Derek & Clive -
"Winkie Wanky Woo"

[ from the album "(Live)" (1976) ]

DEREK:

Excuse me.... as you may, umm ..... I wonder if you would be interested in, umm, a-, a-, a c-co-, co-, a sex crime?

CLIVE:

Er, could you-, could you speak up a bit? I can't really hear you.

DEREK:

You .....

CLIVE:

I thought I heard the words "sex crime" but I didn't hear anything else.

DEREK:

Well, umm, you got the gist of what I said. Um, I wonder if you'd be interested in, um, er, playing with my thing, er, huh .....

CLIVE:

Oh, I see, sort of playing with your doo-dahs.

DEREK:

Yes, with my willy winkie.

CLIVE:

Ha-hum. Well, this depends rather on the terms ..... and, indeed, the lengths.

DEREK:

Well, it .....

CLIVE:

What are the lengths of the doo-dah?

DEREK:

My doo-dah is about, um, ..... four foot nine by three and half. And .....

CLIVE:

When you say, er, four foot nine by three and a half .....

DEREK:

Yes.

CLIVE:

..... um, .....

DEREK:

I mean .....

CLIVE:

..... do we take the three and a half as being accurate or could that be possibly three and three quarters?

DEREK:

Probably more in the region of five and a half.

CLIVE:

Oh, five and a half? Well, that's rather more interesting. You see, um, the problem with me is that my, um, .....

DEREK:

Oh.

CLIVE:

..... (clears throat) .....

DEREK:

Winkie wanky.

CLIVE:

..... thing, tends when .....

DEREK:

Willy winkie wanky.

CLIVE:

..... aroused, which is very seldom, .....

DEREK:

Ohh.

CLIVE:

..... about once every century, .....

DEREK:

Mmm-yes.

CLIVE:

..... to be about a thousand miles long.

DEREK:

Ohh-h-h, fucking arseholes. Huh. Well, I wonder if we could 'come' to some arrangement?

CLIVE:

Well, I don't see any reason why not. I mean, you're a-, you're a fine man and .....

DEREK:

Well, that's very kind of you you fat w- .....

CLIVE:

Well, I'm a very kind person.

DEREK:

..... cunt.

CLIVE:

And I'd just like to say that mine being about a thousand miles long, .....

DEREK:

Oh God, ohhh .....

CLIVE:

..... which is quite a length in this day and age .....

DEREK:

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh nnggh .....

CLIVE:

..... given the inflation which surrounds us, I'd like to get to grips with something, you know, on a-, on a sort of par-r-r-r with mine.

DEREK:

You know, um, I think you'd be quite pleased with the, um, hhg-hhg, this particular winkie wanky woo.

CLIVE:

When you dis-, say it's a "winkie wanky woo" .....

DEREK:

Nngh-ye- .....

CLIVE:

..... it's a winkie, yes?

DEREK:

Well, mainly it's on the wanky side.

CLIVE:

And where does the woo come in?

DEREK:

Wherever you like, dear.

CLIVE:

Well, I'd prefer you to do the wooing before you do the winkie and the wanky.

DEREK:

Well, um, .....

CLIVE:

I may be a bit old-fashioned but I like to see a bit of wooing before the winkie and the wanky, you know.

DEREK:

Oh, right, you smooth-talking fucker.

CLIVE:

Err, where do you live - Earl's Court?

DEREK:

Erm, nnggh, er, er ..... no.

CLIVE:

Nowhere?

DEREK:

Pardon?

CLIVE:

Do you live nowhere at all?

DEREK:

Nnggh, well, you've-, you're getting near the truth.

CLIVE:

Why don't you come back to my place and perhaps we could sort things out.

DEREK:

That would be wonderful.

CLIVE:

Did I ever tell you before that I love a man who has no convictions.

DEREK:

Ohhh .....

CLIVE:

How many convictions have you got?

DEREK:

Well-l-l, depends what you mean by convictions.

CLIVE:

How many times have you been in prison for offences against, erm, Anna Neagle?

DEREK:

Forty-four times, your honour.

CLIVE:

Well, come back and see me and we'll see if we can ..... sort things out.

DEREK:

You're too kind.

CLIVE:

I'm what?

DEREK:

You're getting fainter.

CLIVE:

I'm getting Fanta? Yes, I should go off and get some Fanta .....

DEREK:

No, you're getting fainter.

CLIVE:

Oh, I'm getting fainter, yes, yes, because, do you know in forty-five years in the British army I've never met anyone who really cared.

DEREK:

How very sad.

CLIVE:

It is, isn't it? When one has fought two wars, beaten the Boche twice, one ceases to care, .....

DEREK:

Nnggh .....

CLIVE:

..... one only hungers for where it's at.

DEREK:

Well, get your willy wanky woo over here, darling.

CLIVE:

I wish I could ..... it was shot off in the first war.

DEREK:

Well, fuck off you silly old poof.