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Derek & Clive -
"Mother"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
Yes, oh, hello darling.
CLIVE:
Hello Mum.
DEREK:
Mm-mm.
CLIVE:
How are you?
DEREK:
I'm awfully well, thank you! Ye-es, come on in now, come out the cold!
CLIVE:
Thank you.
DEREK:
Ye-es, yes, yes, take your coat off.
CLIVE:
Thank you.
DEREK:
Put your pinny on, 'cause you know how you splash when you have a cup of tea. (makes farting noise) Oh-h, dear, mm-mm .....
CLIVE:
Er, Mummy .....
DEREK:
Since I've had the hysterectomy, you know, I feel a new woman but I've got this-, all this air keeps on coming out .....
CLIVE:
Mummy, er, .....
DEREK:
..... in handfuls. I said to the doctor, I said, "It's very embarrassing," I said, "I'm always blowing off!" UH-HURGH-Hu!! Oh-h-h, he did laugh!
CLIVE:
Has it .....
DEREK:
Kicked him in the bollocks. No, sorry darling, what were you saying?
CLIVE:
Well, you know I've been going to see a psychiatrist, erm .....
DEREK:
Yes, darling, I'm very worried about that.
CLIVE:
Well, it's perfectly all right .....
DEREK:
You see-, no, no, I'm very worri-, why are you going to a psd-mdst-nnsd-psnychiad- psee-chi-chiden-dnn-trinist?
CLIVE:
Well, it's just I've been feeling a bit depressed recently, but, thought he might be able to help me.
DEREK:
Ye-es. Why are you feeling depressed? You're a very happy boy. You've always been a happy boy. I can't see why you've been depressed, my darling.
CLIVE:
Well, mother, that's one of the things I-, I wanted to ask you, like, um, I can't really remember much about, you know, .....
DEREK:
Tch.
CLIVE:
..... when I was-, well, really up 'til I about the age of seven, and that's .....
DEREK:
Oh-h-h, oh-h.
CLIVE:
He asked me if I could ask you what, what .....
DEREK:
What's he want to know for? What's he want to know what, what, what happened when you were f- .....
CLIVE:
He just wants to get a sort of general picture of, of how I was brought up and what sort of child I was.
DEREK:
Ohh. You were a very happy child.
CLIVE:
Very happy?
DEREK:
Very happy child. Look, well, hold on, I'll get the photographs out of the drawer, I'll f- .....
(voice tails off, followed by lots of off-mic rummaging)
Owf! HOLD ON A MOMENT!!
Gg-gg-gr-rr-rrr. OWWW-HUW-HUWWW!!! 'Sc-, excuse me!
CLIVE:
Mother, if we could .....
DEREK:
Ca-ahhh!!
CLIVE:
..... just get back to the-, when I was, when I was very young .....
DEREK:
OHHhh-ho-ho! Yes, dear.
CLIVE:
..... I-, was I, was I a happy child? You say, you say was happy.
DEREK:
Oh-wf. Oww dear. Oh, 'scuse me. Gg-gg-gr-rr-rrr (laughs) oh-ho-ho, oh-ho, ohhh (laughs longer)
CLIVE:
Mother .....
DEREK:
(continues laughing) I'm sorry, dear, I've just had a vision. I remember your father when he went down in the toilet. Do you remember when he went- (laughs)
CLIVE:
I wasn't born when father went down the toilet, Mother. As I remember it from the newspaper clippings, you were, er, accused of throwing him down the toilet.
DEREK:
NO-THAT-WASN'T-TRUE!!! That was not true. I'd never touch your father in the toilet. I left his toilet area completely alone.
CLIVE:
Well, I just read .....
DEREK:
Never touched him there. No, anyway, coming back to you as a child. AARRGGGHHH!!! I was, erm-mm-, you were a very happy boy.
CLIVE:
Mmm.
DEREK:
I remember when you were born, you were born, you were born on Primrose Day. You were-, you presented me as your hot cross bun.
CLIVE:
Hm.
DEREK:
Ha-ha-ha! I said, "FUCK OFF!!" But, that was because I was hysterical. Sorry, dear.
CLIVE:
's quite all right, Mother.
DEREK:
Oh-h.
CLIVE:
You were saying, when I was born .....
DEREK:
Yes, when you were born you were a very happy boy. You were three stone nine ounces. And, er, you were a very healthy bouncing boy with a HU-, with a-, no. And, well, you had a normal childhood, erm .....
CLIVE:
Did I have many friends? I can't remember having any friends.
DEREK:
Oh, no, no, you didn't like people. No, you kept very much to your self. I disciplined you, you see. You, you had this, er, this huge wart - it had to be removed by degrees.
CLIVE:
Wh-, wh-, where did I have a wart, Mother?
DEREK:
Mm-mm, huh, ohh! You had it on your winkie. You had it on your little ticket. I used to call your, your, um, winkie your ticket. I said, "Let me punch your ticket!" and you never did. I punched it anyway. But, that was part of the discipline, 'cause I wanted you to know .....
CLIVE:
Yes, Mother, what did you want me to know?
DEREK:
(laughs) What it was like to feel pain.
CLIVE:
So you .....
DEREK:
Because I knew you were going to have a lot in this world! With this wart, on your ticket. And so I used to hit your ticket; I used to flick it. I used flick it with my nails. Rhythmically.
CLIVE:
You're absolutely sure that I-, I- .....
DEREK:
I think that's-, I think that's why you like music. I think that's why you like music. And why you often masturbate when you hear Elgar's first symphony.
CLIVE:
Mother, I don't masturbate when I hear Elgar's first symphony.
DEREK:
No-o, well, you've grown out of that, which is a shame. Y-, you used to-, that was the only thing you used to masturbate to, I wouldn't allow anything else. You once got, er, very attached to 'White Christmas' but I slapped that-, I THRASHED THAT OUT OF YOU!!
CLIVE:
Mother, could you tell me how I got on with, with Father in those early years?
DEREK:
Oh yeah, in those early years, your father, well, you didn't see much of your father 'cause your father worked for the Coal Board and he was, er, he was trapped in a mine for about ten years. No, I tell a lie, ten days. And, erm, when he came out he was, he was, he was a changed man. I think he'd seen ..... coal - or God - and, erm, (enormous belch), 'scuse me! erm, it's the hysterectomy, erm ..... I remember once he was carrying you down the stairs and you fell down the stairs .....
CLIVE:
I fell down the stairs?
DEREK:
Yes, .....
CLIVE:
Wh-
DEREK:
..... but! He protected you. He held you straight out in front of him to break his fall, and he, he fell with you on the, on the concrete. Head first, you went, head first on the concrete.
CLIVE:
Well, how, how old was I then, Mother?
DEREK:
Oh, about three weeks. Three weeks, but you didn't cry. 'Cause I didn't want you-, I didn't want you to shed a tear over something like that. I thought, you know, you've got so much pain ahead of you with the wart on your ticket. You had several major operations. You had .....
CLIVE:
I don't-
DEREK:
..... plasters on your ticket.
CLIVE:
I don't remember that at all, Mother.
DEREK:
About seven years .....
CLIVE:
Well, I .....
DEREK:
You don't remember that? Of course you don't remember that dear, you've buried it, you've buried it-t, you've buried it.
CLIVE:
But apart from this I-, I was happy?
DEREK:
Well, 'cause look at these photographs, you see you were a very happy boy.
CLIVE:
Mother, these are just three photographs of me smiling. That doesn't ..... really .....
DEREK:
Well, it was the .....
CLIVE:
..... prove anything.
DEREK:
Father had a gun to your head at the time and, er-. So they're a little forced but, you know .....
CLIVE:
Mother, I'm-, I think I'd better be getting off now .....
DEREK:
Yes, dear.
CLIVE:
..... to get home to ......
DEREK:
What you have to go already, do you?
CLIVE:
Yes, I think I've been here long enough.
DEREK:
Mmm, you've "been here long enough", I see.
CLIVE:
Yes, Mother, so I'll, I'll s-
DEREK:
Yes, well I've been here long enough too.
CLIVE:
I'll see you S-
DEREK:
I'VE BEEN HERE LONG ENOUGH!!
CLIVE:
Yes, Mother, I know that.
DEREK:
I'VE BEEN HERE QUITE LONG ENOUGH, THANK YOU!
CLIVE:
I'm, I'm not, not arguing with you, Mother.
DEREK:
NO, YOU'RE NOT!!
CLIVE:
I'll see-, I'll s-
DEREK:
YOU'RE NOT ARGUING WITH ME! YOU'RE NOT ARGUING WITH ME, MY BOY!!
CLIVE:
No, I'm not argu-
DEREK:
THAT'S THE LAST BLOODY THING YOU DO IN THIS HOUSE!!
CLIVE:
I, I wouldn't-
DEREK:
YOU WANT TO ARGUE WITH ME?
CLIVE:
I don't-, I'm not arguing with you mother.
DEREK:
NO! PLEASE DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!
CLIVE:
I'm just saying I'll be here for lunch next week, .....
DEREK:
PLEASE DON'T ARGUE WITH ME MY F-, MY SON.
CLIVE:
..... I'll be here on Sunday ay three o'clock
DEREK:
DON'T ARGUE!!
CLIVE:
I'll be here three o'clock on Sunday.
DEREK:
Oh, you will?
CLIVE:
Yes, I'll-
DEREK:
Well, I won't. I won't be here at three o'clock.
CLIVE:
Well, I-, I-, if you won't be here I won't come at three o'clock, Mother.
DEREK:
Oh, well if you don't I shall be very hurt. And you know what that does to me.
CLIVE:
Well, I know, Mother, you get very upse-
DEREK:
I'm going to have to bring out the wart and show you.
CLIVE:
Mother, I'll be, I'll be h-, I-
DEREK:
'Cause Dr. Bribe said I could keep it.
CLIVE:
I'll be here at three, Mother, to-, t-.
DEREK:
Did you know I've kept your wart?
CLIVE:
I didn't know you'd kept it, Mother, no.
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
I've never seen it.
DEREK:
Oh, yes you have.
CLIVE:
Well, I'll see you next Sunday at three.
DEREK:
I want to show you-, I think I'll show you your wart.
CLIVE:
I don't want to see it, Mother, I'll see you at three.
DEREK:
What does your ticket look like now without the wart?
CLIVE:
I-, don't call it a 'ticket', Mother, it's a-
DEREK:
Why don't you call it a ticket? I called it a ticket .....
CLIVE:
It's a penis, it's-, it's a penis.
DEREK:
DON'T!!! DON'T SAY THAT WORD IN HERE!!
CLIVE:
Well, I'm just saying that it's not a ticket .....
DEREK:
THAT'S THE FILTHIEST WORD!! THAT'S THE FILTHIEST WORD I'VE EVER HEARD!
CLIVE:
I'm sorry, Mother, it's-, I'm-, all right, my ticket is .....
DEREK:
YOUR TICKET!!
CLIVE:
..... my ticket is perfectly all right.
DEREK:
YOUR TICKET!!
CLIVE:
Yes. Y-
DEREK:
SHOW ME YOUR TICKET!!
CLIVE:
I don't want to show you my ticket, Mother.
DEREK:
Why not?
CLIVE:
Because .....
DEREK:
I'm your mother! I-. Your ticket! YOUR FUCKING TICKET GOT STUCK IN MY CLITICK-CICK-TRICK .....
CLIVE:
Mother, it did not .....
DEREK:
Did you realise when you born .....
CLIVE:
..... and I don't want .....
DEREK:
..... there was two stone of your ticket? Two stone of your ticket. I was ..... (laughs)
CLIVE:
Mother, you're being very stupid .....
DEREK:
There's t- ..... (laughs)
CLIVE:
A stupid old fucking cunt.
DEREK:
It's hard to believe that I'm hearing this from the lips of my own son. My own son, whose ticket I nurtured through those early years. I kept the wart to show you. I was never going to show you that wart 'cause it's a disgusting wart, and you should be a-fucking-shamed of yourself for having it.
CLIVE:
Mother, I don't have it and SHUT UP!!
DEREK:
No, you don't have .....
CLIVE:
Mother, if you don't shut up I'll kiss you!
DEREK:
Oh!! Well!! In that case .....
CLIVE:
I'll kiss you, Mother.
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
I'll kiss you! Shut up!
DEREK:
Get this poof off me!