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Derek & Clive -
"Winkie Wanky Woo"

[ from the album "(Live)" (1976) ]

DEREK:
Excuse me.... as you may, umm ..... I wonder if you would be interested in, umm, a-, a-, a c-co-, co-, a sex crime?
CLIVE:
Er, could you-, could you speak up a bit? I can't really hear you.
DEREK:
You .....
CLIVE:
I thought I heard the words "sex crime" but I didn't hear anything else.
DEREK:
Well, umm, you got the gist of what I said. Um, I wonder if you'd be interested in, um, er, playing with my thing, er, huh .....
CLIVE:
Oh, I see, sort of playing with your doo-dahs.
DEREK:
Yes, with my willy winkie.
CLIVE:
Ha-hum. Well, this depends rather on the terms ..... and, indeed, the lengths.
DEREK:
Well, it .....
CLIVE:
What are the lengths of the doo-dah?
DEREK:
My doo-dah is about, um, ..... four foot nine by three and half. And .....
CLIVE:
When you say, er, four foot nine by three and a half .....
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
..... um, .....
DEREK:
I mean .....
CLIVE:
..... do we take the three and a half as being accurate or could that be possibly three and three quarters?
DEREK:
Probably more in the region of five and a half.
CLIVE:
Oh, five and a half? Well, that's rather more interesting. You see, um, the problem with me is that my, um, .....
DEREK:
Oh.
CLIVE:
..... (clears throat) .....
DEREK:
Winkie wanky.
CLIVE:
..... thing, tends when .....
DEREK:
Willy winkie wanky.
CLIVE:
..... aroused, which is very seldom, .....
DEREK:
Ohh.
CLIVE:
..... about once every century, .....
DEREK:
Mmm-yes.
CLIVE:
..... to be about a thousand miles long.
DEREK:
Ohh-h-h, fucking arseholes. Huh. Well, I wonder if we could 'come' to some arrangement?
CLIVE:
Well, I don't see any reason why not. I mean, you're a-, you're a fine man and .....
DEREK:
Well, that's very kind of you you fat w- .....
CLIVE:
Well, I'm a very kind person.
DEREK:
..... cunt.
CLIVE:
And I'd just like to say that mine being about a thousand miles long, .....
DEREK:
Oh God, ohhh .....
CLIVE:
..... which is quite a length in this day and age .....
DEREK:
Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh nnggh .....
CLIVE:
..... given the inflation which surrounds us, I'd like to get to grips with something, you know, on a-, on a sort of par-r-r-r with mine.
DEREK:
You know, um, I think you'd be quite pleased with the, um, hhg-hhg, this particular winkie wanky woo.
CLIVE:
When you dis-, say it's a "winkie wanky woo" .....
DEREK:
Nngh-ye- .....
CLIVE:
..... it's a winkie, yes?
DEREK:
Well, mainly it's on the wanky side.
CLIVE:
And where does the woo come in?
DEREK:
Wherever you like, dear.
CLIVE:
Well, I'd prefer you to do the wooing before you do the winkie and the wanky.
DEREK:
Well, um, .....
CLIVE:
I may be a bit old-fashioned but I like to see a bit of wooing before the winkie and the wanky, you know.
DEREK:
Oh, right, you smooth-talking fucker.
CLIVE:
Err, where do you live - Earl's Court?
DEREK:
Erm, nnggh, er, er ..... no.
CLIVE:
Nowhere?
DEREK:
Pardon?
CLIVE:
Do you live nowhere at all?
DEREK:
Nnggh, well, you've-, you're getting near the truth.
CLIVE:
Why don't you come back to my place and perhaps we could sort things out.
DEREK:
That would be wonderful.
CLIVE:
Did I ever tell you before that I love a man who has no convictions.
DEREK:
Ohhh .....
CLIVE:
How many convictions have you got?
DEREK:
Well-l-l, depends what you mean by convictions.
CLIVE:
How many times have you been in prison for offences against, erm, Anna Neagle?
DEREK:
Forty-four times, your honour.
CLIVE:
Well, come back and see me and we'll see if we can ..... sort things out.
DEREK:
You're too kind.
CLIVE:
I'm what?
DEREK:
You're getting fainter.
CLIVE:
I'm getting Fanta? Yes, I should go off and get some Fanta .....
DEREK:
No, you're getting fainter.
CLIVE:
Oh, I'm getting fainter, yes, yes, because, do you know in forty-five years in the British army I've never met anyone who really cared.
DEREK:
How very sad.
CLIVE:
It is, isn't it? When one has fought two wars, beaten the Boche twice, one ceases to care, .....
DEREK:
Nnggh .....
CLIVE:
..... one only hungers for where it's at.
DEREK:
Well, get your willy wanky woo over here, darling.
CLIVE:
I wish I could ..... it was shot off in the first war.
DEREK:
Well, fuck off you silly old poof.