I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
24th June 2002 broadcast

The Venue:

White Rock Theatre, Hastings, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Bill Bailey

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Now it's time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first-, first I notice from the bundle of cards stuffed in the postroom pigeonhole, that the postroom pigeon is having trouble sitting down, and that we've received a message from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales: (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Miss Lawley, here's a great idea: why not do a celebrity edition of Desert Island Discs?

This week-, this week we must crave your indulgence while the teams attempt to finish a long running game they've been playing over the past few days. They've been following Parker's First Principle, a late nineteenth century variation on the traditional game which has often been cited as a precursor to Monopoly, although it's hard to see why. Tim, I believe it was your go, wasn't it?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, I don't think it-, oh, yes it was.

BILL BAILEY:

Yes.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yes, it was.

BARRY CRYER:

It was.

BILL BAILEY:

You had a-, you missed a go, yeah.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You missed a turn, yeah.

BILL BAILEY:

You missed a turn and then it's me.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Right, yeah, all right. Erm ..... (sound of playing piece moving five places on playing board) ..... Euston Road.

BARRY CRYER:

Euston Road?

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's all right. You go straight through. Go straight through on the diagonal.

BARRY CRYER:

I go straight- ?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I don't think they're meant to work together, are they, Humph?

BARRY CRYER:

(sound of piece moving eight places) ..... Ahh! Pall Mall.

BILL BAILEY:

Are we-, are w-, is Parker's Second Principle invoked in this one?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, yeah.

BILL BAILEY:

OK. (sound of two knocks) Five. I'll take the iron. (sound of piece moving three places) One, two, three .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I think you're the top hat, aren't you?

BILL BAILEY:

Oh, sorry, yes, you're right, yes. Actually that, uh-huh, there is no top hat, I'll be the little dog but, er, I'll pretend it's a hat.

BARRY CRYER:

You'll look silly with a little dog on your head.

BILL BAILEY:

It's a-, it's-, it's an Afghan so, er, it's a coat, er, I- ..... I'm going to go Hassocks and jump to, er, one-two, er, King's Cross.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Very good.

BILL BAILEY:

Yep.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Whose turn is it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mine. (sound like dice shaking together and rolling on a table) Ah! Just making myself comfy. Ah- (audience applause) Well, now I think I can go to Park Lane.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ohhh.

BILL BAILEY:

What?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes! YES! YES!!

BARRY CRYER:

Didn't I miss a go then?

GRAEME GARDEN:

No.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, have one now.

BARRY CRYER:

I'll have one now.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Which is mine? Oh, mine's this surgical stocking; wait a minute. Ahh! Ah! Wait a minute! Seven. (sound of piece moving seven places) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven: Free Parking!

BILL BAILEY:

(sound of rolling dice) Right! Ah! Double-six. Excellent! One, three, five, seven, twelve ..... (sound of piece moving seventeen places) ..... And-, Ohh! Fenchurch Street Station.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Right-

GRAEME GARDEN:

And the Station Hotel. It's, er-, so that's two hundred and fifty pounds for the night, please, plus six pounds fifty for the late night adult movie.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Right, hang on ..... (sound of piece moving three places) ..... Community Chest: "Go to Mornington Crescent". (audience cheer)

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh!

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor starts the day's play with a move to Euston Road;
• Barry Cryer goes straight through on the diagonal to Pall Mall;
• Bill Bailey invokes Parker's Second Principle for his move to King's Cross;
• Graeme Garden makes himself comfortable with a move to Park Lane;
• Barry manages to find some Free Parking;
• Bill brings plays back to Fenchurch Street Station;
• Tim draws a community chest and goes to Mornington Crescent.