I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Carol -
25th December 2003 broadcast

NARRATOR:

We are at the newly-built Albert Hall and on this day the crowds are gathered for the Christmas finals of the British Empire Mornington Crescent Tournament. (audience cheer)

The occasion is graced by the presence of Her Majesty, Queen Victoria herself, and her consort, Prince Albert.

FIRST BYSTANDER:

Look, it's Victoria and Albert!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

Ugh! Stop staring at us!

FIRST BYSTANDER:

What a pair of old relics!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

We are not a museum!

SECOND BYSTANDER:

What an old dear!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

We are not a moose!

THIRD BYSTANDER:

Oh, but that dress, it makes her look like a small street with stables in it!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

We are not a muse!

NARRATOR:

As always, the Queen is accompanied by her faithful gillie, John Brown, and his brother Gordon.

GORDON BROWN:

You'll have paid your V.A.T. .....

QUEEN VICTORIA:

Now, I must introduce the Grand Final, to be played out between the reigning Mornington Crescent champion, Mr Ebeneezer Scrumph, and my own, my very own Prince Albert. (audience cheer)

PRINCE ALBERT:

Gott im Himmel, Victoria! Not eine chance I am standing!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

You can do it, Albert! But only if you win.

PRINCE ALBERT:

Oh my darling, .....

QUEEN VICTORIA:

On with the game!

PRINCE ALBERT:

Vell, ve play, ve must, but I have to insist, Prince Albert Rules!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

No he bloody doesn't!

EBENEEZER SCRUMPH:

In deference to his Royal Highness, we shall play according to the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha Protocol. All German-related locations count double but Poland Street is out of bounds.

PRINCE ALBERT:

For the time being!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

Very well, I shall a toss for starters.

PRINCE ALBERT:

Ah, a voman of habit! Huh!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

Here we go. You will call, Mr Scrumph: 'tails' or 'me'?

EBENEEZER SCRUMPH:

Me!

QUEEN VICTORIA:

No, it's me! Albert, commence.

PRINCE ALBERT:

Hanover Square (audience 'oooh' and hiss)

EBENEEZER SCRUMPH:

Cheapside.

PRINCE ALBERT:

You are new to this game, I think, ya? Tsss! The town so good they named it twice: Baden Baden.

EBENEEZER SCRUMPH:

Bushey.

PRINCE ALBERT:

Elephant und Castle (audience 'oooh')

EBENEEZER SCRUMPH:

Ah-ha! Mor- (audience 'yes!') Mor- (audience 'yes!') Morning- (audience 'YES!') Mo-, M-, Maida Vale. (audience 'booo')

QUEEN VICTORIA:

Go on, Albert, finish him off!

PRINCE ALBERT:

Mornington Crescent! (audience cheer)

QUEEN VICTORIA:

Hurrah! The winner!

NARRATOR:

Dear listener, pity poor Scrumph. Miserable, dejected, suffering who-knows-what torment, he vows never to play Mornington Crescent in public again. Yes, he proclaims that from now on he will only officiate as Chairman in non-league games.

The pattern of play

Strategic points of interest

• Prince Albert opens with Hanover Square, which counts double;
• Ebeneezer Scrumph is unable to resist Cheapside;
• Albert controverisally plays way, way out of bounds to Baden Baden - a double on a double;
• Scrumph plays one of the longest moves in the Game's history, from Baden Baden to Bushey;
• Albert stoops to Elephant und Castle;
• Scrumph, with victory at his finger tips, crumbles under pressure: Maida Vale;
• Albert declares Mornington Crescent.