I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
2nd June 2003 broadcast

The Venue:

The Civic Theatre, Darlington, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Tony Hawks

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice we've received in excess of no letters this week and it comes from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales: (audience cheer)

Dear Mr Rumsfeld, congratulations on the accuracy of those smart bombs of yours. The one that landed in our greenhouse hit it smack in the middle. Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

And now on with the game, which appropriately enough this week is the Official American Rules Version. Under the original regulations this meant that half the players only join in two years late, but these have been recently modified in that the winner, who is actually decided before the game, can start any time he pleases. OK, teams, remember that tourist sites count double, Grosvenor Square is wild, and any Bush-related move will trump. You're permitted to ask directions. Tim, will you start, please?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Erm, Piccadilly Circus.

BARRY CRYER:

Shepherd's BUSH. (audience 'oooh')

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, yes!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I don't-, I don't think-, well, it's not in the spirit of the game.

BARRY CRYER:

What? Whaddayamean, it's "not in the spirit"?

TONY HAWKS:

Straight in with a trump.

GRAEME GARDEN:

He trumped.

TONY HAWKS:

Wha-, I wasn't expecting that, see.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ohhh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

He trumped, did he?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

TONY HAWKS:

I think-, I think the only w-

BARRY CRYER:

I'm often known for my early trump.

TONY HAWKS:

Yeah. The only way out is London Bridge.

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Actually that's very good

BARRY CRYER:

That's good, that's good.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Is that your move?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, well it's quite, quite good.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Come out with it! Don't mumble!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Erm, oh, sorry.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Graeme?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Er, Lie-sester Square.

BARRY CRYER:

Ah! Good! Good!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Am-, American rules, American rules.

TONY HAWKS:

American rules, American rules.

BARRY CRYER:

Yup.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

In that case, Groes-venor Square, which is wild.

BARRY CRYER:

Ah! Ah, ah, ah! Ealing BROADWAY. (audience applause)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes! Yes!

BARRY CRYER:

That's blocked it! That's blocked it!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's not bad.

TONY HAWKS:

That's a very obvious move, don't applaud that. Erm-

BARRY CRYER:

But it worked!

TONY HAWKS:

It worked, OK, but I think it lets me in with, erm-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Short term.

TONY HAWKS:

Tourist sites are double, are they, Humph?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yep.

TONY HAWKS:

Right, erm-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Don't ask him.

TONY HAWKS:

Can I have, erm, The British Museum .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

No.

TONY HAWKS:

..... looted? Can I have that?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Mmm-hmm.

TONY HAWKS:

Good, thank you.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yeah.

TONY HAWKS:

Yeah.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

You can have anything, really, at this stage of the game.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Can you double again on that?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yep, Bush House in the Aldwych.

BARRY CRYER:

Yes!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

L'Etoile. No, sorry, I lapsed in the French Version, I've been playing those.

BARRY CRYER:

Are you star struck?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Southampton Row.

BARRY CRYER:

Southampton Row? Barking!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes!

TONY HAWKS:

Clever! Bush-related!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

TONY HAWKS:

Erm, Acacia Avenue.

GRAEME GARDEN AND BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, yes!

BARRY CRYER:

Nice!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Very! Clever!.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, Piccadilly.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Osterley.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Straight in!

BARRY CRYER:

Osterley? Embankment!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes! Oh, no!!

TONY HAWKS:

Mornington Crescent! (audience cheer)

BARRY CRYER:

American rules!

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens centrally at Piccadilly Circus;
• Barry Cryer produces an early trump with Shepherd's Bush;
• Barry never comes inside the Circle Line;
• Graeme Garden does not play outside the Circle Line;
• Graeme's short detour to Bush House is negated by Tim's Southampton Row;
• Tony Hawks makes the longest play of the game, from Barking to Acacia Avenue;
• Barry plays too straight-in, from Osterley to Embankment;
• Tony declares Mornington Crescent.