Derek & Clive -
"This Bloke Came Up To Me"

[ from the album "(Live)" (1976) ]

DEREK:

I'll tell you, the other day some bloke came up to me and .....

CLIVE:

What, Tony Newley?

DEREK:

No, no, I don't know who it was, and he said, "You cunt".

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

I said, "What?" He said, "You cunt".

CLIVE:

Yeah. And you replied, "You fucking cunt".

DEREK:

I said-, I-, no, well, not straight away, I said, "You cunt".

CLIVE:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, .....

DEREK:

And then he said .....

CLIVE:

..... what'd he come back with?

DEREK:

He come back. He says-, he said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "You calling me ..... "

CLIVE:

You're joking! He said, "You fucking cunt"?

DEREK:

He-, yeah, he said, "You call me a cunt, you fucking c-?" I said, "You f-", I said, "You fucking cunt".

CLIVE:

I should hope so, "you fucking cunt".

DEREK:

I s-, I said, "You fucking cunt", I said, "You fucking come here and call me a fucking cunt".

CLIVE:

I should say so.

DEREK:

I said, "You f-", I said, "You cunt". I said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "Who you fucking calling 'cunt', cunt?"

CLIVE:

Yeah, what did he say, cunt?

DEREK:

He said, "You fucking cunt!"

CLIVE:

Well, you fucking cunt, who are you to say to him that he was a fucking cunt?

DEREK:

Well, what d'you fu-, what d'you fucking think, mate, I fucking de-, defending my fucking self, weren't I?

CLIVE:

Well, no, he come up to you, call you "cunt", .....

DEREK:

Yeah!

CLIVE:

..... that's fair enough, what he said, "you fucking cunt", and you said back to him, "you fucking fucking cunt".

DEREK:

I sa-, well, .....

CLIVE:

Well, what do you expect him to say back apart from, "You fucking stupid fucking cunt!"

DEREK:

Well, I don't-, I don't expect nothing, do I?

CLIVE:

No.

DEREK:

But the f-, the cunt come back with, "you fucking cunt", cunt.

CLIVE:

Well, Christ, .....

DEREK:

I said, "You cunt?" I said, "You calling me a fucking cunt .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... You fucking-", I said, "You fucking cunt".

CLIVE:

Jesus Christ, yeah.

DEREK:

I said, "You-", I said, "You, you fucking cunt".

CLIVE:

Yeah, what-

DEREK:

I said, like that.

CLIVE:

You said it like that, did you, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... to him, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... or was he gone by then?

DEREK:

No, he fucking hit me. Fu-

CLIVE:

Hit you, did he?

DEREK:

Yeah, fucking cunt.

CLIVE:

Killed you dead, did he?

DEREK:

Nah, he-, he fucking hit me. I said, I said, .....

CLIVE:

Yeah, well, you can't blame him, can you?

DEREK:

I said, "You, you rotter".

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

And he-, he went off.

CLIVE:

Did he?

DEREK:

And he said, "You cunt" again.

CLIVE:

Well, 't's the only way to deal with him, 'init?

DEREK:

Yeah, well, I-, I showed him, didn't I?

CLIVE:

Yeah, well, you had to, didn't you? You had to stand up for what you stood for, didn't you? I mean, the only time I remember a similar occasion was, I was in, errm, I was at Spurs, Tottenham Hotspurs.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

I was watching a game against Arsenal, and this bloke come up to me and said, "Hello".

DEREK:

Oh no .....

CLIVE:

And I thought, "Christ!"

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

You know, this bloke comes up to me, says "hello", .....

DEREK:

Provocative fucker.

CLIVE:

..... fucking provocative.

DEREK:

Mmm.

CLIVE:

I said, "What d'you mean, 'hello'?" And, do you know what he came back with?

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

He said, erm, "I just meant, 'hello'" I said, "Hur hur, I can sussed you out .....

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

..... right, for a starter, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

..... 'ere, get this in the bollocks for a start!" So I kicked him right in the balls, he fell to the floor, and as he fell to the floor he said, "Euuughh!" I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!"

DEREK:

I-, yeah, like he comes in with 'hello' and then goes out with 'euuughh'.

CLIVE:

Yeah, I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!" and I kicked his fucking teeth in!

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Then he went, "Aaaghh!", and I said, "Fucking hell! .....

DEREK:

I said, "This is fucking too much", eh?

CLIVE:

..... Don't you fucking 'Aaaghh' me!"

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And I really kicked his ear in, you know.

DEREK:

Yeah, yeah.

CLIVE:

Bunged him right in the ear with the left boot.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And, d'you know he still had the audacity to come out with, "Hugh-eugh-ugh-eugh-ugh I'm dying!" Well, what could I say to that? I just walked away. I left the situation. I wasn't going to be, you know, put upon in that way.

DEREK:

You weren't going to be dictacted to, were you?

CLIVE:

Well, no, why should I be dictated to?

DEREK:

No, exactly, no.

CLIVE:

By some cunt who says 'euuughh!'

DEREK:

Yeah, preceding it with 'hello'!

CLIVE:

Yeah. 'Hello' was the worst thing, that's what got me going.

DEREK:

Fucking cunt, yeah, what a cunt.

CLIVE:

What a cunt, eh?