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Derek & Clive -
"Films"

[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

DEREK:
Oh, er, ..... "Count Yorga, Vampire Shit Sucker", you've seen that film, have you?
CLIVE:
Yeah, I enjoyed that, 'cause, er, when Yorga comes in and, er, is confronted by the, you know, enraged arsehole .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... of, er, well, you know, the actor we can't name ..... the way he gets his gob round that arsehole .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... is incredible. I don't know what special effects they had o-, if any at all. Was that special effects or was that for real?
DEREK:
No, no, that was for real.
CLIVE:
That was for real.
DEREK:
They got a bloke in who, er, is particularly good at sucking shit.
CLIVE:
Ah, yeah. Who's that?
DEREK:
Errrr-
CLIVE:
George Riddles?
DEREK:
's Norman.
CLIVE:
Oh, Norman!
DEREK:
Norman who did-
CLIVE:
Norman.
DEREK:
You know-
CLIVE:
Norman did that!
DEREK:
Yeah
CLIVE:
Yeah, 'course he done that, he does .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... all the shit sucking jobs, doesn't he?
DEREK:
He's got-, he's really got the, er, he's got the market cornered on that. Shit sucking.
CLIVE:
Must be nice to know that, you know, whenever there's going to be a movie made in which tons of shit are going to pour out of somebody's arsehole, you're in-, you're in there, you know, .....
DEREK:
You're right in there.
CLIVE:
You're right in there.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
He, he slept his way there, didn't he, though? He married that .....
DEREK:
No, he shat his way there.
CLIVE:
He shat his way! That's it!
DEREK:
He shat his way to the bottom.
CLIVE:
He shat his way to the bottom, yeah.
DEREK:
(clears throat)
CLIVE:
I's, I was just wondering, Derek, how you've been doing with the, er, with central casting, vis-a-vis, you know, like, star roles.
DEREK:
Well, err .....
CLIVE:
'Cause there's, you know, a lot of, er, people get into movies simply because they are poofs .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... and want to slide their fucking knob up any director who fancies them and, you know, that's one way of getting to the top and I always say it's another way of getting to the bottom, and I'm not going to do that for any fucking movie stardom in the world. I was wondering how you'd gone with central casting, knowing how difficult it fucking is, not to compromise your fucking self.
DEREK:
Well, it's, err, well, as you know, er, Clive, the film industry is terribly depressed.
CLIVE:
Well, I'm terribly depressed, I didn't know the film industry was.
DEREK:
Well, maybe, you know, 's probably .....
CLIVE:
Er, co-incidental, yeah, yeah.
DEREK:
Co-incidental, but it, it may-
CLIVE:
Co-incidental, yeah, absolutely.
DEREK:
No, no, but, you know, there may very well be some sort of overhang.
CLIVE:
But, any joy from the industry from your point of view?
DEREK:
Well, I was getting on to that. Errr, as you know, er, parts are very few and far between, you know, but I'm ha-, I'm willing to do almost anything, you know .....
CLIVE:
I think, you kn-,
DEREK:
I've got .....
CLIVE:
I think, I think if the role merits it, you know, do it.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
'Cause if you don't do it, it's not done. And that's part of life isn't it?
DEREK:
Well, 't's like, 't's .....
CLIVE:
Derek, Derek, it's life .....
DEREK:
Well, no, no, .....
CLIVE:
It's, it's, it's the stuff of life .....
DEREK:
You're talking ph- .....
CLIVE:
..... it's the stuff of life, it's the stuff of life .....
DEREK:
You're talki-, you're talking philo-, it's, .....
CLIVE:
..... it's the stuff of life.
DEREK:
You're talking philosophy now, Clive.
CLIVE:
'Course I am.
DEREK:
You know, if you want to talk philosophy, fine. And I-
CLIVE:
I, I heard about that one .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... the piece of shit from, er, 'Raise The Titanic!' .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... where, where, where somebody had to look shit scared and there was a big part for a turd?