I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
7th June 2004 broadcast

The Venue:

The Orchard Theatre, Dartford, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Tony Hawks

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first-, first I notice from the listener reaction log that the squirrels have been at it again, and that we've received this letter from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Rolf, here's a handy hint: when you put the cat out always use a high quality fire extinguisher.

Stupid old bat.

Well, this week in response to a national demand for the ritual humiliation of gameshow contestants we'll play a round of Elimination Mornington Crescent. In this variation the teams must actually work together to accumulate as many points as possible during the game. However, at certain points I shall ask each panelist to vote off the person they consider not to be pulling their weight. OK teams, Tim, will you start please?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Err, Burnt Oak.

BARRY CRYER:

Aldwych.

TONY HAWKS:

I think I might go for the first double with a lateral of Bloomsbury Square. (audience 'oooh' and applause)

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's good. Well, that-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Don't peak too soon!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, that's knocked the points score up nicely .....

TONY HAWKS:

Mmm!

GRAEME GARDEN:

..... erm, so Piccadilly would help that, too.

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, with it that high, "Bank".

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah. Is that the station, Bank?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, I was banking then, erm, ..... Camden Town.

BARRY CRYER:

I'm really taking a flier here: Dalston Junction.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Right, teams, I'm going to stop you now and I'd like you to vote for who you think is holding you back. Tim?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Barry.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Graeme?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Tony.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Tony?

TONY HAWKS:

I have to say, and I know this is going to be unpopular, but Barry has got to go, I'm afraid. (audience 'ahhh')

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It's the kindest thing.

BARRY CRYER:

Well, I-, Tony. Not just, not revenge, I was going to vote for Tony off anyway.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Tim, why Tony?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, 'Ann' ..... I actually voted for Barry.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I'll do the jokes!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Let us know when.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Tony, I'm sorry, it's you.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, there were two Barry votes.

TONY HAWKS:

A two-all draw but I have to go.

BARRY CRYER:

Yes, we have to admit it.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Listen, it's bad enough having to announce these games, you don't-, don't expect me to listen to the bloody things, do you?

TONY HAWKS:

OK, I accept your adjudication and I-, and I'll take the walk of shame. (walk of shame music from 'The Weakest Link' plays; audience 'ahhh'). Well, I'm very disappointed to go, I thought I was going well, particularly with Bloomsbury Square which got us double points, I was let down by 'Ann' really who decided I should go even though it was a two-all draw.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Carry on without Tony now. Graeme?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Right, let's be sensible: Oxford Street.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ahh, Lower Regent Street.

BARRY CRYER:

Fenchurch Street.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mm-m, err, no, Charing Cross.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

That wasn't exactly on the tip of your tongue, was it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, there's nothing in the rules about it being on the tip of your tongue, is there?

BARRY CRYER:

Have you had a facelift, 'Ann'?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I'm asking the questions!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Hatton Cross.

BARRY CRYER:

Harringay.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Paddington.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Umm ..... Perivale.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Right, I'll stop you there.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That counts double!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yes, it does, but you were too late.

BARRY CRYER:

Lateral .....

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Will you vote, please, for- ..... Why am I saying "please"? I'm in the wrong place.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I'd like to vote for Barry, and I'm being consistent.

BARRY CRYER:

I vote Tim.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, well, I know Barry is my teammate, and he is consistently the best player of the game so far, and, er, recently saved my family from drowning ..... but putting all that to one side: Barry.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Graeme, why Barry?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Just a whim, really.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Tim, why Barry?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Cheap laugh, basically.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Barry, why not-, why not Barry?

BARRY CRYER:

What??

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Barry, you're a total failure. Goodbye. (walk of shame music plays)

BARRY CRYER:

Not too disappointed, as I always say it's the taking part, not the winning. Or to put it another way, it's the winning not the taking part and I'm quite pissed off, but I think 'Ann' is-, I have to say 'Ann''s looking twenty years younger.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

OK, start again, Tim.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Uh-um, Archway.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Monument.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Hatton Cross.

GRAEME GARDEN:

In that case, Dulwich.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Modern rules?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

In a few moments, The Simpsons!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, wait a minute!

GRAEME GARDEN:

What?!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mornington Crescent!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ohh no!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yes! (audience cheers)

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens high with Burnt Oak;
• Tony Hawks' short hop from Aldwych to Bloomsbury Square is a double with a lateral;
• Barry Cryer plays the longest move of the game, from Hatton Cross to Harringay;
• Tim nearly scores a double with a lateral by declaring Perivale, but is too late;
• Upon restart Tim switches from Perivale to Archway, Graeme Garden counters with Monument;
• Monument invites Tim to play Hatton Cross for a second time in the game, setting up the win;
• Graeme swings long-and-low all the way down to Dulwich;
• Tim declares Mornington Crescent.