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Derek & Clive -
"Valerie's Hymen"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:
What's that? It's, it's a dead .....
DEREK:
That's a .....
CLIVE:
..... dead cow, init?
DEREK:
No, it's Valerie's, er, a-hem .....
CLIVE:
Hymen?
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
Well, it's massive if that's a hymen. Looks like a slice of cold beef to me.
DEREK:
No, no, it's her hymen.
CLIVE:
Well, w-when'd she lose it?
DEREK:
Last night. It's been fourteen years now. I've finally persuaded her, you know, it's about time.
CLIVE:
Erm, wha- what did you use? Sort of, soft lights and, er, music?
DEREK:
I used an electric knife - electric carving knife.
CLIVE:
What, you used a knife on her to .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... to get at the hymen.
DEREK:
Well, you know, she's been, er, .....
CLIVE:
You tried all the sweet talk, had you, and, erm, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, well ..... (laughs)
CLIVE:
Hadn't worked, like, y'know.
DEREK:
No, I was, you know, getting a bit restless, you know.
CLIVE:
Well, you do. What time of night was this? Er .....
DEREK:
Ooh, it was about four in the morning and I was gettin' about it.
CLIVE:
Four in the morning, yeah.
DEREK:
You know, I said, "Fifteen years of marriage and you've still got your hymen," I said, "there's something, there's something on the rocks in this marriage."
CLIVE:
Well, it's, it's not a-, it's not a marriage, you know, which has been, er, constipated, has it?
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
It's not been properly done if you've not, you know, put your knob up that place.
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
'cause you know I was going to say you can get a divorce on the grounds of, erm, confiscation, you know, of the article. You just go to the local vicar and say, "Look, er, you know, I've not had me knob up Vera's cunt yet and I'd like a divorce," and, er, he writes it down automatic - goes straight through to Tescos, gets filed and you're a free man. And you can go, you know, anywhere you like, like: Fiji, or anywhere.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
That's under the law, Marital Act of 1840.
DEREK:
Well, I've got this as prima-facie evidence.
CLIVE:
What, her, her hymen?
DEREK:
Yeah. 's still .....
CLIVE:
But that's no evidence .....
DEREK:
..... it's still throbbing.
CLIVE:
..... that's not evidence on your behalf, you cunt. That shows you have had it.
DEREK:
Nah, nah .....
CLIVE:
You should bung it back in if you want to prove you haven't had it.
DEREK:
Yeah, I s'pose you're right.
CLIVE:
What's that evidence of? You've got it hanging there on your, on your thumb. You should bung it back in if you want a divorce on the grounds on non-consumation.
DEREK:
Yeah. Yeah, you're right, in'cha? (chuckles)