I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
24th November 2003 broadcast

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice from our new B.B.C. online listener reaction web site messageboard that someone has stuck a post-it note on the monitor screen to tell us that we've received a postcard from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Mr Titchmarsh, this morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours fai-, yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis.

And on with the game, 'cause this is going to be fun. This week we'll play Hoopers Mainline Variation, a rather spiteful version with a passing resemblance to Association Croquet. Should one player manage an identical call to the previous player, he or she becomes entitled to an extra move. The better this extra move, the further they can force, or 'welly', their unfortunate opponent outside the central metropolitan area. Tim, I'd like you to start, please.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Baker Street.

BARRY CRYER:

Hanger Lane.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

So if I go Hanger Lane then I get an extra turn.

BARRY CRYER:

Hanger Lane?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I don't know, it's either very clever or very stupid.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

But can I not go Hanger Lane ..... ?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You can-, if you s-, if you go Hanger Lane you get an extra turn.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

If I go Hanger Lane then he-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Then I get an extra turn.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yep.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Hanger Lane.

BARRY CRYER:

Ahhh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, identical.

BARRY CRYER:

No, can't be.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Why?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Now you carry on and-, and-

SANDI TOKSVIG:

No, I get an extra turn because it's the Hooper's Mainline Variation.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

And you've got to-, got to make them go east, now. Far east.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

OK, erm-

GRAEME GARDEN:

What?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

China, China.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

He-, Heron-, Heron Quays (some audience applause)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I s-, it's-, it's unusual, I don't think it's quite the right thing.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

You said east!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, I know, I know.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

You said east!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I know. OK, OK.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oxford Circus.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Oh, that's put it right back there.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh thats-, that's very good. That's very good. Never thought I'd ever say that. Sh-, Sh-, Shooters Hill Road.

BARRY CRYER:

Hanger Lane.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah, mmm, yeah.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

No, I'm not going to do that, I'm-, that's ridiculous, I'm not going to do it again, I'm not. I'm going to go, er, Covent Garden but not on a Sunday.

GRAEME GARDEN:

But we-

BARRY CRYER:

No. Extra move! We get-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Barry-, Barry has an extra move.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's fair enough.

BARRY CRYER:

It's an extra move, isn't it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, Barry has an extra turn.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

'cause you said Hanger Lane before.

BARRY CRYER:

I did the duplication, I get an extra move.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

No! .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It's only when it's straight afterwards.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

..... I said it 'cause you said it, that-. The Hooper thing doesn't work three times in a row.

BARRY CRYER:

Look, we've been very patient with you so far.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

It's just 'cause I want to win, that's all.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I think-, I think Barry should-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

She's a-, she's a girl, Barry, for God's sake let her win!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I think Barry should have an extra move.

BARRY CRYER:

High Barnet.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oooh. (audience 'oooh')

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Who's-, who's got a high barnet?

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Ladbroke Grove.

BARRY CRYER:

Ah, now that's good.

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's all right, that's all right.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I think that's VERY good, actually.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ladbroke Grove.

GRAEME GARDEN:

It's adequate, isn't it?

BARRY CRYER:

Latimer Road .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Latimer? No, no, La-, Latimer closes-

BARRY CRYER:

What? You could.

GRAEME GARDEN:

What? Close off my diagonals? Oh, thank you, yes! ..... What?

BARRY CRYER:

You could go back on High Barnet, couldn't you?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

No confering.

GRAEME GARDEN:

I could go back on High Barnet. What do you mean "go back on High Barnet"?

BARRY CRYER:

'course you could.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Oh, come on!

BARRY CRYER:

You try to help .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

High Barnet.

BARRY CRYER:

See!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Craven Cottage. (audience 'oooh', cry of 'shame!') Has to be done, though, unfortunately. I agree with you, but-.

BARRY CRYER:

Totteridge.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

BARRY CRYER:

Oh!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah! Very good! Brilliant!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Very good.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Just didn't see that at all.

SANDI TOKSVIG:

So busy being patronising you weren't paying attention!

The pattern of play

Strategic points of interest

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens on the Circle Line;
• Barry Cryer immediately spreads the play west with the first of three visits to Hanger Lane;
• Sandi Toskvig repeats the Hanger Lane move but her welly east only reaches Heron Quays;
• Barry makes a second return to Hanger Lane followed by a dubious welly north to High Barnet;
• Graeme Garden returns to High Barnet but does not welly;
• Barry plays to Totteridge, falling short of a third High Barnet;
• Sandi declares Mornington Crescent.