Rating  |
Club
 |
Notes
 |
  |
Accrington Stanley |
Old timers, not to be mistaken for league founders Accrington FC. |
  |
Arsenal |
Unwatchable whingeing, diving, long-ball donkeys; lately French. |
  |
Aston Villa |
Utterly deluded with notions of significance but never interesting. |
  |
Barnet |
Ex-Flashman and Fry cabaret club; second stab at league status. |
  |
Barnsley |
Gambled and lost; team of choice for stereotypical Yorkshiremen. |
  |
Birmingham City |
Midlands magnet for their worst hooligan dregs; repeat offenders. |
  |
Blackburn Rovers |
Big games in a morgue-like ground; recent policy of hiring scum. |
  |
Blackpool |
Mortensen and Matthews; ramshackle glory for all nostalgia fans. |
  |
Bolton Wanderers |
Established in the Premiership as drab troublers that no-one likes. |
  |
Bournemouth |
Some good football, good cup results, and a genuine set of fans. |
  |
Bradford City |
Laughably over-ambitious at the first whiff of success; a sad past. |
  |
Brentford |
Deserve credit for community work; otherwise shit ground no fans. |
  |
Brighton & Hove Albion |
Lost their one cup final and dropped like a stone; deserve better. |
  |
Bristol City |
Tainted by predictable ritual violence against their neighbours. |
  |
Bristol Rovers |
Hopelessly second-best to local rivals, both on and off the pitch. |
  |
Burnley |
Big club, laid-low and risen again, with no billionaire benefactor. |
no opinion |
Bury |
Inconsequential now, but won the cup 6-0 and 4-0 a century ago. |
  |
Cardiff City |
Nurtured festering hotbed of hooligans; home of Welsh violence. |
  |
Carlisle United |
Supporters travel enormous distances to see their heroes stuffed. |
  |
Charlton Athletic |
Recovered from homelessness to be a well supported model club. |
  |
Chelsea |
Polished turd for Tories and white-collar hooligans, buying glory. |
no opinion |
Cheltenham Town |
Relative newcomers, still to establish any noteworthy reputation. |
no opinion |
Chester City |
Unhistoric mediocre club representing a fine historic Roman city. |
  |
Chesterfield |
Unlucky to lose the 1997 cup semi-final; their one chance, gone. |
  |
Colchester United |
Essex side resolutely going nowhere and seemingly unperturbed. |
  |
Coventry City |
Flirted with failure for decades; finally grasped it with both hands. |
  |
Crewe Alexandra |
Tiny club with no resources, always churning out top class players. |
  |
Crystal Palace |
Refuge for homeless clubs; where volatile Frenchmen get jumpy. |
  |
Dagenham & Redbridge |
Five years late in joining the league; cheated by Boston in 2002. |
  |
Darlington |
Big-talking chairman and his gobby wife, failed to walk the walk. |
  |
Derby County |
Seventies glory, recent highs and perilous lows, but ever hopeful. |
  |
Doncaster Rovers |
Finally back from non-league oblivion, mighty Donny ride again. |
  |
Everton |
Indisputably Scousers but somehow less so than their neighbours. |
  |
Fulham |
Seventies rest-home for faded glitterati; re-emerged and still fun. |
  |
Gillingham |
Unappealing chairman and a ground that can be deadly to visit. |
  |
Grimsby Town |
Nothing going for them on the face of it but can be tricky to beat. |
  |
Hartlepool United |
Recent ups and downs, but historically are perennial table props. |
no opinion |
Hereford United |
Blighted the cup with endless repeats of Ronnie Radford in 1972. |
  |
Huddersfield Town |
Consistently unsuccessful since 1926 but act like it was yesterday. |
  |
Hull City |
Frighteningly grim rugby territory with illiterate hate-mailing fans. |
  |
Ipswich Town |
Club and supporters let down by appalling boardroom characters. |
  |
Leeds United |
Repellent club with the most disgraceful hooligan fans in football. |
  |
Leicester City |
Nice club; no pretentions to greatness but have often come close. |
  |
Leyton Orient |
Capital choice for claustrophobics who like no-nonsense football. |
no opinion |
Lincoln City |
Briefly dropped out of the league; missed by friends and family. |
  |
Liverpool |
Scouse stereotypes relentlessly quoting Bill Shankley since 1959. |
  |
Luton Town |
A decent family club, slowly recovering from a sickening takeover. |
no opinion |
Macclesfield Town |
Earned football league status but have not done anything with it. |
  |
Manchester City |
Definitive under-achieving big club; the only team in Manchester. |
  |
Manchester United |
Boringly successful giants cheered on by shameless glory-hunters. |
no opinion |
Mansfield Town |
Antidote to more successful and historic clubs in Nottinghamshire. |
  |
Middlesbrough |
Saved from bankruptcy, millions invested, but a poor return so far. |
  |
Millwall |
Despicable thugs and racists getting away with violence for years. |
  |
Milton Keynes Dons |
Wimbledon is dead, its fans departed - death to this abomination. |
  |
Morecombe |
It's taken them long enough, but they're up at last. So now what? |
  |
Newcastle United |
Great Geordie players and a massive support, deserving trophies. |
  |
Northampton Town |
Big, quick, physical team that no-one enjoys watching or playing. |
  |
Norwich City |
Always play the ball to feet; unforgettable win at Bayern Munich. |
  |
Nottingham Forest |
More European Cups than league titles; a Brian Clough fairytale. |
  |
Notts County |
Oldest league club, now defined by a hatred for their local rivals. |
  |
Oldham Athletic |
A charmless club from a charmless town with a charmless history. |
  |
Peterborough United |
Unpredictable minnows with a proud history; lower division yo-yo. |
  |
Plymouth Argyle |
One cup semi-final, novelty green shirts, goals by Tommy Tynan. |
  |
Port Vale |
Small, endearing club that somehow beat Spurs in the 1988 cup. |
  |
Portsmouth |
The best support in the Premiership: noisy, loyal and passionate. |
  |
Preston North End |
First ever league champions in 1889, again in 1890, never since. |
no opinion |
Queens Park Rangers |
Uninteresting since Roy Wegerle left; not really interesting before. |
  |
Reading |
Typical nouveau rich club, needed time for return on investment. |
  |
Rochdale |
Lowly club with lofty standards; made the 1962 league cup final. |
no opinion |
Rotherham United |
Middle-of-the-road journeymen; made the 1961 league cup final. |
  |
Scunthorpe United |
A staggeringly uneventful existence played out in a nice stadium. |
  |
Sheffield United |
Occasionally battle into the top flight; instant relegation beckons. |
  |
Sheffield Wednesday |
Dull, unglamorous timeservers in whichever division they occupy. |
no opinion |
Shrewsbury Town |
Harmless pseudo-Welsh coracle paddlers, risen out of the depths. |
  |
Southampton |
Used to be one part magic, ten parts graft; now eleven parts graft. |
  |
Southend United |
Came close to the top division; back on the Essex mud flats now. |
no opinion |
Stockport County |
Able to excite consistent levels of disinterest everywhere they go. |
  |
Stoke City |
Leaden pall trailed by dour, punchy fans; not welcome anywhere. |
  |
Sunderland |
Huge, passionate support, always optimistic and always frustrated. |
  |
Swansea City |
Slightly less offensive of two Welsh city clubs playing in England. |
no opinion |
Swindon Town |
Characterless ex-railway town, in no way enhanced by its football. |
  |
Tottenham Hotspur |
The very epitome of elegance and culture in the beautiful game. |
  |
Tranmere Rovers |
Third-string Scousers; frequently give bigger clubs a bloody nose. |
no opinion |
Walsall |
Black Country town too dire to contemplate; club too nondescript. |
  |
Watford |
An archetypal family club that went mad and blew all its money. |
  |
West Bromwich Albion |
Least pretentious of the big West Midlands clubs; no consolation. |
  |
West Ham United |
Faultless traditions on the pitch; rows of boneheads in the stands. |
  |
Wigan Athletic |
Found two pennies to rub together; lengthy crawl to fanless glory. |
  |
Wolverhampton Wanderers |
Always seem dreary, despite bright orange shirts and a golden tit. |
  |
Wrexham |
Welsh small-timers, much loved for their cup wins against Arsenal. |
  |
Wycombe Wanderers |
Small but perfectly formed until Renaissance man Adams arrived. |
  |
Yeovil Town |
Out of the amateur league at last, but the sloping pitch has gone. |