I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
16th June 2003 broadcast

The Venue:

Buxton Opera House, Buxton, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Harry Hill

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first following our appeal for more listener reaction I see we've received over seven hundred letters this week and they come from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes in one, and in fact all the others:

Dear David Dickenson, I can sum up why the B.B.C. have your programme on TV every night in three words: cheap as chips. Yours et cetera, Mrs Trellis.

And there's a p.s.:

I can tell by your face that that stuff really does do exactly what it says on the tin!

Right, as this is Harry's first ever game of Mornington Crescent we'll be playing the Special Children's Junior Version. Teams, you may have to explain some of your moves to assist Harry and, audience, I hope you'll be helpful and encouraging. To make things extra easy, Waterloo Mainline is irreversible if approached on the diagonal during a lateral pass.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Actually, that almost makes it pointless playing, doesn't it?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Well .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, it does actually.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

..... no, no, we've got to be fair.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, oh, yeah, there's fair and fair, I mean-

HARRY HILL:

But they have widened the tunnel.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Look, keep out of this, young 'un. No, I think, er-, well, we'll play it anyway, see how it goes .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

We'll play-

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah, but it's an over-reaction, it's made it too basic.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I'll explain it later, Harry, it's OK.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

All right, well, we'll see how we go anyway. Tim, you can start.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Kensington Park Gardens. I did that because it's a good-

BARRY CRYER:

Ox-ford Cir-cus.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Hmm.

BARRY CRYER:

I'm trying to help.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah, well-

HARRY HILL:

Hounsl-, Houns-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No! No!

BARRY CRYER:

Don't get a thing about it, just-, deep breaths.

HARRY HILL:

Hounslow West.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ohhh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, no, well-, no, well.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh dear! No, bless him, bless him.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, we'll let-, we'll let-, we'll-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Graeme, don't-

GRAEME GARDEN:

He can take it back, you can let him take it back.

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah, revoke it.

HARRY HILL:

They widened the tunnel. Ea-, Eamonn Holmes did the opening ceremony.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, don't be clever, it-.

BARRY CRYER:

Don't-, no, no, no. We're not at home to Mrs Cheeky.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Have another go, Harry, and-

HARRY HILL:

Erm-, Hounslow East.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ah! That's-, yes, that's good.

BARRY CRYER:

Ah, that's all right.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, be fair, be fair. No, be fair.

BARRY CRYER:

Encourage him! (audience applause)

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, no, well done.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's very good.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well done, well done, very well done.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Let me-, it wasn't-, it wasn't approached on the diagonal.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, you can say that-

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, that's too harsh.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It wasn't! It just wasn't! Was not!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Let's talk about it later when he's gone.

BARRY CRYER:

Ye-es. Give him a chance.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes. All right, we'll take that and I'll go, erm, Stockwell. There we are.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Seven Sisters, I suppose. I did that-, well, it's obvious.

BARRY CRYER:

Seven Sisters? Bond Street! (audience 'oooh') In yer lap! In yer lap!

HARRY HILL:

Well, I'm actually very nervous about-, about saying anything now. (audience 'aaah')

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mmm.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It's in the air and it's there for a long time.

HARRY HILL:

I'm actually close to tears. (audience 'aaah')

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, can you get him his-, his little cat puppet? He'll cheer up then.

HARRY HILL:

It's not a puppet. Don't spoil it for the band. Great Portland Street. (audience applause)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Very good.

HARRY HILL:

Thank you.

BARRY CRYER:

Yes, very good.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You with your mocking!

BARRY CRYER:

Ve-ry good.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Erm, all right, yes, erm, Oval.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mornington Crescent, thanks to Harry! (audience cheer)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ohhh, no!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's entirely-, that's entirely down to Harry. Thank you.

HARRY HILL:

You're welcome.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That was very clever.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Fair dos, fair dos.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Well, I still say it wasn't approached on the diagonal.

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh, please.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Never mind, never mind, never mind, we'll go on .....

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• In this Special Children's Junior Version, Barry Cryer remains central throughout;
• Harry Hill's move to Hounslow East is excused, despite not approaching on the diagonal;
• Graeme Garden concentrates on a tight grouping to the south of the river;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor plays the longest move of the game, from Stockwell to Seven Sisters;
• Tim declares Mornington Crescent, thanks to Harry.