturally I stooped down to rape her.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And this, er, policeman came up and said, "'ere! Er, stop that! .....
DEREK:
No-o-o
CLIVE:
..... What are you doing?"
DEREK:
What a cunt!
CLIVE:
I said, "I-, I am a war veteran .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... I'm trying to, er, gain some publicity for the deprived."
DEREK:
Yeah, I ran over, er-er, maybe it was the same lady .....
CLIVE:
What-, wh-, sh- .....
DEREK:
She was-, she was just coming out of the hospital .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... with a lot of bandages on, going across the pedestrian crossing.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Er, I think it must have been the same lady.
CLIVE:
'b- 'bout seventy-five?
DEREK:
That's right, yeah.
CLIVE:
White hair?
DEREK:
That's right, big tits. And, er, I ripped right through her with the 'cycle, you know.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
So-o, and she gave me the same trouble.
CLIVE:
What?
DEREK:
You know, fucking exhaust, I don't know how it got in her knickers but, you know, er, it got there, exhaust. And, erm, er, I's, you know, policeman came up, probably the same bloke. He said, "I-," he said, "Er-r-r, couple of days ago some bloke ran this woman down and, er, started to try and rape her, just the way you're doing."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "Well, aren't y-." I said, "Are you getting the fucking message then??" I said, "Aren't you getting some, I-, er-, aren't you twigging something here, officer?"
CLIVE:
Yeah. "Can't you see what's afoot?"
DEREK:
"Can't you see what's going on here officer?" I said, "If you can't-, if you, if you haven't got the gumption to see what's going on," I said, "then you can fuck off out the force."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
So, he, err, he took my point. And, er, led me by the point to the police station. Put it on the table. They finger-printed it, of course, all their hands all over my knob .....
CLIVE:
Oh, gawd help us!
DEREK:
..... for about four hours.
CLIVE:
Shocking.
DEREK:
And, err-
CLIVE:
Look. I used to think this country .....
DEREK:
(clears throat)
CLIVE:
..... was a land of opportunity.
DEREK:
Oh, fuck that, mate! No!
CLIVE:
And now, .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... it is turned into a, a Gestapo khasi.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
One officer come up to me and he said, "Look! Your motor's weaving all over the k-, all over the road!" I said, "What d'you expect? I'm pissed out of me head!" I said, "Fuck me! Can't you see that? I've got four empty bottles of scotch in the fucking motor .....
DEREK:
What you've-
CLIVE:
..... I'm swigging a bottle scotch now, .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... can't you understand why I'm swerving about?"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
'c'se I'm fucking drunk, y' cunt!
DEREK:
Yeah! What a cunt, eh?
CLIVE:
He arrested me. Do you what technicality he got me on?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
Murder.
DEREK:
Oh, fucking hell.