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Derek & Clive -
"In The Lav"

[ from the album "(Live)" (1976) ]

DEREK:
Er, well, I was, er, I was down Hampstead tube, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... down the lav there .....
CLIVE:
What, right down the lav?
DEREK:
No, I don't mean down the fucking lav, cunt.
CLIVE:
Well, what d'you mean then?
DEREK:
I .....
CLIVE:
Were you or were you not down the lav? You said-, you articulated the sentiment that you were down the lav.
DEREK:
What I meant was I was down the ..... down the fucking gents. Right?
CLIVE:
You were in the lav?
DEREK:
I was not in the fucking lav!
CLIVE:
You were in the lavatory?
DEREK:
I was not in the basin.
CLIVE:
No, I-, ..... no, all I's trying to establish is where you fucking were!
DEREK:
Well, I was in the lav.
CLIVE:
Fine. Right. There's no need to .....
DEREK:
Not floating like a lonely turd.
CLIVE:
No, I knew that.
DEREK:
That settles that.
CLIVE:
O.K., fine.
DEREK:
Right ..... I was down the lav, ......
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er, I was sitting there .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, .....
DEREK:
..... and, er, suddenly a little bit of paper come under the fucking door .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er, ..... (sniggers)
CLIVE:
Yeah, what, what-
DEREK:
I opened it up.
CLIVE:
No, no, could you go back a bit there?
DEREK:
What, you lost me?
CLIVE:
Yeah. A bit of paper come under the door .....
DEREK:
Bit of paper come under the fucking door .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er, I opened it up .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and it said, "Are you handy?"
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And I thought, "'ullo, some cunt is showing out."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
So, I pulled up my trousers .....
CLIVE:
'Cause they were down, were they?
DEREK:
They were down .....
CLIVE:
Yeah-h.
DEREK:
..... round my ankles.
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, that's-, that's clever, that, 'cause, you know, I sometimes make the mistake of, er, not getting my trousers down and then I find the usual experience is that I get a load of crap in my trousers, which is a fucking headache. If there's one thing I can't stand it's, er, walking around all day with warm crap all over me.
DEREK:
Yeah. Oh, I agree.
CLIVE:
I try and rule that out of my life .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... I don't know about you.
DEREK:
Well, there's no point in, er, .....
CLIVE:
Sq-
DEREK:
..... making things difficult.
CLIVE:
There's no point in squelching every time you sit down.
DEREK:
No. How c-
CLIVE:
But that's just a personal view.
DEREK:
No, yeah. No, well, of course there is the fucking pong as well.
CLIVE:
Well, I'll tell you, four years ago I done about, ooh, must have been, well, round about, er, five and half pounds of crap .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... in my trousers, 'cause they weighed it later at the forensic laboratories. An-n-nd, the pong from that was fucking staggering.
DEREK:
(laughs loud)
CLIVE:
You know what they did?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
The police come round - you know where I live?
DEREK:
What, er, .....
CLIVE:
I-, round, you know, ..... in Islington. The police come round and said the Queen Mother .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... who lives, sh-, you know, .....
DEREK:
Well, fucking miles away.
CLIVE:
..... miles away in Buckingham Palace, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... had got a whiff of it .....
DEREK:
Fuck me!
CLIVE:
And, er, they took me away .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and had me scraped .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, .....
DEREK:
Did she come and, er, identify the whiff?
CLIVE:
Yeah, she had-, well, she was a vi-, she was a key witness.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And she come along with her Japanese masseur. D'you know him?
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
The Japanese masseur, the Queen Mother has.
DEREK:
'Masseur' Hulot! Eh-huh-huh .....
CLIVE:
Aww, that's fucking good, that, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... you could be on the radio .....
DEREK:
Yeah ..... yeah.
CLIVE:
..... with that type of stuff.
DEREK:
Huh.
CLIVE:
And, er, no, the Queen Mother come down .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... from the palace with the masseur and identified the pong.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, you know, there were-, it was an identity parade. They had eleven separate heaps of shit .....
DEREK:
Yeah. What, and she .....
CLIVE:
..... one of which was mine.
DEREK:
She dipped into 'em, did she? Or-
CLIVE:
She was blindfold.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And she walked by each heap .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and sniffed .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and she got mine f-, right off, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... like that, said, "That is the one."
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
A-
DEREK:
So what'd they do? They, er, nick you?
CLIVE:
No, th-, they held me over night .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... but I applied for Lucozade and I was released on bail.
DEREK:
Yeah.