Derek & Clive -
"Top Rank"

[ from the album "(Live)" (1976) ]

CLIVE:

I was down the, er, Top Rank ballroom the other day.

DEREK:

Oh, yeah?

CLIVE:

Yeah, with-, you know, with the lads .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... and, er, brought the wives along, you know.

DEREK:

Social occasion.

CLIVE:

Well, made it social, you know, nice to have the birds there, you know, they've .....

DEREK:

Oh, yeah.

CLIVE:

..... got things to talk about, haven't they? You know .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Women's talk, anyway, yeah .....

DEREK:

Yeah, nice.

CLIVE:

I was talking to the lads, I'd been up to the, er, football, you know.

DEREK:

Oh, errr, which? Norwich and, er, Tottenham?

CLIVE:

Norwich - Tottenham, yeah.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Fucking awful game, that.

DEREK:

Yeah-h.

CLIVE:

Norwich are a team of fucking wankers, 'in't they?

DEREK:

Yeah, right.

CLIVE:

Fucking wankers, those Norwich. You-, did you-, d'y-, you see the game?

DEREK:

No, I was-, I was wanking that afternoon. I couldn't come .....

CLIVE:

Oh, yeah, couldn't make it, yeah. Well, I-, I was down to be wanking but, erm, you know, I got a call from a friend and, er, you know, thought best to go along.

DEREK:

Yeah, right, well, .....

CLIVE:

Anyway, I was down the Top Rank ballroom, any case, .....

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

..... I was talking to Sid, you remember Sid who, erm, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, who .....

CLIVE:

..... married to Doris.

DEREK:

Right, yeah.

CLIVE:

And, er, I suddenly turned round - fuck me, I saw the wife!

DEREK:

Well, was that-, was that, er, surprising?

CLIVE:

No, no, it's not surprising, what was happening to the wife was surprising. I turned round, saw the wife, fucking great gorilla fucking her arse off.

DEREK:

No!

CLIVE:

I thought, "Fuck me!"

DEREK:

Fucking hell!

CLIVE:

I said, "What's going on?"

DEREK:

Yeah. Well, you would.

CLIVE:

I said, "Who do I turn to?" You know, "Who do I fucking get in touch with?"

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

I pay five shillings to come to the Top Rank ballroom .....

DEREK:

Yeah. And then you've .....

CLIVE:

..... have a civilised conversation, I turn round, there's a fucking gorilla fucking the arse off my fucking wife!

DEREK:

Christ!

CLIVE:

I thought, "Fuck me! I mean, who do I get in touch with?"

DEREK:

Right, yeah, you must have been in a state of near panic.

CLIVE:

Yeah, well, you know, I've got pride.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

I'm not going to allow, er, ANYBODY, let alone a gorilla, you know, just, er, fuck the arse of my wife like that.

DEREK:

Yeah. So what did you do?

CLIVE:

Well, I turned to Sid, I said, "Sid, look! Fucking gorilla fucking my fucking wife!" He said, "Fucking hell, she fucking is being fucked by a fucking gorilla, fuck me!" He said, "You should get in touch with the top man, .....

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

..... the manager."

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

So I went straight up, you know, I stormed up. 'Cause let's f-, I've got a temper, you know, .....

DEREK:

Yeah, I know.

CLIVE:

I-, I-, I'm human!

DEREK:

Well, I wouldn't like to be on the end of it.

CLIVE:

I'm human. I knocked on the manager's door - no reply.

DEREK:

Yeah.

CLIVE:

Well, I wasn't taking 'no reply' for an answer. So I stormed straight in and there he was: stark naked on the floor with an ant sucking his left nipple.

DEREK:

Oh no! Oh, fucking hell!

CLIVE:

And I said to him, with all the dignity I could muster, I said, "Is this a way to run a fucking ballroom?"

DEREK:

RIGHT!