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Momus -
"Third Party, Fire And Theft"

[ from the album "Monsters Of Love (Singles 1985-90)" (1990) ]

Lyrics

I've got a good track record
For taking the hurdles blind
Off at the crack of dawn with Virginia on my mind
I'm the man they call upon to drum up a thousand pounds
Lately Ginny can't raise me ready
For the country roads inside her dressing gown

Any day now the adulterer will arrive in my suburb
Knock at the door with a pretext to enter my Habitat house
There are black cats in the sheets, I've been anticipating trouble
Next thing you know he'll be sweeping the ash from the sack
Next thing you know he'll be giving her
A piece of his mind on her back
Sweeping the ash from the sack
Isn't it good to know
You've got third party, fire and theft?

We used to be a well-matched wrestle
Used to set the bed on fire
But I got high cholesterol and Virginia low tar
In the mirror I'm managing director
The bedroom's plant and staff
The only thing in line for promotion though
Is Virginia's derisory laugh

Any day now the adulterer will arrive in my suburb
Knock at the door with a pretext to enter my Charles Church house
There are Number 10s in the sheets, I've been anticipating trouble
Next thing you know he'll be sweeping the ash from my sack
Next thing you know he'll be giving her
A piece of his mind on her back
Sweeping the ash from the sack
Isn't it good to know
You've got third party, fire and theft?

Last call for the cock of the walk
He's first in line for the fist
But cuff-links don't suit fisticuffs and I can't afford to sprain my wrist
So limp and pale from the wear and tear
Of high-powered, hard-nosed lives
Me and my ilk write him fat blank cheques
On our naked, waiting wives

Any day now the adulterer will arrive in our suburbs
Knock at the door with a Durex to enter my Laura Ashley wives
The Marlboro Man's intervening in the sheets, anticipating trouble
Next thing you know he'll be sweeping the ash from the sack
Next thing you know he'll be giving us
A piece of his mind on our backs
Sweeping the ash from the sack
Isn't it good to know
You've got third party, fire .....

..... And theft

Next thing you know he'll be sweeping the ash from our sack
Next thing you know he'll be giving us
A piece of his mind on our backs
Sweeping the ash from the sack
Isn't it good to know?