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Momus -
"Robert Dye"

[ from the album "Stars Forever" (1999) ]

Lyrics

They say the Prince Consort was afflicted, you know
With medical defects of many sorts
And even a disease of an anti-social nature
He'd picked up from the Northern German ports
General Impediment
With your medical equipment
To purge excess sediment from the depths of the spleen
Plumbers by appointment
To His Majesty Prince Albert
You'll never make a whipping boy of me

For I'm Mr Robert Dye, commercial traveller
I worked my way up to Managing Director
Of Sphincter and Linctus, Manufacturers
Our remedies cure all the maladies
That daren't speak their names
Woe betide the malaise that stands in my way
General Impediment, you've had your day
Time gentlemen please, and good night ladies

I wash my contact lenses in a kettle
It really is the quickest, cleanest way
I removed all my hair one day and bought a nice toupee
'cause I've never liked my own hair anyway
Never get undressed in front of the window, honey
People will think I married you for the money
I dress up as Ghandi
It impresses foreign clients, you see
I like breast milk, but never in my tea

'cause I'm Mr Robert Dye, commercial traveller
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander
The animals talk to me, I talk to them
When we rule the world you'll be sorry
Catch my drift, going my way
Say no more, hi-de-hey
A nudge is as good as a wink at the end of the day
18 Wheeler, best band in the world
Good night ladies

Trudy my mother had me by Caesarian
Grandmother Schlump got shoved under a tram
Lotte, mum's twin, said the Aryans did her in
For refusing to be beastly to anyone

For I'm Robert Dye, commercial traveller
This life can be hard but keep up your dander
God bless my family and my career
If it wasn't for sediment we'd never be here
General Impediment just wait and see
You're far from seeing the back end of me
I'll have you on your knees, time gentlemen please
And good night ladies