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Derek & Clive -
"Members Only"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
Nnh-nh, excuse me.
CLIVE:
Yes?
DEREK:
I-, I seem to recognise you.
CLIVE:
Yes, I think we've met before.
DEREK:
You have met with me, nice to see you.
CLIVE:
Are you the person who, erm, made love to me in Pensby four years ago?
DEREK:
Yes, that's right, yes, you remember.
CLIVE:
Yes, I have medical- .....
DEREK:
I talked .....
CLIVE:
...... I have medical reports to show.
DEREK:
Yes, I remember. And talking of 'member', I wonder if I could, er, jostle your member memory and, erm, prevail .....
CLIVE:
I'd like to make something quite clear from the, erm, from the outset.
DEREK:
I like to make something quite queer from you.
CLIVE:
Er, let me put it this way: although we are liberated in these days .....
DEREK:
Ng-hmm.
CLIVE:
..... it is still not, er, fashionable to be, erm, out of the, um, .....
DEREK:
You're lost, aren't you?
CLIVE:
..... closet.
DEREK:
Oh, out of the closet, Well, you are lost then, aren't you, if you're out of the closet.
CLIVE:
No, I'm still not out of the closet. Umm, although I recognise your feelings towards my, er, .....
DEREK:
I recognise your knnnnnoobbbbb.
CLIVE:
No, you never saw my knob. That was a facsimilie .....
DEREK:
A beautiful knob with that purple glistening helmet. (cough! cough! cough! cough!) Excuse me.
CLIVE:
I'm sorry, I coughed.
DEREK:
No, that was me.
CLIVE:
Ah. I'm very sorry, I mistook you for me.
DEREK:
I'm sorry I coughed, I have a pubic hair down there from, er, royal personage. Ah-h-hem. I won't go into details.
CLIVE:
Well, let me put it this way .....
DEREK:
Put it any way you like, darling. Preferably here. (sniggers)
CLIVE:
I-, I-, I'm very interested in meeting you and your sort.
DEREK:
You've met me, and here I am.
CLIVE:
But, on the other hand .....
DEREK:
No, preferably this hand.
CLIVE:
..... there are certain conditions, and, um, .....
DEREK:
Oh, conditions monditions.
CLIVE:
..... subscription memberships which we have to earn, too.
DEREK:
Oh, yes.
CLIVE:
I am a private club.
DEREK:
You're a private club?
CLIVE:
Yes. I can only admit one member .....
DEREK:
Nnnnnhhhhhh-ohhhhhh.
CLIVE:
I can only admit one member a day.
DEREK:
Nnnnnhhhhhh-ohhhhhhhhhhhh does that mean-, I-, I-, have you ..... ?
CLIVE:
You're admitted.
DEREK:
I'm admitted? Oh-h-h. Well, um, if you'd just like to wrap your cock in a ten pound note I'd be very satisfied.
CLIVE:
Would you like to die with me?
DEREK:
Yeah, ohhhh, sirrrr-uh-huh-huh.
CLIVE:
(throaty gargle)
DEREK:
I can feel it coming on. I think .....
CLIVE:
You must be with somebody else.
DEREK:
No, I'm having a heart attack, oh yes. Everything's getting a bit blurry, um, .....
CLIVE:
Are you dying?
DEREK:
I'm feeling something furry. Oh God, the pain-n-n-n-n-n.
CLIVE:
What's it like to die?
DEREK:
Well, hold on a moment and I'll-, ah-ah-ahhhh, it's not-, not as bad as it-, not as bad as you might think.
CLIVE:
It's not as bad as it's made out to be.
DEREK:
But not as good, either. I'll tell you what I'm afraid of.
CLIVE:
What's that?
DEREK:
Absolutely everything.
CLIVE:
Goodnight darling.
DEREK:
Goodnight my darling.