I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
23rd December 2002 broadcast

The Venue:

Sadler's Wells Theatre, London, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Sandi Toksvig

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice from the huge pile of letters on my desk that we've been-, that we've been sent a giant Scrabble set and this postcard. They come from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Moneybox Live, I have no mortgage on my house which is worth two hundred and fifty thousand pounds, have about ten thousand pounds savings in a building society, and I receive a generous monthly pension. So there. Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

OK, on with the game, which this week will be played to the New Standard Livingstone Rules. This means that pedestrianised squares are out of bounds and any location subject to a conjestion charge incurs a forfeit. OK, Tim, will you start, please?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Putney Bridge.

BARRY CRYER:

Cleveland Street.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Harrow & Wealdstone.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Angel. (audience 'oooh')

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Pimlico.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Ooh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Erm, conjestion charge for that?

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah, yeah, Pimlico.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

No.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No. No, no.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

No, no, no.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, no.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I think so.

GRAEME GARDEN:

It's only just outside.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yes, wait a minute.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Yes, but it was the New STANDARD Livingston Rules.

BARRY CRYER:

Forfeit! Forfeit!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yes.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Who said it anyway?

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Barry. Barry said it.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It sounded very like Barry.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Barry said it. Yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No it wasn't!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Barry, you incur a forfeit.

BARRY CRYER:

It's like the Dreyfus Case all over again! This is terrible.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

You incur a forfeit. Will you-

GRAEME GARDEN:

You got off that time, didn't you?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

You see that-, you s-, you see that, er, bottle of water in front of you? Will you take a large swig out of it?

BARRY CRYER:

Oh no! Ugh! (audience applause) Often wondered what it tasted like.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's Sandi's turn, isn't it?

SANDI TOKSVIG:

It's my turn? Oh, right.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Sandi's turn.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Can I do a Complete Central Pass?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You can do whatever you like, darling.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Well, I'm-, I'm going to go Wembley Central - Hendon Central - Walthamstow Central.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh yes! Very good! (audience 'oooh' and applause) Now, yeah, yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Now, wait a minute!

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Or sh-, Or should I have done that the other way around? Does it matter?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I think it's good both ways.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Yeah, mmm.

GRAEME GARDEN:

You'll pay the price for being flashy here, I think. Hampstead!

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Ohhh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, that's bloody clever. That-, oh. Parsons Green.

BARRY CRYER:

Right, no, he's taken us off course again.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, he's on a diagonal. He's opened the-, he's opened up his diagonals!

BARRY CRYER:

Clapham Junction!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, not that wide open!

BARRY CRYER:

I had to block it though.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Er-, Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Very clever.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Thank you.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Can't help thinking there was something missing from that game: ..... CS gas.

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• After a rapid early exchange, Graeme Garden impresses the knowledgable audience with Angel;
• Following dispute over Tim Brooke-Taylor's Pimlico, Barry Cryer misses a turn;
• Sandi Toksvig plays a Complete Central Pass but omits Finchley Central;
• Graeme elegantly recovers from Walthamstow Central to Hampstead;
• Tim sets up the win by opening his diagonals at Parsons Green;
• Barry plays beyond the opening in Clapham Junction;
• Sandi declares Mornington Crescent.