Monty Python's Flying Circus -
"Cheese Shop"
[ from Monty Python's Flying Circus, third season, first shown 30.11.1972 ]
- The Players:
-
John Cleese - Mousebender;
Michael Palin - Wensleydale;
- The Scene:
-
An Edwardian-style shop which carries the signs:
'Ye Olde Cheese Emporium';
'Henry Wensleydale, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too';
'Licensed for Public Dancing';
Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki.
Mousebender enters.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Good Morning.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Ah, thank you my good man.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- What can I do for you, sir?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Peckish, sir?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Esurient.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Eh?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Ah, hungry.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Come again?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- I want to buy some cheese.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Sorry?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- So he can go on playing, can he?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Most certainly. Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Certainly, sir. What would you like?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Oh never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Sorry, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Red Windsor?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Ah. Stilton?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Sorry.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Emmental? Gruyère?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Liptauer?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Lancashire?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- White Stilton?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Danish Blue?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Double Gloucester?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- ..... No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Cheshire?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Dorset Blue Vinney?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Bresse-Bleu, Boursin?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Camembert, perhaps?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- You do! Excellent.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit runny.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Oh, I like it runny.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Well, it's very runny, actually, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France! M-mmm!
- WENSLEYDALE:
- I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Oh .....
- MOUSEBENDER:
- What now?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- The cat's eaten it.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Has he?
- WENSLEYDALE:
-
She, sir.
(pause)
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Gouda?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Edam?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Caithness?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Smoked Austrian?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Japanese Sage Darby?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- You do have some cheese, do you?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got .....
- MOUSEBENDER:
- No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Fair enough.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Er, Wensleydale?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Yes?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
- WENSLEYDALE:
-
Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Greek Feta?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Ah, not as such.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Er, Gorgonzola?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Parmesan?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Mozzarella?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Pippo Crème?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Danish Fimboe?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Czech sheep's milk?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?.
- WENSLEYDALE:
-
Not today, sir, no.
(pause)
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Ah, how about Cheddar?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Not much ca- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Not round here, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- And what is the most popular cheese round here?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Ilchester, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Is it.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Is it.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- It's our number-one best seller, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- I see. Ah, Ilchester, eh?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Right, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Finest in the district, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Well, it's so clean, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Is it worth it?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Could be.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
- WENSLEYDALE:
- (To dancers) Told you so.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Have you got any Limburger?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Yes, sir?
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Yes, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
-
Really?
(pause)
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No. Not really, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- You haven't.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
- WENSLEYDALE:
- Right-O, sir.
- MOUSEBENDER:
- (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
