I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
25th November 2002 broadcast

The Venue:

The Festival Theatre, Malvern, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Andy Hamilton

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice we've received just less than two letters this week and it comes from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales, she writes- (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Dale, bet y-, bet you can't guess who I bumped into at the opticians the other day. Thought not! I can't either. Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

And on with the game, which this week will be played to the Burlington Original Rules, as defined by Stovold. So, all WC postcodes to count double, but cannot be followed by a consecutive WC code. Crescents are wild as Rule 42 is, of course, suspended. Got that? All right? OK, Tim, will you start?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That makes it-, it's almost impossible if 42 is suspended. Is it suspended the whole way through?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, it always is in Burlington Rules.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Bromley-by-Bow.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah. He's a bit exposed.

BARRY CRYER:

But I can-, I can go-, I can g-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, but I-, the listeners can't see that.

BARRY CRYER:

I'm just playing with you here, but the listeners can't see that either! Crescents are wild?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mmm.

BARRY CRYER:

Erm, Regency Crescent!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yep.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I don't-

ANDY HAMILTON:

Should we be playing these rules? Hasn't Stovold been discredited? Maida Vale.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ooh, very good, very good, yes. Burlington Original! Excellent!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ye-ah. Erm, Leicester Square.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

But that's a-, that's a second WC, isn't it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

No-o, not after Maida Vale.

BARRY CRYER:

No.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I think they've got two there now. OK. Leicester Square?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ye-ah.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Wembley-, No! North Wembley.

BARRY CRYER:

Strand. The Strand. (audience applause)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah, thank you.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Which? Which? Is it "Strand" or "THE Strand"?

BARRY CRYER:

THE Strand.

ANDY HAMILTON:

Are you sure Stovold wasn't discredited? I-, Erm-

BARRY CRYER:

No, but you soon will be.

ANDY HAMILTON:

Westbourne Grove.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Rayners Lane, which counts as a crescent.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Yep.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, it does.

GRAEME GARDEN:

'cause it's-, no, it does. Yep!

ANDY HAMILTON:

Have Sky ever thought of televising this?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

R-, R-, Shepher-, Shepherd's Bush.

BARRY CRYER:

Westbourne Terrace.

ANDY HAMILTON:

Oh, hang on, can he do that?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Why did you do that?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No. You might be right about Stovold, I read somewhere something-

GRAEME GARDEN:

Why did you do that?

ANDY HAMILTON:

Notting Hill Gate.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Get through-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

No hurry. Take you time.

GRAEME GARDEN:

What?

ANDY HAMILTON:

Notting Hill Gate, that's me.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Archway.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Cyprus. No, excuse me! That's between Beckton Park and Gallions Reach.

GRAEME GARDEN:

You're making this up. Stop it.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Docklands Light-, Docklands Light-

BARRY CRYER:

I'm glad he did! Mornington Crescent!

ANDY HAMILTON:

Ohhh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, that's-, no, that's just completely, completely wrong.

ANDY HAMILTON:

Tim, you're just getting upset 'cause you threw it away, don't worry about it. You know?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I didn't throw it away. But the whole point-, no, I'm sorry-

ANDY HAMILTON:

But you're not going to-, you're not going to play them next week!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I'm SORRY!! It's just embarrassing.

ANDY HAMILTON:

I said we-, I said we shouldn't play this.

BARRY CRYER:

Bad loser! Come on! Humph, a ruling, please?

ANDY HAMILTON:

About time!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Oh, I don't care.

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor is immediately exposed as a result of his Bromley-by-Bow opening;
• Barry Cryer plays Regency Crescent - the first wild crescent of the game;
• Struggling after Maida Vale and Leicester Square, Tim changes Wembley to North Wembley;
• Graeme Garden claims Rayners Lane as a crescent;
• Andy Hamilton maintains a compact position west of centre throughout;
• Graeme dramatically opens a new diagonal up to Archway;
• Tim responds but strays too far east, all the way to Cyprus;
• Barry declares Mornington Crescent.