Derek & Clive -
"Members Only"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:

Nnh-nh, excuse me.

CLIVE:

Yes?

DEREK:

I-, I seem to recognise you.

CLIVE:

Yes, I think we've met before.

DEREK:

You have met with me, nice to see you.

CLIVE:

Are you the person who, erm, made love to me in Pensby four years ago?

DEREK:

Yes, that's right, yes, you remember.

CLIVE:

Yes, I have medical- .....

DEREK:

I talked .....

CLIVE:

...... I have medical reports to show.

DEREK:

Yes, I remember. And talking of 'member', I wonder if I could, er, jostle your member memory and, erm, prevail .....

CLIVE:

I'd like to make something quite clear from the, erm, from the outset.

DEREK:

I like to make something quite queer from you.

CLIVE:

Er, let me put it this way: although we are liberated in these days .....

DEREK:

Ng-hmm.

CLIVE:

..... it is still not, er, fashionable to be, erm, out of the, um, .....

DEREK:

You're lost, aren't you?

CLIVE:

..... closet.

DEREK:

Oh, out of the closet, Well, you are lost then, aren't you, if you're out of the closet.

CLIVE:

No, I'm still not out of the closet. Umm, although I recognise your feelings towards my, er, .....

DEREK:

I recognise your knnnnnoobbbbb.

CLIVE:

No, you never saw my knob. That was a facsimilie .....

DEREK:

A beautiful knob with that purple glistening helmet. (cough! cough! cough! cough!) Excuse me.

CLIVE:

I'm sorry, I coughed.

DEREK:

No, that was me.

CLIVE:

Ah. I'm very sorry, I mistook you for me.

DEREK:

I'm sorry I coughed, I have a pubic hair down there from, er, royal personage. Ah-h-hem. I won't go into details.

CLIVE:

Well, let me put it this way .....

DEREK:

Put it any way you like, darling. Preferably here. (sniggers)

CLIVE:

I-, I-, I'm very interested in meeting you and your sort.

DEREK:

You've met me, and here I am.

CLIVE:

But, on the other hand .....

DEREK:

No, preferably this hand.

CLIVE:

..... there are certain conditions, and, um, .....

DEREK:

Oh, conditions monditions.

CLIVE:

..... subscription memberships which we have to earn, too.

DEREK:

Oh, yes.

CLIVE:

I am a private club.

DEREK:

You're a private club?

CLIVE:

Yes. I can only admit one member .....

DEREK:

Nnnnnhhhhhh-ohhhhhh.

CLIVE:

I can only admit one member a day.

DEREK:

Nnnnnhhhhhh-ohhhhhhhhhhhh does that mean-, I-, I-, have you ..... ?

CLIVE:

You're admitted.

DEREK:

I'm admitted? Oh-h-h. Well, um, if you'd just like to wrap your cock in a ten pound note I'd be very satisfied.

CLIVE:

Would you like to die with me?

DEREK:

Yeah, ohhhh, sirrrr-uh-huh-huh.

CLIVE:

(throaty gargle)

DEREK:

I can feel it coming on. I think .....

CLIVE:

You must be with somebody else.

DEREK:

No, I'm having a heart attack, oh yes. Everything's getting a bit blurry, um, .....

CLIVE:

Are you dying?

DEREK:

I'm feeling something furry. Oh God, the pain-n-n-n-n-n.

CLIVE:

What's it like to die?

DEREK:

Well, hold on a moment and I'll-, ah-ah-ahhhh, it's not-, not as bad as it-, not as bad as you might think.

CLIVE:

It's not as bad as it's made out to be.

DEREK:

But not as good, either. I'll tell you what I'm afraid of.

CLIVE:

What's that?

DEREK:

Absolutely everything.

CLIVE:

Goodnight darling.

DEREK:

Goodnight my darling.