I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
9th December 2002 broadcast

The Venue:

The Grand Theatre, Blackpool, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Tony Hawks

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's time now to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice from the huge post delivery this week that we've been sent an old telegraph pole along with this letter. They come from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales: (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Angus, thanks for the call last night. So sorry I wasn't available to join you at the Rhyl Motor Lodge for a can of coke. Despite the bad line I could just make out what else you were after, so I've sent along some friends from the Ladies' Methodist Chapel with a nice piece of steak. I hope you enjoy your rump with two protestants. Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

And on with the game, which this week will be played to the North Circular Open and General Rules, so all avenues are straight-functioning and, as Mortimer's Bakerloo Gambit is allowed, Elephant and Castle counts treble. Got it? OK, Tim, will you start, please?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Elephant and Castle.

BARRY CRYER:

Ooh-oh!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ah, is that STRICTLY allowed under Mortimer's?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, but it's-, it is .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes, I suppose it is.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

..... and it's-, counts treble, so that's-.

TONY HAWKS:

Treble points!

BARRY CRYER:

Tre-? Hmm.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yep.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I don't know. Wait a minute.

TONY HAWKS:

How many points did you have anyway? You had zero points, didn't you?

BARRY CRYER:

So it's treble.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, but it depends, it trebles what we get at the end.

TONY HAWKS:

Does it? I don't know. It trebles what you've got now, surely?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes, it's what you've got so far, which is zero.

TONY HAWKS:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Adjudication, Humph, please.

TONY HAWKS:

Trebles-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Ye-ah .....

BARRY CRYER:

Adjudication!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I think I'll allow it but, er, it can't count treble.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, that's fair, that's fair.

BARRY CRYER:

Fair enough.

TONY HAWKS:

OK, fair enough.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

OK, Elephant and Castle.

BARRY CRYER:

Regent's Park.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

That's-, oh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh. Are you sure?

BARRY CRYER:

Yes!

GRAEME GARDEN:

What about the avenues?

BARRY CRYER:

Look, we've had an adjudication .....

TONY HAWKS:

Aaah .....

BARRY CRYER:

..... it was ostensibly a treble .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes .....

BARRY CRYER:

..... but Humph's not awarding it as a treble .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes .....

BARRY CRYER:

..... so I'm safe as houses with Regent's Park! This is my partner!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, you think you're safe as houses.

TONY HAWKS:

So, avenues-, avenues are straight-functioning?

GRAEME GARDEN:

See! See what he's doing, now? See what he's doing?

BARRY CRYER:

Well I-, well I know, but he won't get anywhere, it's all right.

TONY HAWKS:

Oh no?

GRAEME GARDEN:

He soon-! He soon will!.

BARRY CRYER:

He won't! He won't!

TONY HAWKS:

Hither Green. (audience 'oooh' and applause)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah, see? So what do I do now?

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Morden.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Eleph-, Elephant and Castle.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes, see?

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh .....

TONY HAWKS:

How many points have you got, though?

GRAEME GARDEN:

None.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

OK, it's your turn again, Barry.

BARRY CRYER:

Dollis Hill.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yep.

BARRY CRYER:

Right-on-the-North-Circular!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Clever!

GRAEME GARDEN:

On the button. On the button.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, that's quite-, yeah.

TONY HAWKS:

Pretty-, that's pretty canny stuff, that, to me.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's pretty canny. He's turned back on himself.

TONY HAWKS:

Er, Rave-, Ravenscourt Park.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Mmm.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I think they're-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Very intriguing .....

TONY HAWKS:

Mmm.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

..... this book I'm reading.

BARRY CRYER:

Couldn't he go ..... ?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Could he go what?

BARRY CRYER:

Couldn't he go Elephant and Castle again now?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No. No, no. No, no.

BARRY CRYER:

He could! Of course he could! Don't you shake your head!

GRAEME GARDEN:

It's a triple-triple then.

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Elephant and Castle!

BARRY CRYER:

YESSS!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Elephant and Castle.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Eh-, no, you can't, no, noo-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yes, yeah, .....

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh, on a triple-triple?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

..... yeah, you can, you can Elephant and Castle it, yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah, but that spoils the game.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, come on! Triple-triple, we've had!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No. Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

And then you go, you know, fourth.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, no, no. Be a sport

BARRY CRYER:

Adjudication, Humph!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yes, that's right, carry on.

BARRY CRYER:

He's just done a fourth on a triple, so it's me, isn't it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

It's you, it's you.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yeah, it's you, Barry.

BARRY CRYER:

Neasden.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

TONY HAWKS:

Ah, Balls-

BARRY CRYER:

Yep.

GRAEME GARDEN:

What?!

TONY HAWKS:

Balls Pond Road. I might have played into their hands now.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah. Earl's-

TONY HAWKS:

Oh God.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh.

TONY HAWKS:

Oh no.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Earl's Court.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mornington Crescent! (audience cheer)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh no!

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I'm not really proud of that 'cause they did it to themselves, but thank you for the applause.

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens with Elephant and Castle, thereby tripling his score to zero;
• Barry Cryer plays Regent's Park, heedless of avenues;
• Graeme Garden is clearly displeased to be forced out as far as Morden;
• Tim returns to Elephant and Castle, once again tripling his score to zero;
• When Graeme plays Elephant and Castle he achieves a triple-triple;
• Tim immediately follows with a fourth Elephant and Castle;
• Tony Hawks plays furthest east and west throughout;
• Tim declares Mornington Crescent.