I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
8th December 2003 broadcast

The Venue:

The Grand Theatre & Opera House, Leeds, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Ross Noble

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice from the listener reaction mailbox that we've received no correspondence at all this week (audience 'ahhh'), except for this letter from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Mr Sainsbury, please pass this message on to your checkout staff: no, I haven't got a bloody loyalty card. Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

And on with the round, which just happens to be Ross Noble's first ever game of Mornington Crescent. Now, as a complete novice with no world ranking, Ross is every bit as qualified as the other three, but to make things simple we'll restrict the playing area to conjestion charge zones only. And, teams, it might be helpful and in the spirit of fair play if you were to each explain your moves to Ross. OK? Graeme, will you start, please?

GRAEME GARDEN:

OK, erm, explain what we're doing. Well, a traditional opener like the King's Pawn really, erm, Oxford Circus, well in the zone, and that gives you limited access to northern parallels but I suppose it is technically laying an offside trap there. Force the next player into Nip if he's not very careful, so Oxford Circus I'm playing.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yep, that's-, so I have to go Vauxhall.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Er, basically things have changed slightly since the Millennium Bridge was put there so you can back-double, so it's basically a reverse move, that's why I say Vauxhall.

ROSS NOBLE:

H-Hang on, is that-? Oh yes, sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah, go on, yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

It's all right, it's all right.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR

I can repeat it again if it helps. I mean, there's-

BARRY CRYER:

There's no rush.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR

No.

BARRY CRYER:

So it was Vauxhall. Now, Ross, I'm going Regent Street because that is bridging Oxford Circus and Piccadilly Circus so it's an absolute definitive 'Lateral' which you can reverse on.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR

You can .....

BARRY CRYER:

You can reverse on it .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR

..... but you don't have to.

BARRY CRYER:

..... if the situation's right.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

If you've got a double value. So it's-, it's a 'Bridger', it's a 'Lateral'.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Very useful one early on.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR

Best of luck, lad.

ROSS NOBLE

So, that was lateral, erm, let's keep-, er, can I do that?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR

Not during the show, no. Take your time, son.

BARRY CRYER:

It's all right.

ROSS NOBLE

(long pause)

Mornington Crescent! (audience cheer)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR

That will have improved your world ranking, certainly.

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Graeme Garden plays a novice opening;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor invites the reverse;
• Barry Cryer back-doubles and introduces the bridging lateral;
• Ross Noble declares Mornington Crescent and storms up the world rankings.