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"Milton Jacobson"

[ from the album "Stars Forever" (1999) ]

Lyrics

Make yourself like Milton Jacobson
To get ahead in vaudeville
Burlesque in Detroit, Michigan
To get ahead in vaudeville
Forbidden nights and burning moments
Playful girls and savage crime
If you want to get ahead in vaudeville
Be a witness to the march of time

If you want to get ahead in the showbiz game
Be sure that your ideas are fresh
Does anybody have a toothpick, ma'am?
Has anybody got boiled eggs?
We're going to play a game of Screeno
While the girls kick up their legs
If you can tell a joke about the eggs I broke
Or a man who had a dog called Sex

Bone 'em up in Barnum's Lexicon
The words that pull the biggest crowd
'Sexotic, sexquisite, sexsational'
Make sure your poster's extra loud
Get girls from the Accordion College
Gigantic reptiles can be nice
Busby Berkley wheelchairs, my oh my
Bums dressed up as bears on ice

You've said such lovely things about my handlebar mustache
You've said such lovely things about my hat
Here's a genuine semi-precious stone
I just wanted to tell you that
I've been watching with binoculars from opposite the theatre
And you're a lovely person, but
You'll never get ahead in vaudeville
If I catch you with your hand in the till
(One more time)
If I catch you one more time with your hand in the till
You'll never get ahead in vaudeville