I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
15th December 2003 broadcast

The Venue:

The Devonshire Park Theatre, Eastbourne, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Jeremy Hardy

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice from the listener correspondence in-tray that we've received a letter from the listener, who this week is a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Dale, you must pretty handy at flower arranging, can you tell me if it's best to put the self-raising in front of or behind the plain style? Many thanks, Mrs Trellis.

OK, on with the game, teams, and this time we'll play Blind Mornington Crescent, an ancient variation requiring immense skill. It follows Standard Ancient and Modern Rules right enough, the key difference being that each player is blindfolded and thus quite unable to see the board. Samantha, apply their blindfolds now, please. This should be quite a spectacle. Tim, will you start?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Goodge Street.

GRAEME GARDEN:

We can't hear you, we've got blindfolds on.

BARRY CRYER:

Goodg-, er, Cleveland Street

JEREMY HARDY:

Who said that?

BARRY CRYER:

Could I have a last cigarette?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Erm, W-W-, er, Wembley .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ohh, that's-

GRAEME GARDEN:

..... Central.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ohh-hh, is he allowed to do that, Humph?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

What?

BARRY CRYER:

Is Humph still here?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Green Park then.

BARRY CRYER:

Birdcage Walk.

JEREMY HARDY:

Err, er, Bounds Green.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, go-, go Wembley .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That was just a blind guess, wasn't it?

BARRY CRYER:

..... go Wembley!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Wembley Park? Wembley Park?

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Willesden! Willesden! (audience 'oooh') Willesden, right? Willesden?

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah, that-, no, that's OK, that's a lead-through.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, W-Willesden, yes, Willesden ..... Junction.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

He's done it again, Humph! Erm, Osterley.

BARRY CRYER:

Mornington Crescent! (audience cheer)

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor takes no chances while blindfolded, opening centrally;
• Barry Cryer plays short containing moves in preparation for his coup de grâce;
• Graeme Garden deploys cynical diversionary tactics whilst unseen;
• Jeremy Hardy and Tim create parallels to Bounds Green and Osterley respectively;
• From the Osterley opening, Barry instantly declares Mornington Crescent.