Derek & Clive -
"In The Lav"

[ from the album "(Live)" (1976) ]

DEREK:

Er, well, I was, er, I was down Hampstead tube, .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... down the lav there .....

CLIVE:

What, right down the lav?

DEREK:

No, I don't mean down the fucking lav, cunt.

CLIVE:

Well, what d'you mean then?

DEREK:

I .....

CLIVE:

Were you or were you not down the lav? You said-, you articulated the sentiment that you were down the lav.

DEREK:

What I meant was I was down the ..... down the fucking gents. Right?

CLIVE:

You were in the lav?

DEREK:

I was not in the fucking lav!

CLIVE:

You were in the lavatory?

DEREK:

I was not in the basin.

CLIVE:

No, I-, ..... no, all I's trying to establish is where you fucking were!

DEREK:

Well, I was in the lav.

CLIVE:

Fine. Right. There's no need to .....

DEREK:

Not floating like a lonely turd.

CLIVE:

No, I knew that.

DEREK:

That settles that.

CLIVE:

O.K., fine.

DEREK:

Right ..... I was down the lav, ......

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... and, er, I was sitting there .....

CLIVE:

Yeah, well, .....

DEREK:

..... and, er, suddenly a little bit of paper come under the fucking door .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... and, er, ..... (sniggers)

CLIVE:

Yeah, what, what-

DEREK:

I opened it up.

CLIVE:

No, no, could you go back a bit there?

DEREK:

What, you lost me?

CLIVE:

Yeah. A bit of paper come under the door .....

DEREK:

Bit of paper come under the fucking door .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... and, er, I opened it up .....

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

..... and it said, "Are you handy?"

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

And I thought, "'ullo, some cunt is showing out."

CLIVE:

Yeah.

DEREK:

So, I pulled up my trousers .....

CLIVE:

'Cause they were down, were they?

DEREK:

They were down .....

CLIVE:

Yeah-h.

DEREK:

..... round my ankles.

CLIVE:

Yeah, well, that's-, that's clever, that, 'cause, you know, I sometimes make the mistake of, er, not getting my trousers down and then I find the usual experience is that I get a load of crap in my trousers, which is a fucking headache. If there's one thing I can't stand it's, er, walking around all day with warm crap all over me.

DEREK:

Yeah. Oh, I agree.

CLIVE:

I try and rule that out of my life .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... I don't know about you.

DEREK:

Well, there's no point in, er, .....

CLIVE:

Sq-

DEREK:

..... making things difficult.

CLIVE:

There's no point in squelching every time you sit down.

DEREK:

No. How c-

CLIVE:

But that's just a personal view.

DEREK:

No, yeah. No, well, of course there is the fucking pong as well.

CLIVE:

Well, I'll tell you, four years ago I done about, ooh, must have been, well, round about, er, five and half pounds of crap .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... in my trousers, 'cause they weighed it later at the forensic laboratories. An-n-nd, the pong from that was fucking staggering.

DEREK:

(laughs loud)

CLIVE:

You know what they did?

DEREK:

What?

CLIVE:

The police come round - you know where I live?

DEREK:

What, er, .....

CLIVE:

I-, round, you know, ..... in Islington. The police come round and said the Queen Mother .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... who lives, sh-, you know, .....

DEREK:

Well, fucking miles away.

CLIVE:

..... miles away in Buckingham Palace, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... had got a whiff of it .....

DEREK:

Fuck me!

CLIVE:

And, er, they took me away .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... and had me scraped .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... and, er, .....

DEREK:

Did she come and, er, identify the whiff?

CLIVE:

Yeah, she had-, well, she was a vi-, she was a key witness.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And she come along with her Japanese masseur. D'you know him?

DEREK:

No.

CLIVE:

The Japanese masseur, the Queen Mother has.

DEREK:

'Masseur' Hulot! Eh-huh-huh .....

CLIVE:

Aww, that's fucking good, that, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... you could be on the radio .....

DEREK:

Yeah ..... yeah.

CLIVE:

..... with that type of stuff.

DEREK:

Huh.

CLIVE:

And, er, no, the Queen Mother come down .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... from the palace with the masseur and identified the pong.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And, you know, there were-, it was an identity parade. They had eleven separate heaps of shit .....

DEREK:

Yeah. What, and she .....

CLIVE:

..... one of which was mine.

DEREK:

She dipped into 'em, did she? Or-

CLIVE:

She was blindfold.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

And she walked by each heap .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... and sniffed .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... and she got mine f-, right off, you know, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... like that, said, "That is the one."

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

A-

DEREK:

So what'd they do? They, er, nick you?

CLIVE:

No, th-, they held me over night .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... but I applied for Lucozade and I was released on bail.

DEREK:

Yeah.